Sunday, September 8, 2013

OH NO HE DIDN'T !!!!!!

My dear, sweet, capable, professional, respectable Pilot readers.... it gives me great pleasure, and humble appreciation, to know that, after YouPorn.com, AngryPilotWife.com is the second most deleted address on your search history.  I know you read the blog and the FB page.  Perhaps you view my rants about PilotHusband as a cautionary tale and learn from his mistakes, perhaps you rejoice in the fact that you have not been exposed by your own wife, perhaps you read this to help you "fly under the radar", maybe its like rubbernecking past the site of a bad car wreck on the highway.  Whatever the reason, I am glad you are here.

Be that as it may, let's get one thing straight.  AngryPilotWife is all knowing and all powerful; just like the Great and Powerful Oz.  I read all of the forums... JetCareers and AirlinePilotCentral, to name a few.  Usually, I do not feel the need to comment... boys will be boys.  HOWEVER, there was a post on AngryPilotCentral last month that I cannot let go by, unaddressed.  Forgot to Bid posted a list of how PilotWives (and Unions) should behave, to please their husbands once they come home.  I know (hope) this was tongue in cheek.  I have much love and respect for FTB.  I even gave him a "shout out" on my April 3, 2012 blog, along with Scambo1, Buzzpat, Wasatch, HoserPilot, 80knts, Tsquare, and Ferd.

In all fairness, let's have you look at the original post before I comment.  Here's the link:
http://www.airlinepilotcentral.com/major/36912-any-latest-greatest-about-delta-3423.html#post1460403

Go ahead.  Read it.  I'll wait...

So, FTB gave us a "Mad Men-esque", 1950s, June Cleaver, view on how to welcome PilotHusbands home from work.  That's cool.  Here's my interpretation of it.

Rule 1: "Have dinner ready".  Duh.  How else are we supposed to poison you slowly?

Rule 2:  "Prepare yourself".  In this step, FTB encourages us to "be a little more gay and interesting" than PilotHusband's "work weary" friends.  Yeah... about that.... my PilotHusband just got off a trip with 4 male Flight Attendants.  I think he's had enough "gay and interesting" for one week.  This step goes on to suggest that we wives should work out and diet to keep our "boobs up" and our "buttocks rounded".  If that doesn't work, we are encouraged to "go under the knife".  Hmmmmm.  That might just work except for the fact that our son has decided that, for Halloween, he will be Luke Skywalker, Mommy will be Princess Leah, and Dad will be Jabba the Hut.  "Quid Pro Quo, Agent Starling"!

Rule 3:  "Give it up".  In this step, FTB encourages us to "be open to new ideas or bedroom opportunities".  Oh!  Where to begin?  We are TOTALLY open to new ideas... they just don't involve you.

Rule 4:  "Clear away the clutter".  Okay, cool... I agree.  When you are gone, we party like the love child of Guns and Roses and Led Zep.  We always put things in order before you come home.  I have no problem with that one.

Rule 5:  "Prepare the children".  In this step, we are supposed to scrub our children clean and tell them that Daddy is always right.  Okay.  Put them in clean jammies, spray them with Fabreeze, and ask them NOT to use their karate class num-chucks on their father.  Just be sure to set a little bit of money aside for therapy later.

Rule 6:  "Minimize all noise".  This is effing HILARIOUS!  PilotHusband makes the most noise when he comes home.  The noise issue is not the dryer, washer, or vacuum.  Its PilotHusband talking about how he crossed the frozen North Atlantic, or how he greased on his landings, or the blare of "Hitler's Henchmen" coming from the Military Channel.

Rule 7: "Some do nots".  This step encourages us to NOT complain or discuss problems.  Really?  I think we know that already.  If something breaks, we fix it before PilotHusband returns.  If we have a problem, we don't share it with PilotHusband... what would be the point in that?

Rule 8:  "Make him comfortable".  This step is a homage to Mad Men.  We should pour him a drink, take off his shoes, and let him relax in his LazyBoy chair.  What FTB fails to recognize is PilotHusband has already had two "tall boys" on his way home, he not only took off his own shoes, but he stripped down to his man panties in the breakfast room, and he is now laying on the sofa, watching the Military Channel.  I think he's got the comfort thing perfected.

Rule 9:  "Shut up and listen".  FTB remind us to let him talk first.  I hate to quote Alanis Morrisette, but "Isn't it ironic?".  PilotHusband talks first, second, third, forth, fifth.... and last.  All he does is talk about his perfect landing and his inept Captain (or F/O, depending on Seniority).  I could say something, but what would be the point in that?  He won't hear it, or remember it.

Rule 10: "Make the evening his".  We need to understand that he is coming from a world of stress and needs the sanctuary or home to decompress.  Are you Effing kidding me?  Stress is NOT sitting on your ass for 4 days; your only exercise being walking around an airplane.  Stress is baking 36 cupcakes for the PTA bake sale, getting the dishwasher fixed, mowing the lawn before the next round of rain, dealing with bat-shit-crazy in-laws, my lunatic mother, and the Homeowners Association meeting.

Rule 11: "Make your home a place of peace and order".  Hey, FTB, to truly do that would require changing the door locks and throwing all of PilotHusband's shit onto the front lawn (that I just mowed).

I have nothing but respect for you, Forgot to Bid.  I know what you posted was meant to be tongue-in-cheek.  But still.... you didn't think I'd let it slide without an AngryPilotWife response, did you?  To all my Pilot Boys.... keep the blue side up, beware the bunny boilers, and straighten up and fly right.

Much Love and Respect,
AngryPilotWife

2 comments:

  1. hell, I was just thinking I should show my wife that FTB post after getting home from a trip today and having every rule he posted violated lol. Your list would probably go over better with the wife...

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  2. Tried to go to the link, but it's apparently been removed--hmmmm maybe FTB couldn't stand the heat and had to get out of the kitchen!

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