Pilots love checklists. Departure checklists, after-start checklists, arrival checklists... having a checklist ensures you haven't missed a step. As AngryPilotWives, we too, need a checklist. You see, when you leave home, Dear Pilots, we throw all of your rules, anal-retentive tendencies, and discipline, out the window. Your wife and your children, jump on the bed (with shoes on), we don't do dishes (until we run out of dishes-- then we buy paper plates), we stay up late, and your kitchen counters are littered with empty pizza boxes (and empty wine bottles-- for us, NOT the kids). As such, we need to put everything back in order before you get home from your four day trip... lest you figure out the "funness" that occurs in your absence. So here's a checklist of our own, fellow APWs.
The AngryPilotWife Checklist
1. Obviously, the first thing we need to do is clean the house. Haul off the empty wine bottles to the recycling center, find your kitchen sink under all of the dirty dishes, get out the snow shovel to move all of the toys from the middle of the living room, back to the playroom. Vacuum all of the potato chip crumbs off the floor. You know the drill.
2. Fabreeze. That pile of wet bathing suits you let sit on the floor for three days; the wet dog smell from letting the canine sleep on the sofa; the faint odor of trash that you waited four days to take out; the stinky sweat socks your boys left in the middle of the floor; the faint smell of cigarettes that you sneak when he's gone, even though you promised to quit months ago.... just spray the crap out of it.
3. Delete your computer browsing history. He does it (when he remembers), and you should too. Delete "Plants Vs. Zombies" so he doesn't know you and the 7 year old stayed up until 10:00 slaying the undead. Ditch "ShoeDazzle.com" and while I am NOT here to judge, if you have been on "AshleyMadison.com", for the love of God, make sure that's gone before he gets home.
4. (This is for the SeniorPilotWives) When it comes to the help, make sure they are aware your PilotHusband is on his way home. Yes, this is for you, AngrySeniorUnitedPilotWife. Tell Jorge, the 22 year old Latin pool boy, that he doesn't have to clean the pool in a thong this week. He can go back to his Khaki shorts and golf shirt. Tell the Handyman that he can go back to wearing a shirt under his overalls. Pilots appreciate uniforms. Just make sure any workers you have, are attired appropriately. But please don't feel bad about it. For years, your PilotHusband has been picturing the cleaning lady in a French maid outfit from Fredrick's of Hollywood.
5. Go to the grocery store and buy a couple of rib-eye steaks, milk, orange juice, and some fresh veggies. Don't let PilotHusband know that the entire family has been dining on Grape soda, Twinkies and potato chips for every meal since he left town.
You see Ladies, checklists are important ;)
You see Ladies, checklists are important ;)
