YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A PILOT'S HOUSE WHEN...

Air Line Pilot's have varied tastes in style and design.  You enter the home of a Pilot and find rich leather sofas and mahogany bookcases, or you may find a duct taped beanbag chair and lumber and cinder block shelves (depending on how many times he's been divorced).  Whether he enjoys Swedish Modern, Southwest, Victorian, or Rustic design, you can ALWAYS tell if you're in a Pilot's house!

You know you're in a Pilot's house when.....

1.   in every bathroom, and in the linen closet, you will only find WHITE towels.  This is not because of his affection for clean, crisp, spa-like décor.  This is because every towel in his home was taken from a hotel bathroom, or pool.  Look closely.  Some of them even have "Holiday Inn" woven into the fabric.

2.   in every bathroom, you will only find single-ply industrial toilet paper.  Air Line Pilot's do not remember that grocery stores actually have an aisle dedicated to toilet paper.  Since their first overnight, when they discovered an unmanned housekeeping cart, they have tapped into an unlimited supply of free toilet paper (and we know how much Pilots love free shit).

3.   at a Pilot's cocktail party, the only snack served is peanuts.  Normally, I'd give them a bunch of crap at this point, but it DID take them an awfully long time to open all of those little packages.

4.   if invited to a dinner party, if you look under the matching plates (which are unusually smaller than your average dinner plates), you will find the logo of their Air Line... because they all came out of First Class.

5.   even if the Pilot's taste doesn't lean toward mid-century modern, you will find Mad Men-esque, glass decanters on his bar.  This is because he fills them with those tiny liquor bottles from the airplane.

6.   in his refrigerator, you will find a variety of high end beer, brought home from his international trips; Leffe, Duval, VB, etc.  HOWEVER, hidden in the crisper drawer (that should contain fruits and vegetables), you will find the contents of an 18 pack of cheap, crappy, high-alcohol content, American beer.

And finally, you know you're in a Pilot's house when... in every single room, you will find an airplane model, a picture of an airplane, an Air Line Logo, a vintage "Pilot For Hire" tin sign, or photos of the Pilot in full uniform regalia... because he wants to be sure you truly understand his awesomeness.

DON'T BE A DICK

Well, here we are again.  Another aviation disaster involving Malaysia Airlines.  Flight 17 was shot down by a missile over Ukraine.  Before we go any further, let me say that my prayers are with the families of the passengers and crew.  This is a tragedy.

Now then.... as with every other aviation disaster, within hours of the event, "aviation experts" started to appear on local and cable news outlets, sharing their dubious analysis of the event.  I FUCKING HATE THAT!  Unless you are an NTSB investigator or you have super secret clearance with the CIA, KEEP YOUR BULLSHIT OPINIONS TO YOURSELF!!!!

Shortly after the previous Malaysia Air disaster, one particular asshole started showing up on cable news. After a Google search, I discovered this "aviation expert" taught Aviation Marketing and had 7000 in a King Air.  I mean no disrespect to King Air pilots, but I think we can all agree that this doesn't qualify you to analyze Boeing 777 international operations.

And now we have a new disaster... and a new dick.  For those of you who watch Fox News, you may have seen "DJ" volunteer his expert commentary.  Under his name, the banner read "International Commercial Airline Pilot".  After a quick Face Book search, I discovered DJ is a Spirit Airlines pilot.  In no way am I disparaging Spirit Airlines.  I have several friends who fly for that company.  However... FLYING FROM DETROIT TO TORONTO DOESN'T REALLY COUNT AS INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT!  In fact, flying from Miami to Nassau doesn't really make the grade either... so don't even go there, American Eagle pilots.

Interestingly, he's got some sort of internet business selling hypnosis sessions for those who have a fear of flying.  Do you know what makes me fearful of flying?  DICKS WHO PRESENT THEMSELVES AS EXPERTS, COMMENTING ABOUT AIRCRAFT THEY ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO OPERATE,  AND ANALYZING ROUTES THEY HAVE NEVER FLOWN!!!!!!!

15 crew members lost their lives as well as 280 passengers.  295 husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, lovers and friends are gone.  This is a tragedy.  This is NOT your chance to get your 15 minutes of fame, or promote your website or side business.  Unless you are an NTSB investigator or a 777 pilot who has flown over Kiev recently.... SHUT THE FUCK UP,  YOU VULTURE!*

* NTSB agents are limited in their authorization to comment on ongoing investigations and 777 pilots... well they just know better.

WAR MOVIES

As a rule, AirLine Pilots love war movies and the American Heroes Channel (formerly known as the Military Channel).  Whether former Military, or a life long civilian, they all spend hours upon hours watching documentaries about Hitler's Henchmen or WWII movies.... over and over and OVER again.  It doesn't matter how many times you walk into the room and scream "Spoiler Alert: Allies win!  Nazis are bad!"  Still they watch.

So imagine my surprise when I walked in the house after cutting down a dozen trees, mowing an acre of grass, and weeding several planting beds, to find PilotHusband watching "The Bridges of Madison County".  Had he suddenly gone soft?  Had he found a new appreciation for chick flicks?  No.  He thought it was a World War II movie!  Like "A Bridge Too Far", "Bridge at Remagen", and "Bridge Over the River Kwai".... it had the word bridge in the title.  It starred Clint Eastwood (like "Where Eagles Dare").  It starred Meryl Streep (like "Sophie's Choice").  The poor guy kept waiting for Tiger tanks and Nazis to begin their assault.  By the time he realized it was a romance, it was too late.  He was already an hour into the film and had left the remote in the kitchen on his last beer run.

This gave me a great idea.  Hey Hollywood!  (and by Hollywood, I mean the film industry, not the former Top Gun Instructor, Mother D Pilot).  If you want to increase ticket sales to your next Romantic Comedy, try putting words like invasion, Normandy, Panzer, Blitzkrieg, assault, paratrooper, commando, and especially bridge, in the title.  Just a thought.

PILOT UNIFORM SHOES

My PilotHusband suffers from "First Officer Syndrome".  Along with a host of other symptoms, this malady causes PilotHusband to agree with whatever opinion his most recent Captain has expressed... on any topic.  (Please refer to the 7/2/12 blog for examples).  This condition is exacerbated by AngryPilotCentral (a.k.a. Airline Pilot Central). 

On the APC forums, PilotHusband is subjected to a multitude of opinions from Pilots, many of whom are senior to him.  Recently, on an APC forum, the discussion turned to uniform shoes.  A retired Mother D Pilot lauded the fit, style, and fashion of Allen Edmonds shoes.  Immediately, PilotHusband came running downstairs to tell me about these "awesome" shoes that he "just has to buy".  Really?  Really?  REALLY? 

AngryPilotWife has been to this rodeo before.  Rather than fight it, APW told PilotHusband to go online and order the damn shoes.... for $647.00.  After a week or so, the shoes arrived.  With the glee of a little girl unwrapping the glass slippers her Fairy Godmother got her, PilotHusband opened the box and tried on his new Allen Edmonds $647 Pilot shoes.  Ooooh.  They were the blackest of black.  They were shiny beyond shiny... the much sought after sheen of "parade gloss".  They were fashionable, yet classic.  They were comfortable.  AND THEY WERE 647 FUCKING DOLLARS!!!!!!

Like a child crashing after opening gifts on Christmas morning, PilotHusband eventually grew tired of marching around the house in his new shoes.  He took them off, poured himself one last scotch and went to bed, having not yet recovered from his red-eye home from South America.

At this point, AngryPilotWife took the $647 shoes, put them back in the box, taped it up, and drove to the effing post office to ship them back.  $647 for shoes that he leaves in the middle of the floor for the pit bull puppy to chew on?  $647 for shoes that he would wear walking into an airport, walking around a plane, and walking out of an airport.  I don't think so.

You know I have much love and respect for the wise and awesome retirees and super senior Captains on Airline Pilot Central.  If "Badflaps" would extol the virtues of shopping at Walmart, he would be on my Christmas cookie gift list forever.  Can you help a girl out????

 

ANGRYPILOTWIFE TRANSLATIONS

Some folks think this is a Pilot bashing site.  I prefer to think of this as an Air Line Pilot help and re-education site... a place to learn from my cautionary tales about PilotHusband.  So, in that spirit, here are few words and phrases you may hear from your wife, and what she really means.

FINE:  This is a word your wife will use to end an argument when she knows she's right... and thinks you're an asshole.  Don't be deceived... things are definitely NOT "fine".

NOTHING:  A standard response to the question "what's wrong?.  Trust me, when she says this, SOMETHING is wrong... and she's figuring out how to make you pay for it later.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

GO AHEAD:  Do NOT be fooled.  This is not permission to so something!  This is a dare.... and if you take her up on it... woe be unto you.

WHATEVER:  While we hate to sound like a 14 year old girl, its our way of saying "screw you" without escalating the argument to that level.  Don't be fooled.  We really are saying "screw you".

THAT'S OKAY:  No.  Its really not okay.  We say this to bide our time while we figure out how and when you will pay for your screw up.

WOW:  This is NOT a compliment.  This is a statement about how incredibly STUPID we think you are... as in "WOW, how can any man be that stupid?".

I HEAR YOU:  This is our way of getting you to stop nagging us about something.  We are NOT agreeing with you; we will do what we think is best... we just don't want to listen to your input any longer.  This phrase can also be substituted with "ROGER THAT".

So, until Rosetta Stone comes out with an AngryPilotWife series, you'll just have to keep checking back for more translations.

SICK CALL EXCUSES

Most Pilots are very health-conscious, or at least they are the day before their FAA Medical exam.  And no Pilot would ever consider flying with even the slightest case of the sniffles.  That's because they have ALL flown with a guy, who had a crash pad roommate, who knew this guy, who had a cousin that went to flight school with somebody, who knew a Gate Agent, that once dated a Pilot who flew with a head cold and BURST HIS EARDRUM (insert gasps of horror here).  So, most Air Line Pilots call out sick occasionally. 

Given the slightly paranoid nature of the typical Air Line Pilot, they try to mix it up when it comes to their excuse for the sick call so as to avoid a call from the Chief Pilot's Office (insert menacing da-da-dummmm music here)... or worse, having Schedulers place secret encoded messages in the Pilot's permanent record, telling other Schedulers to screw them over as much as possible with crappy overnights and non-commutable trips.  Let's take a look at some Pilot sick call excuses, and what they really mean, shall we?

EXCUSE:  I have terrible sinus congestion that has spread to my ears.
MEANING:  I'm hungover.

EXCUSE:  I have a stomach virus.
MEANING:  I'm hungover.

EXCUSE:  (while on a trip)  I think I got food poisoning.
MEANING:  The Captain (or First Officer) is an asshole and I cannot stand three more days of listening to this guy talk about his first wife, his second wife, and his 3 cats.

EXCUSE:  I slipped on the ice while going out to my car to drive to the airport.
MEANING:  I got drunk last night, tripped over the cat in the dark, and now I look like I've been in a bar fight.

EXCUSE:  I fell off the ladder while cleaning the rain gutters.
MEANING:  I got in a bar fight.

EXCUSE:  I think I have the flu.
MEANING:  I'm a 76ER Pilot.  I should be going to Paris... not Orlando at 6:00AM.  I am waaay to important to fly that trip.

EXCUSE:  I have a cold.
MEANING:  There's a Band of Brothers marathon on TV this weekend.

EXCUSE:  I caught pink eye from my child.
MEANING:  Its gonna' be 80 degrees and sunny tomorrow and I want to take the boat out.

EXCUSE:  I have an ear infection.
MEANING:  I worked 8 whole days already this month... I am exhausted... and you are abusing me by asking me to do another trip. Or, there's a Clint Eastwood marathon on SpikeTV.

So there you have it.  Don't blame me.  AngryPilotWife isn't responsible for the truth... I'm just the interpreter.


 

THE CHECKLIST

Pilots love checklists.  Departure checklists, after-start checklists, arrival checklists... having a checklist ensures you haven't missed a step.  As AngryPilotWives, we too, need a checklist.  You see, when you leave home, Dear Pilots, we throw all of your rules, anal-retentive tendencies, and discipline, out the window.  Your wife and your children, jump on the bed (with shoes on), we don't do dishes (until we run out of dishes-- then we buy paper plates), we stay up late, and your kitchen counters are littered with empty pizza boxes (and empty wine bottles-- for us, NOT the kids).  As such, we need to put everything back in order before you get home from your four day trip... lest you figure out the "funness" that occurs in your absence.  So here's a checklist of our own, fellow APWs.

 

The AngryPilotWife Checklist

 

1.     Obviously, the first thing we need to do is clean the house.  Haul off the empty wine bottles to the recycling center, find your kitchen sink under all of the dirty dishes, get out the snow shovel to move all of the toys from the middle of the living room, back to the playroom.  Vacuum all of the potato chip crumbs off the floor.  You know the drill.

 

2.     Fabreeze.  That pile of wet bathing suits you let sit on the floor for three days; the wet dog smell from letting the canine sleep on the sofa; the faint odor of trash that you waited four days to take out; the stinky sweat socks your boys left in the middle of the floor; the faint smell of cigarettes that you sneak when he's gone, even though you promised to quit months ago.... just spray the crap out of it.

 

3.     Delete your computer browsing history.  He does it (when he remembers), and you should too.  Delete "Plants Vs. Zombies" so he doesn't know you and the 7 year old stayed up until 10:00 slaying the undead.  Ditch "ShoeDazzle.com" and while I am NOT here to judge, if you have been on "AshleyMadison.com", for the love of God, make sure that's gone before he gets home.

 

4.     (This is for the SeniorPilotWives)  When it comes to the help, make sure they are aware your PilotHusband is on his way home.  Yes, this is for you, AngrySeniorUnitedPilotWife.  Tell Jorge, the 22 year old Latin pool boy, that he doesn't have to clean the pool in a thong this week.  He can go back to his Khaki shorts and golf shirt.  Tell the Handyman that he can go back to wearing a shirt under his overalls.  Pilots appreciate uniforms.  Just make sure any workers you have, are attired appropriately.  But please don't feel bad about it.  For years, your PilotHusband has been picturing the cleaning lady in a French maid outfit from Fredrick's of Hollywood.

 

5.     Go to the grocery store and buy a couple of rib-eye steaks, milk, orange juice, and some fresh veggies.  Don't let PilotHusband know that the entire family has been dining on Grape soda, Twinkies and potato chips for every meal since he left town.

You see Ladies, checklists are important ;)

THERE IS NO EFFING MAINTENANCE HERE

Pilots, upon reaching a certain point in their careers, are spoiled.  They sit on their ass and push a button and say "I'd like a coke"... and someone brings them a coke.  The sum total of their physical exertion is walking around an airplane.  If something breaks, they call Maintenance and wait at Starbucks while it gets fixed.  And while I'm venting, you people don't actually fly anywhere... that would involve flapping (and feathers).  You just got in from Paris.  You sat.  You steered.  You pushed buttons.  You read the Wall Street Journal.  BUT YOU DIDN'T FLY!  The geese that just landed in the lake across from our house just did some MAJOR FLYING, all the way from Canada... and I'm pretty sure no one served them a crew meal or fetched them some coffee.  Either your Company or your Contract tell you that can't possibly work more than 35 hours in a week, and a 24 hour period of absolutely nothing to do is required.  Heck, even Scheduling tells you when its time to "rest"; sort of like nap time at pre-school.

As a result, Air Line Pilots are detached from reality... like a cult member or a hostage with Stockholm Syndrome.  It's not their fault.  So, in an effort to re-integrate you boys back into society, let me give you a reality check.

1.   In the REAL world, there is not a team of mechanically inclined people standing at the ready to fix anything that breaks.  When the dishwasher breaks on Friday night, you cannot leave for a trip on Saturday and demand that there will be a new dishwasher installed by the time you return on Monday.  In the REAL world, one would drive to Home Depot, pick out an appliance, wait two days for a call to schedule delivery and installation two weeks later.  In PilotHusband's world, this situation required AngryPilotWife to drive to 3 stores to find the right dishwasher in stock, load it on my truck, come home and drag it in the house by myself, and spend the next day struggling to tear out the old one, and hardwire in and connect the plumbing for the new one.... but it is installed... before PilotHusband returns from his trip on Monday.

2.  In the REAL world, a catering truck does not pull up to the house several times a day, restocking whatever you need.  In the REAL world, people make grocery lists and get off the damn sofa and go to the grocery store.  In PilotHusband's world, APW goes to the grocery store to get provisions for our home, after asking PilotHusband if he needs anything.  Then after leaving the grocery store and driving half way home, APW turns around and goes back because PilotHusband called her to say he was out beer.  Then APW returns home to find that in her absence, PH ate all of the sandwich meat for our son's lunch tomorrow, all of the ice cream, and used the last of the toilet paper (which we are out of because he's been home so damn long).  This requires APW to go back to the grocery store a third time that day.

3.  In the REAL world, people do not have a legally binding contract requiring them to "rest" and do absolutely nothing for 24 hours.  In the REAL world, there is always something that needs to get done.  Even if "regular" folks have a day off from their jobs, there is still work to do; cooking dinner, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, laundry, washing dishes... it never ends.  In PilotHusband's world, the terms "rest" and "days off" are taken very seriously.  An off day requires less movement than a South American Giant Sloth, restricting PH to the sofa where he dutifully rests (and watches the Military Channel).

4.  In the REAL world, sometimes people are nice to you because they are genuinely kind people.  In the REAL world, the Manager at the grocery store greets everyone.  The school bus driver waves hello at each parent at every bus stop.  The kid at the local mini-mart is very friendly.  In PilotHusband's world, all of these people are friendly and accommodating because he showed up in uniform and they are impressed and in awe of the "double-breasted van admiral" attire.  Really?

5.  In the REAL world, people actually buy their own toilet paper, soap, shampoo, and conditioner.  In PilotHusband's world, if he's been home for a while, when the toilet paper runs out, we switch to Kleenex, and when that runs out... paper towels.  But under NO circumstances do Pilots buy toilet paper.  If God wanted Pilots to buy their own toilet paper, He wouldn't have created Housekeeping carts.


My background is actually in Clinical Psychology.  I'm thinking about starting a deprogramming center to re-integrate these poor Pilots back into mainstream society after retirement.  But I fear it would be like those facilities that try to turn gay teens straight. It just won't work.  Like Lady GaGa says, "they were born this way".  I guess the rest of us will just have to learn to roll with it.  Hey, somebody pass me the Kool-Aid!




 

OH NO HE DIDN'T !!!!!!

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PILOTHUSBAND CAN'T GET IT..... IN.

Some men have a hard time getting it up.  I get it... I've seen the commercials.  Blood pressure medication, low testosterone, stress, a wife who has let herself go... many factors affect a man's ability to "get it up".  Thankfully, PilotHusband does NOT have that problem (the capitals are used at his request).  However, PilotHusband has a huge problem getting it in... and I blame Mother D!

You see, once upon a time, PilotHusband used to be a 737 Captain, flying to tropical islands and resorts in South America.  His aircraft had a tiller on both sides of the cockpit, allowing both the Captain and the First Officer to taxi to the gate.  But at Mother D, the tiller is only on the Captain's side.  Given that PilotHusband is a First Officer, he can bring a wide body home from Europe (over the frozen North Atlantic) and land it (greasing it on every time), but he cannot bring it all the way in to the gate.  Therefore, he has developed a significant problem with "getting it in". 

Late last night, PilotHusband finished drinking a gallon of milk (straight from the container).  Rather than put it in the trash can, he left it on the counter.

When he got home from his trip, rather than put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, he dropped them on the floor, just 10 feet away.

After PilotHusband finished his dinner, he left his dirty plate on the counter, rather than putting it in the sink (or, God Forbid, the dishwasher).

PilotHusband is very anal about oral care. (I only phrased it that way to see what sort of freaks would find this site after a Google search of those two words)  Anyway, he flosses his teeth several times a day, but can never get the used floss in the trash can.

Given that we usually enter the house through the garage door, I built an elaborate cubby system to store our shoes.  Sadly, PilotHusband cannot get his shoes in a cubby.  Instead, I find them in front of doorways, under the coffee table, or strewn about the house.

Sometimes I wish PilotHusband had a problem "getting it up".  Then all it would take is a little blue pill to fix the problem.  Sadly, there is no cure for a man who cannot get it in.

HOW TO RETURN HOME FROM A TRIP... LIKE A REAL PILOT.

All Pilots have their routines.  PilotHusband follows the same format when he returns home, whether he has sat short call/ready reserve/quick call with no assignment, or has come home from a 4 day trip to Europe (over the frozen North Atlantic).  Follow my PilotHusband's routine if you want to return home like a real Pilot.

Step One.......  Greet your child as soon as you walk in the door.  Present your child with the "very special treat" Daddy brought home for him: stale hotel cookies and crushed breakfast muffins from First Class. Continue to do this after every trip even though your child looks at you like you're a total douche bag, and gives your "special treats" to the dog as soon as your back is turned.  Ignore the fact that the dog looks at you like you are a total douche bag, too.

Step Two.......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Three.....  Ignore your Wife who is busy in the kitchen, preparing your dinner.

Step Four......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Five......   Empty your suitcase of all the dirty clothes.  Dump them in a pile in the middle of the Dining Room.  Walk away.

Step Six.......    Pour yourself a drink.

Step Seven.....  Take a shower.  Change into the same stained sweatshirt and cargo shorts with the huge hole in the crotch that you were wearing just before you left on your trip.

Step Eight.....  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Nine.......  Finally greet your Wife by grabbing her ass and sticking your tongue down her throat.  Act surprised when this is not well received.

Step Ten.......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Eleven....  Spend the next hour, ignoring your family, while you catch up on the latest gossip and wisdom on Airline Pilot Central forums.

Step Twelve....  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Thirteen..  Spend the next hour whining about how hard your trip was (even though you are sporting a new sun tan) and bitching about your Captain (or F/O).  Be sure to talk about how you greased on your landings, over and over again.

Step Fourteen..  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Fifteen...   Decide that your wife is overcooking the roast.  Turn the oven off when she is not looking (even though it still has an hour to cook).

Step Sixteen...   Pour yourself drink.

Step Seventeen.. Act hurt and surprised when your Wife yells at you for screwing with the oven (and ruining the roast).  Retreat to your office to see how many people you can piss off and alienate on Face Book.

Step Eighteen..  Pour yourself one shot for every person who has "unfriended" you after your last Face Book rampage.

Step Nineteen..  Act surprised that your Wife and child have gone to bed.  Lay on the sofa and watch the Military Channel.  Tell the dog to stop looking at you like you're a douche bag. 

Night. Night. Sweet Pilots.  So glad you're home!

 

CLEARING THE AIR

In any relationship, misunderstandings, resentment, annoyances, and expectations can build up and create tension.  From time to time, its a good idea for couples to sit down and "clear the air"... or remove the turbulence, so to speak.  Any time I have tried to do this with my PilotHusband, he just turns up the volume on the Military Channel to drown me out.  So, I shall clear the air right here.  Perhaps he will read it, or someone on Airline Pilot Central will read it (and give him shit for it), or he will ignore it just as much in written form as he does verbally.  Regardless, I will feel better for getting it off my chest.... and it just may apply to some of you, as well.

1.    You do not get a gold star for doing your job.  That's what you are supposed to do.  I do my job every day, and no one gives me a smiley face sticker.  Thank you for transporting 300+ souls safely to Paris (over the frozen North Atlantic).... now will you PLEASE mow the effing lawn?

2.    If I call you while you are on a trip, its not because I want to talk to you.  If I call you, it is to express annoyance that you haven't called me.  Okay, I admit it... that probably doesn't make much sense.  Its a "chick thing".  I can view your schedule.  I know you had a three hour break in NYC; but you didn't call.  I know you got to the hotel on Day 2 at noon; but you didn't call until 7:00PM.  I know you didn't leave the hotel until 2:00PM on Day 4; but you didn't call until the end of your rotation.  I want to feel like, checking in with your family, is the most important thing to you.

*Please note, even if you did call at every soonest opportunity, I would still be short, curt, snippy, and dismissive, because I'm still pissed off about that thing you did/said/didn't do/didn't say, before you left.  Deal with it.  I went through LABOR... I win!  Pick up a damn phone.

3.    I know you want our son to follow in Daddy's footsteps and be a Pilot... for your Air Line.  However, if you keep nagging him about going to Annapolis or the Air Force Academy, and becoming a Carrier Qualified Pilot... he will rebel.  If you keep this up, he will end up majoring in Musical Theater at NC School of the Arts (not that there's anything wrong with that).  HE'S SEVEN!  Right now, he wants to become a "Toy Designer" and live at the North Pole with Santa, where he can design cool robot toys for the elves to make.  Chill a little bit, will ya'?

4.    I know you are a "stick and rudder" guy, but will you PLEASE get the stick out of your ass?  Contrary to popular belief, you can be friends with people who don't fly airplanes.  APW has lots of different friends, all of whom have something unique to contribute.  Heavily inked biker friends, militant lesbian friends, neo-hippie Renaissance Festival friends, redneck farmer friends, plain old redneck friends, uber-yuppie executive friends... and they all enrich my life and make me smile in their own way.  Pilots are not the Master Race.  You watch  Military Channel... you know how that turned out for the Nazis.

5.    Please stop deleting important emails and then dumping the computer trash, only to turn around and tell me there's an important email that I need to address.  How exactly am I supposed to do that?
.
Okay... I feel better now.  Don't worry.  I intend to be fair and balanced.  PilotHusband comes home today.  I'll make notes as to all of his complaints and post them here as well.  (This could get really interesting)

 

IF APW WROTE THE CONTRACT...

It has been said that you cannot serve two Masters.  I believe this to be true, especially when it comes to Pilots' Unions.  Evidently, the Sky Gods over at "Mother D" are coming to that realization. Personally, I have never understood how a union can negotiate a contract for a commuter / feeder Air Line, seeking more flying and expansion, and then turn around and negotiate a Legacy carrier contract, addressing scope and growth for them.  At the very least, it seems a bit disingenuous.  So, it looks like the Uber Aviators of Mother D may dump ALPA in favor of creating a new, Air Line-centric union.  If DPA gets voted in, I have one suggestion.  When contract negotiations roll around, we need Union Reps, Management, AND some AngryPilotWives, sitting at the table.

Let's face it, as PilotWives, we drop off and pick up their uniforms from the dry cleaner each week.  We do the laundry; we pack the suitcase; we fill out the bids; we keep track of the schedule; Hell, we filled out the damn application that got him the job in the first place.  Technically, we should be on payroll.  So when it comes time to negotiate a new contract, I want some input!  So, here is my list of "must-haves" for the next Pilot Contract.

1.     Pilots will be banned from having an overnight at the airport closest to their residence.  If you live in ATL, but are based in NYC, you will be banned from any trip that includes an ATL overnight.  If the Pilot can come home while on a trip, that defeats the whole purpose of getting him out of the house!

2.     If the final segments of a trip are canceled, the Pilot will be given other flying, or other duties, to ensure that he will NOT return home, sooner than expected.  Give him an out-and-back; make him dust the LazyBoys in the crew room, but DO NOT send him home before we expect him.   We need time to restore the house from Rock Star Debauchery to Squared Away Pilot Neatness. Do not screw with my program.

3.     All Pilots will be provided 6 new uniforms per year.  Pilots are cheap.  They will not buy new uniforms on their own.  Instead they will make us touch up the threadbare portions of their pants with a Sharpie marker, let their middle-aged gut hang over the waistband, and force us to bribe our Dry Cleaner with baked goods to constantly put a "rush" order on his clothing.  Please give a PilotWife a break.  A few extra uniforms would help.

4.     All Pilots will have a mandatory off day for their wedding anniversary.  This will leave them no excuse.  They will have to show up with a gift, or plan a night out with us.  Okay, its not a deal breaker, but it would be fun to watch them squirm as they are left with no excuse to avoid celebrating the day.

5.     All Pilots shall be required to fly over Thanksgiving.  Remember, PilotHusband got his love of aviation from his mother.... who has been flying around on a broom since you met her.  If our Pilots were off on Turkey Day, we'd have to entertain people that we don't like.  If all Pilots have to work on the holiday, we get a hall pass from dealing with horrible relatives.

6.     Pilots will be REQUIRED to take Xanax, Midol, Paxil, or Haldol during all Advanced Entitlement or Mandatory Displacement bid periods.  Every time APW has to fill out another bid, I have to spend weeks listening to the gloom and doom predictions of PilotHusband, even though he had held his position on his aircraft for 6 years.  More medication... less drama.

7.     Along with Medical, Dental, Vision, and Life Insurance, Pilots will be compensated with a "Handyman" benefit, allowing PilotWives to enlist help in the maintenance and repair of the home.  I don't know about you, but when something needs fixing around here, my Uber Aviator tells me to "Call Maintenance... I'll be at Starbucks until it gets done".  Pilots won't get on a ladder to paint or clean gutters because they don't want to fall and "lose my Medical".  Pilots don't do electrical repairs because they don't want to get shocked and "lose my Medical".  Pilots don't want to use a circular saw, rototiller, lawn mower, or any other power tool, because they might "lose my Medical".  Given how responsible Pilots are in protecting their First Class Medical status, I think the company could provide a little help here.

I have many more suggestions, but I don't want to put all of my cards on the table... just yet.  Hey DPA, I'm rooting for you.  But be advised, the AngryPilotWives want a seat at the table too.

 

DOGS VS. PILOTS

I got a call last night from a fellow AngryPilotWife.  After 30 minutes of marital complaints, she announced, "All Pilots are dogs!".  Given that I really like dogs, I wasn't sure that was a fair assessment.  It got me thinking... are Pilots and dogs really that similar?  If not, how are they different?

When it comes to greetings, Pilots and dogs are very similar.  Both have their rituals to get a sense of the other person... or canine.  For dogs, this starts with smelling each others' butts.  Then whichever one growls first, is the Alpha.  For Pilots it starts with, "Who do you fly for?" and dominance is established by one's answer to the question, "What equipment are you on?".  However, it would probably be less socially awkward if Pilots just smelled each other and growled if they flew a wide-body.

Dogs are, inherently social creatures; longing to be part of a pack.  In her youth, we took our Rottweiler / German Shepherd mix to the local dog park to run with her posse of dog buddies.  Now, she naps on the front porch, waiting for neighbors to walk by with their canines, who inevitably stop by for a while to frolic.  Pilots aren't much different.  They to, are very social creatures.  However they fulfill this need by spending hours reading and posting on Airline Pilot Central forums.

As a rule, dogs are loyal.  Pilots... well... some are.   Dogs are ALWAYS happy to see you.  They bark as soon as they hear you pull in the driveway.  They wait at the door for you to enter.  They jump.  They wag their tails.  They are soooooo happy you are home!  On the other hand, Pilots will ignore you when you walk in the house; especially if you are carrying in groceries or there's something good on the Military Channel or Fox News.  Big effing difference!

Here's another similarity.... Dogs love to play fetch.  Our dog, Ava Garner, will drop a stick at my feet, over and over again, just for the chance to retrieve it.  Pilots love to play fetch too.  However for Pilots, the game is more like "Fetch me a beer" or "Fetch me a sandwich" and they never give it back.... until its empty.

Another difference; dogs have NO concept of time.  If I go in the bathroom, and shut the door, when I emerge, the dog greets me as if I just returned from 2 tours in Afghanistan.  PilotHusbands are acutely aware of time.  This is especially true if they have to get up early for a trip.  If PilotHusband has to catch the 6:00 flight into base, he starts announcing how much time is left before he must rise, about 24 hours ahead of time.  Like some Doomsday clock counting down, you are CONSTANTLY reminded of PilotHusband's concept of time.

Finally, there is a HUGE difference in the way doggie transgressions, and Pilot transgressions, are dealt with. Depending on your Homeowner's Insurance and your neighbors' tolerance, dogs only get two chances to screw up before they are carted off by the big evil Animal Control truck.  Hell... Ol' Yeller only got to get cranky one time, before they put a bullet in him.  If I shot PilotHusband every time he got sideways, I would have run out of ammo a long time ago.  When it comes to dog's; there's a "two strikes-- you're out" rule.  PilotHusbands seem to have more lives than cats... but that's a whole different blogpost.



 

 

APW and Trooper: our "rescue" Pitbull

PILOTS ARE CHEAP... MINE IS THE CHEAPEST

As an AngryPilotWife who has had to use single-ply toilet paper thieved from PilotHusband's last overnight, and whatever crap shampoo comes out of those teeny tiny bottles for the better part of twenty years, I understand that, as a species, Pilots are cheap.  But mine takes it to a whole new level.

Over the years, I have seen him save the good liquor bottles that he brought home from the duty free shop, and refill them with bottom shelf rotgut.  I have seen him line the front of the refrigerator with bottles of Leffe, only to fill the rest of the rows in with Budweiser.  And yes, I have watched him open 127 little bags of peanuts to fill a serving bowl for a cocktail party I was hosting. 

As if that were not bad enough, a few months ago he achieved a new low.  After weeks of demanding that he take me out for a nice dinner, he finally relented.  We drove to Outback Steakhouse.  But when we got to the parking lot, he told me to wait in the car.  I did, thinking he was running ahead to put our name on the waiting list.  Sadly, no.  That was not the case.  A few minutes later he emerged with two plastic bags containing plastic cutlery and Styrofoam boxes.  Oh he got his Shrimp on the Barbie, I got my Petite Sirloin, and we even got a Bloomin' Onion to share.  PilotHusband figured out that if we got the same food that we would have ordered in the restaurant, but ordered it to go, he would save 15% on a tip!  THEN he pulled out a small cooler from the backseat and produced beverages, saving us even more money.  He tried to say he was being romantic... like taking me to a drive-in movie... only without the movie.  Yeah right.

But just when I thought he couldn't get any cheaper.... he has outdone himself yet again.  Lately, PilotHusband has had a lot of LAX overnights.  When he returns home, he always brings a copy of the LA Times back with him (that he got for free at the hotel).  This seemed strange to me.  He's more of a Wall Street Journal kind of guy.  One day I noticed he had thrown the LA Times in the trash.  I pulled it out, thinking I could use it to line the bottom of the Guinea Pig cage (because when you think about it, that's all the LA Times is really good for).  That's when I noticed that there were several neatly cut rectangular holes in the paper.  PilotHusband had been regularly cutting something out.  But what could it be?

[Before I continue.... let's have a little lesson in cultural differences, shall we?  Here in rural North Carolina, when someone passes away, after a day or two, we have a church service followed by a reception in either the church fellowship hall, or the family home.  Everyone brings a covered dish and talks about how wonderful the deceased was.  Then we stick them in the ground between the church and the softball field.  Done.  In Hollywood / Los Angeles, popularity is just as important in death as it is in life.  Often, memorial services are delayed for weeks to secure a big enough venue, or allow people to fit it into their schedules, to allow for the maximum amount of mourners.]

So... PilotHusband has been cutting out, and saving OBITUARIES!  Why?  My cheap-ass Hubby is keeping a catalogue of memorial services so that if he gets another long LAX overnight in the next few weeks he can show up for the free food and drinks.  He thinks that as long as he wears his hat (and he always wears his hat) and shows up looking like a "Double-Breasted Van Admiral" that he will be welcomed with open arms and pointed to the buffet.  I shit you not.

If you can beat this, my fellow AngryPilotWives, please e-mail me and let me know.  As for now, I have the pleasure of being married to the cheapest Pilot of them all.  I'm so proud.





UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

I don't make the rules.... I just live by them.  While I am a firm believer in shades of grey (and I'm talking about ambiguity... NOT the "Mommy porn" books), I recognize that there are certain black and white, finite, truisms in the Universe.

1.     When your Best Drinking Buddy stops returning your calls, chances are he's newly released from rehab, and in accordance with "Step 4", he's not allowed to play with you any more.  Bummer.

2.     No matter how clear and beautiful the weather is, and regardless of the time of year, if your PilotHusband flies to Europe, he will return with a harrowing tale of "flying over the FROZEN NORTH ATLANTIC".  Just roll with it, Ladies.

3.     When a previously "normal" PilotBuddy starts posting Bible quotes on his FaceBook page, it means he just got busted cheating on his wife, is going through a nasty divorce, and is trying to improve his image for the upcoming litigation.

4.     If an AngryPilotWife types "you" into the address bar on the computer, it will auto fill "YouPorn" instead of "YouTube".  Its not your PilotHusband's fault.  That's just how the alphabet works.

5.     Pilots don't listen (unless you're talking over a radio... from the control tower).  No matter how many times you tell your husband that the recent heavy rains are driving venomous copperhead snakes into the open, and regardless of how many times he has watched you hack one of these poisonous snakes to death in the back yard with a shovel (through the window, as he lays on the couch, watching the Military Channel), he will inevitably come home and announce that he heard on the radio that all the heavy rain will be driving Copperheads into the yard.  REALLY?!

6.     Pilots are good at long term goals.  They SUCK at short term goals.  This is why your PilotHusband will insure money for your child's education, and ample resources for retirement, but you CANNOT put him in charge of planning your child's birthday party or any other occasion.  If PilotHusband were in charge of Christmas, we'd have to convert to Judaism;  then at least he'd have 8 days to get it right.

7.     In the Zombie Apocalypse, you're better off picking Ving Rhames than Brad Pitt, for your team.  I'm just saying.

8.     PilotHusbands have no short term memory.  When he announces that we have enough pets and we shouldn't adopt any more creatures, just wait until he leaves for a trip.  Then you can adopt a Guinea Pig from PetSmart, and take in 4 fuzzy little chicks (that need to be incubated in a fish tank in your formal dining room).  He won't remember his mandate when he gets home.  Oh, he'll still be pissed about the zoo that you are collecting, however he won't be pissed that you defied his dictate... because he won't remember it.

9.     Happy Places are important.  When your PilotHusband starts telling the tale about how he greased on his last landing (for the 47th time), pretend to be interested and just go to your happy place.  Mine usually involves George Clooney and a bottle of Spicy Italian Salad Dressing... but that part is entirely up to you.

The Universe has been around for a very long time.  Do not fight the Universe.  Accept the finite, and revel in the infinite.  Learn to accept what IS, and explore what COULD BE.  Sorry to get all Yoda on you, but that's how I see it.

PILOT RELATIONSHIP SEMINARS

Boys... pour yourselves a glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label, and keep the bottle handy.  Ladies... get out a glass and keep the box of wine close by.  The good news is, I am going to save you $347.00 (plus shipping and handling).  The bad news; we might be here a while.

It has come to my attention that there are seminars you can attend, and a 6 hour (ugh!) dvd course available for purchase; all about improving Pilot/Spouse relationships.  To the best of my understanding, the theory is, the qualities that make someone a good Pilot are in direct conflict with the personality characteristics that make someone a good spouse.  Okay.  I get it.  Just do an Internet search of "Pilot personality traits" and you will get a bevy of profession articles on the topic.  Even the "great and powerful" ALPA has acknowledged this.  But the secondary point doesn't ring true for me.  The theory (again, to the best of MY understanding) goes on to say that Pilots are not born; they are trained.  If we can train someone to embrace the qualities that make a good Pilot, we can train them to exhibit qualities that make a good partner.  REALLY?

If the theory were valid, here's what would happen.  At the end of 6 mind-numbing hours of dvd lectures, we would have PilotHusbands who rubbed our feet, changed diapers, fixed things around the house, talked about their feelings, and ACTUALLY cared about what happened at our last book club meeting.  HOWEVER, after removing the "Pilotness" from our PilotHusbands, we'd have planes falling out of the skies.  Face it.  That which drives us crazy in the marriage, keeps everybody (including our PilotHusbands) SAFE.  So.... save $347 and Cowgirl Up!

Reality check, my Sisters.... you CHOSE to marry a Pilot.  Or, you chose that really cute boy in college who said he wanted to go to Law School until he took his first flight lesson and then you had to drop out of Grad school to help pay for his flight training... (Oooops. Sorry. That's me).  Anyway, I'm just suggesting that we knew what we were getting into.  Do NOT change him!  The things that drive you crazy are the very things that make him good at his job.  Instead, learn to adapt and cope.

Let's take a moment to address some of the Pilot personality traits.  Pilots are self-sufficient.  Being married to a Pilot is like owning a cat.  They do their own thing... until they are done doing their own thing... and then they want to snuggle aggressively, regardless of your schedule.  If you own a cat, or a Pilot, you have to let it do its own thing, and appreciate it when its ready to be loved on.  If you can accept that from a cat (who doesn't help pay the mortgage), why can't you tolerate it from a Pilot?


According to the research, Pilots have difficulty trusting anyone to do a task as well as they can.  This is why your Pilothusband leaves you alone for days at a time with your child, and leaves you to deal with the diaper rash, colic, and strep throat, but comes home and tries to micro-manage your every move.  When he starts to lecture you about child care, do NOT engage him in a long conversation (especially if it involves "feelings"-- that's a Pilot's Kryptonite).  Instead, just say "Roger that".  This is the most useful, beautiful, awesome phrase on the planet.  It neither admits wrong-doing on your part, nor superiority on his; it simply lets him know you heard him... and he will let it go.

Generally speaking, Pilot's are unemotional.  This makes them good at dealing with an emergency.  They analyze the data, and choose to act accordingly.  However, this makes them cold and insensitive in personal relationships.  Hello?  That's why we have girlfriends!  Feeling unappreciated?  Fat?  Overwhelmed?  Lonely?  DO NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR PILOTHUSBAND!  Get a sitter and meet the girls out for cocktails.  Can't find a sitter?  E-mail me at MBRenfest@gmail.com to get it off your chest.  But under NO circumstances are you to discuss sad/uncomfortable/discontented feelings with a PilotHusband.  No good can come from that.  You are simply setting yourself up for failure.

It is widely acknowledged that Pilots prefer to modify their environment, than change their behavior.  This is why they are willing to change bases to stay on the same equipment.  Keep this in mind before you drag them to a dinner party or a Parent Advisory Council Meeting at your child's school.  Your PilotHusband is who he is.  He will not change.  Think twice before you subject him to an environment he doesn't like.

The personality characteristics list is extensive, but I don't want to turn this into a boring 6 hour dvd  lecture series.    All I'm saying is there are a lot of qualities that any sane woman would find maddening.  But there are a lot of good ones, as well.  Separate the wheat from the chaff.  Love that which is admirable, and deal with the other stuff.  You are a PilotWife.  You are part of a sisterhood.  Rely on your sisters.  Do not expect that from your PilotHusband that he is unable to give.

Please check back to this site for my upcoming dvd series:  You Married a Pilot... Suck It Up.  Available soon for only $299.00!
 

REDNECKS VS. PILOTS

Hello.  My name is AngryPilotWife... and I am a Redneck.  There is no support or recovery group for this because there ain't one damn thing wrong with being a Redneck!  Let's get our terminology straight.  With no disrespect to Jeff Foxworthy, being a Redneck doesn't mean you live in a single-wide trailer with the first cousin you married.  Being a Redneck means you love your country, love your family, love your community, work hard, play hard, know everyone in church by name, and you are friends with at least 4 men over the age of 75, regardless of your age.

PilotHusband, although born and raised in the South, is definitely NOT a Redneck.  It got me thinking about the similarities and differences between Rednecks and Air Line Pilots.  Here's what I came up with....

Similarity: Air Line Pilots and Rednecks both have a favorite hat.  For Pilots, its the uniform hat they worked for years to get.  They spend hours, at home, drinking Scotch, watching the Military Channel, bending the hat, until they achieve the perfect look.  And sadly, for most Pilots, they end up looking like U-Boat Captains.  Rednecks love their hats too.  For us, its a ball cap that is faded from hours in the sun, stained with sweat, and (if broken in correctly) slightly frayed at the brim.  Pilot hats are useful, as they convey professionalism, authority, and rank.  Redneck hats are useful, as they keep the sun out of your eyes, the sweat from rolling down your face, and can be used to swat at horse flies or hornets when working outside.

Difference:  This one is a bit tricky.  While both Air Line Pilots and Rednecks may drive a pickup truck, only Rednecks actually USE their truck.  Pilots may drive a truck, but they don't actually use it for anything.  A redneck uses his (or her) truck to tow a bass boat, haul in a load of hay, deliver firewood, or illuminate a kick-ass party in the middle of a field.  If a Pilot's truck gets dirty, he heads off to the nearest car wash.  If a Redneck's truck gets dirty, it fills us with a sense of pride because it shows everyone that we either had the most fun or worked the hardest.

Similarity:  Pilots and Rednecks tend to be Republicans and hard core Constitutionalists.  Pilots believe in the Right to Free Speech.  Rednecks practice it frequently, saying exactly what is on their mind.  We just preface it with "I mean no disrespect, but..." or "Bless your heart...".  Pilots believe in the Right to Bare Arms.  Rednecks do it frequently.  We hunt and eat what we kill  We have target practice.  However it involves empty beer cans in a field instead of some fancy range with a cigar lounge.  If you show up at the end of our dirt driveway, we'll rack a Winchester Defender, just before we greet you warmly, just to be on the safe side.

Difference:  Pilots hire, Rednecks do.  An Air Line Pilot looks at the pine tree that fell in his yard during the last storm and calls someone to remove it.  A Redneck chunks up the pine tree that fell in his yard and hauls it off to the field for an awesome bonfire party.

Difference:  Anthems.  The standard Pilot anthem, whether they admit it or not, is Kenny Loggins singing "Danger Zone" from the movie Top Gun.  For us Rednecks; we gravitate towards Garth Brooks' "I Got Friends in Low Places" or Toby Keith singing "Red Solo Cup".

All in all, if we could get Pilots to go mudding instead of flying, shoot some soda pop cans instead of going to the FFDO requal range, and use their hands for something other than... well... that thing they do while watching You.Porn, this might be the start of a beautiful friendship!

 

EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING

Lionel Ritchie sang "Easy Like Sunday Morning". I didn't know he was a pilot.  Lionel must be, because when PilotHusband is home, Sunday mornings are super easy for him.... not so much for AngryPilotWife.  Here's the timeline for the past Sunday.  Decide for yourself.  Oh and please excuse the Zulu Time... that's how we roll.

1000Z (6:00AM)  AngryPilotWife wakes up... because that's what time APW wakes up every day.  PilotHusband is wrapped in all the covers like some mutant caterpillar and snoring like a bulldozer with a misfiring engine.

1100Z (7:00AM)  APW finishes sucking down 2 Monster energy drinks and watching the local morning news.  PilotHusband shuffles past, naked, and gets a glass of water from the kitchen.  He announces. "We are NOT going to church this morning" and he goes back to bed.

1300Z (9:00AM)  After feeding the chickens, changing the hay in their nesting box, feeding the toads, tadpoles, newly metamorphosed baby frogs, the dog, the cat, the snails, and the Guinea Pig, APW wakes the child, feeds him breakfast and dresses him.  Then we depart for church, telling the congregation that PilotHusband is on a trip.  PilotHusband continues to snore in his makeshift chrysalis.

1430Z (10:30AM) Upon returning from church, APW finds PilotHusband sitting on the sofa, watching FoxNews and drinking coffee, wearing a white terry bathrobe, looking like a cranky polar bear.  APW changes into work clothes, gets out her Ryobi saw and heads out to the back yard to start chunking up the trees we lost in the last big thunderstorm.

1530Z (11:30AM) APW comes back in the house to get a cold bottle of water.  PilotHusband is laying on the sofa, drinking a Leffe, watching "The Longest Day" on the Military Channel (for the 57th time).  He barely notices APW lugging her Ryobi paint sprayer out the back door to apply primer to 600 feet of cinder block retaining wall because its that great scene when they storm Sword Beach with Sean Connery.  Who could fault him for that?

1615Z (12:15PM) APW comes back in the house to fetch her drill, saw, hardware cloth, and ferring strips, announcing that she must repair the enclosure around the chicken coop because the bobcat, fox, or coyote, tried to get in.  PilotHusband does not notice this because he's watching Richard Burton get shot down (you know, the part where he breaks his leg and waits for the GIs and the guy has his boots on the wrong feet... cinematic genius).

I could go on and on.  Suffice it to say, the critters all got fed, APW and our son got some religion, the trees got cut, the retaining wall got painted, the chicken coop enclosure got repaired, and an acre and a half of grass got mowed.  As for PilotHusband, he drank coffee and watched FoxNews, he drank Leffe and watched "The Longest Day", then he drank Scotch and watched the "Hitler's Henchmen" marathon.  Oh yeah, then I cooked him dinner.

"Easy Like Sunday Morning"?????  No disrespect to the Commodores, but Lionel Ritchie can bite me.  For all you self-sufficient AngryWives, and you PilotHusbands who do more than fly airplanes and watch the Military Channel, please check out the link to Ryobi.  I really do own these tools, use them ("cause no one else in this house would), and recommend them. http://bdash.ca/?url=NTM2MzY2





 

HOW TO AGE GRACEFULLY, LIKE A REAL PILOT

In truth, real pilots do not age gracefully.  So, in truth, if you want to grow older with grace and dignity, you may want to view these guidelines as a cautionary tale... and do the exact opposite.  But if you are a real Air Line Pilot, here's how to approach old age.

Step One.....  Ignore the empirical evidence that our metabolism slows with age.  Eat as much as you ever did; if not more.  Refuse to buy clothes in a larger size.  Instead, buy the same size waistband, and let your ever increasing gut hang over the top.  Chicks dig that.

Step Two.....  Even though every movie and child's toy comes with a recommendation as to what is age appropriate; that does not apply to you.  If you find yourself over 50 and single, find a girlfriend that is half your age or less.  People will look at you and think, "What a virile and attractive man".  No one will think your new playmate is a gold-digger, or  has unresolved daddy issues.  A woman's love of shiny things doesn't have to mean jewelry... it could totally apply to the sheen on your bald spot.

Step Three...  Darwin is an idiot.  Do NOT evolve!  Stay just as you are!  Rock those acid-washed jeans and that Member's Only Jacket.  Keep that HUGE Nokia cell phone... everyone knows "Snakes" is a much better game than "Angry Birds".

Step Four....  When your cell phone provider contacts you to inform you that your phone is sooooo old, it will be obsolete in a few weeks and no longer usable, finally upgrade to a new smart phone.  Spend the next two weeks unable to figure out how to answer your phone.  Spend the next 5 months harassing your First Officers into teaching you how to use your new phone.

Step Five....  Plan for your retirement.  For most folks, this means sitting down with a financial planner and addressing your IRA and 401K.  For REAL Pilots, planning for retirement means escalating your complaints about the current Administration, and threatening to move your family to Costa Rica, the D.R., Sweden, Norway, or Cuba (once Castro is dead).

Step Six.....  Do NOT go grey!  Let's face it.  You are not Sean Connery.  There is a reason the Silver Fox is on the Endangered Species List.  Slather on that Grecian Formula for Men until your hair is the color of brown shoe polish.  Deep down inside, women have been conditioned to be attracted to men with single tone, brown hair... just like a Ken doll.  If it was good enough for Barbie, its good enough for the rest of us.

Step Seven...  Finally, remember the words of that immortal song from the early days of rock and roll... "Shake, Rattle, and Roll".  You are at you sexiest when, as you walk through the airport, your belly shakes, the Lipitor, Viagra, and Cialis in your pocket rattle, and your crew bag continues to roll.  Rock on, you aging Pilots!  Like a fine wine, you get better with age.

*** I'd like to send a special greeting and thank you to my readers in Latvia.  How on Earth you found my blog, I'll never know!  But I truly appreciate your continued support!  Your country is now third in readership... behind the US and United Arab Emirates.  Cheers!