Sunday, September 14, 2014

YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A PILOT'S HOUSE WHEN...

Air Line Pilot's have varied tastes in style and design.  You enter the home of a Pilot and find rich leather sofas and mahogany bookcases, or you may find a duct taped beanbag chair and lumber and cinder block shelves (depending on how many times he's been divorced).  Whether he enjoys Swedish Modern, Southwest, Victorian, or Rustic design, you can ALWAYS tell if you're in a Pilot's house!

You know you're in a Pilot's house when.....

1.   in every bathroom, and in the linen closet, you will only find WHITE towels.  This is not because of his affection for clean, crisp, spa-like d├ęcor.  This is because every towel in his home was taken from a hotel bathroom, or pool.  Look closely.  Some of them even have "Holiday Inn" woven into the fabric.

2.   in every bathroom, you will only find single-ply industrial toilet paper.  Air Line Pilot's do not remember that grocery stores actually have an aisle dedicated to toilet paper.  Since their first overnight, when they discovered an unmanned housekeeping cart, they have tapped into an unlimited supply of free toilet paper (and we know how much Pilots love free shit).

3.   at a Pilot's cocktail party, the only snack served is peanuts.  Normally, I'd give them a bunch of crap at this point, but it DID take them an awfully long time to open all of those little packages.

4.   if invited to a dinner party, if you look under the matching plates (which are unusually smaller than your average dinner plates), you will find the logo of their Air Line... because they all came out of First Class.

5.   even if the Pilot's taste doesn't lean toward mid-century modern, you will find Mad Men-esque, glass decanters on his bar.  This is because he fills them with those tiny liquor bottles from the airplane.

6.   in his refrigerator, you will find a variety of high end beer, brought home from his international trips; Leffe, Duval, VB, etc.  HOWEVER, hidden in the crisper drawer (that should contain fruits and vegetables), you will find the contents of an 18 pack of cheap, crappy, high-alcohol content, American beer.

And finally, you know you're in a Pilot's house when... in every single room, you will find an airplane model, a picture of an airplane, an Air Line Logo, a vintage "Pilot For Hire" tin sign, or photos of the Pilot in full uniform regalia... because he wants to be sure you truly understand his awesomeness.