Monday, December 31, 2012


So.... it's New Year's Eve.  Time for Resolutions.  Yeah... APW usually doesn't do resolutions.  But this year, I'm gonna' give it a try.

In 2013, I resolve to try to be a better person. 

1.  I will try to refrain from referring to PilotHusband's "fat ass".  But, truth be told, since he quit smoking, it has grown much larger.

2.  I will no longer refer to UPSPilotBuddy's girlfriend as "the evil Canadian C&n%"... but she really is an evil Canadian C&n%.

3.  I will give up my Voodoo dolls in the shape of my In-Laws, my Mother, all the members of our Homeowners Board of Directors, and Barack Hussein Obama.  Okay... I can totally do this... but I really need to hold on to the Obama one for a few more years.  Sorry.

4.  I will ... oh crap!  That's all I've got!  Seriously!  Did you think I was gonna' say I would quit drinking wine?  Or quit bitching about PilotHusband?  Be serious, People!

Oh Hell.  I tried.  Truth be told,  New Year's Eve is for the immature.  Resolutions are for the deluded.  I will keep doing what I have always done, and I'll meet you back here next year.

Much love to all of you!  And Happy New Year!


Friday, December 21, 2012


Since most PilotWives have to fend for themselves over the holidays, I thought I would share some hints and tips that APW has implemented over the years to make things Holly Jolly.

1.  It sucks that your PilotHusband will be gone over Christmas.  However, he is a grown-up.  He had plenty of cool Christmas mornings in his youth.  Do NOT, under any circumstances, move Christmas to accommodate your PilotHusband's schedule if your children are over the age of three.  Santa comes on Christmas Eve.  Period.  To pretend that Christmas is some other day requires you to sequester your children like OJ Jurors.  Someone will blow it.  Don't even go there.  Do Christmas on December 25th.  Take lots of videos and let Dad get his presents when he gets home.  Do not buy into his sob story.  I've done Christmas in Paris and New York.... it doesn't suck.  If your child believes in Santa, he or she comes first.  Do not blow the magic of it all.

2.  Reindeer are important.  Sure, we all leave out cookies for Santa, but the reindeer get hungry too.  Be sure to put a plate of carrots and deer corn outside before bed.

3.  If you live in a house with a fireplace, spray hairspray on the soles of a pair of boots and dust them with baby powder or fireplace ashes.  Leave a trail of footprints from the chimney to the tree.  Its sooooo tinsel!!!!

4.  To assemble bicycles, dollhouses, train sets, or anything else the requires an engineering degree, for your child to find under the tree, enlist the help of a high school boy or your neighbor's kid home from college.  They are better at that sort of thing.  Plus it gives you a chance to pull out your best "Mrs. Robinson" impersonation.  Hey!  Whatever gets the X-box installed or the Barbie DreamHouse put together!

5.  Stockings are important!  I mean the "hung by the chimney with care" kind, not the kind worn by Anne Bancroft in The Graduate.  Be sure Santa leaves something in every one's stocking.  In our house, PilotHusband always gets black dress socks in his... only because coal is hard to come by here.

Don't stress.  Christmas, by its very nature, is a perfect and beautiful thing.  I wish you all much joy and wonderment this holiday season.

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl this year.  I only threw 3 dishes at PilotHusband all year and I even took all of my empty wine bottles to the recycling center.  I made it through 2 parent teacher conferences without putting my son's teacher in a headlock.  And I have refrained from having my crazy-ass Mother committed... although I swear to God, she's pushing it.  I have tried to be a good friend, even to the people who annoy the crap out of me.  I haven't run over my In-Laws either (but to be honest, that was more about not wanting to damage my truck).  And I rescued a kitten.

So, Big Guy, I may not be "nice"... but I haven't been "naughty" either.  Is there some alternate list or special caveat for people like me?  Seriously, even you can't expect APW to be nice.  Can we compromise?  How about a list for "As Nice As They Are Capable Of" people?  Seems fair to me.

Anyway, it's not like I have a long or complicated wish list this year (as a result of 22 years of ever lowering expectations as my PilotHusband has no idea what the inside of a mall, or a jewelry store looks like).  So, if you decide to cut me a little slack on the whole "nice" thing, here's what I want for Christmas....

1.  A new laptop, just so I can start typing in YouTube without the search history immediately sending me to YouPorn after I type the first 3 letters. 

2.  A box of bumper stickers that say "They Started It" so every time I see one of those insipid "Coexist" bumper stickers, I can cover it up.

3.  Peace on Earth.... but only after we level all of the radical extremist countries in the Middle East where they think its perfectly acceptable to shoot little girls for daring to go to school and where becoming a suicide bomber to score a couple virgins in Heaven is an adequate career goal.

4.  A KitchenAid stand mixer in red.  No, really.

5.  Botox... to erase the lines PilotHusband caused.

6.  Wine.  Something white; not too oaky; perhaps a bit on the sweet side.  (PS, if you get the box, its easier to wrap... I'm just saying.

Thanks, Mr. C.  The cookies will be in the usual spot this year.  Enjoy.  Oh yeah, please tell the Reindeer to stop pooping on the roof.  I just had the gutters cleaned.


Friday, December 14, 2012


For those of you who follow APW on Facebook, you know that recently we had to put down our ancient, beloved cat, Norman.  Your kind words were a great comfort to me.  I was also comforted by the fact that Norman the Large lived long enough to mentor our new rescue kitten.

Here are Norman's rules for achieving Cat Awesomeness...

1.  Love your people thoroughly.

2.  Hang out with the short people at meal times.  They frequently drop yummy things on the floor.

3.  Find the square of sunshine on the floor and lay there.  As long as you look cute, no one will mind.

4.  Grooming is important.

5.  Be curious... but don't get trapped in a closet.

6.  Wait until PilotHusband leaves town before you decide his pillow is the best place to nap.

7.  Do NOT, under any circumstances, climb the Christmas tree.  Its just not worth it.

8.  Only use the sofa as a scratching post when no one else is around.

9.  Snuggle aggressively at bedtime.

10.  Respect the dog... but don't put up with any crap.

11.  Use your claws judiciously.

12.  Never over do it on the catnip.  You will look loopy and embarrass yourself.

13.  If you wipe out when trying to climb the curtains, recover quickly and act like you meant to do that.  Remember, looking cool is important.

14.  No matter how tempting, the dryer and the microwave are really bad places to hide.

15.  When in doubt, curl up in some one's lap and purr.

Actually, these are pretty good rules for everyone... except for the last one.  That could get you into trouble. 

Tuesday, December 4, 2012


We have discussed the differences between being a Pilot and a REAL Pilot.  A Pilot has a job in aviation.  A REAL Pilot bleeds hydraulic fluid, thinks aircraft size is more important than penis size, and would SO bathe in a shower gel called "Prop Wash".  So, when flying over the holidays, are you a Pilot, or a REAL Pilot?  Take this simple quiz to determine if its just a job, or if you are an all- consumed, ego maniacal, God of the Skies, UBER PILOT.  Just answer "True" or "False" to the following statements and tally up your score.

1.  When I hear "Ho Ho Ho", I really hope it is in reference to my 3 Flight Attendants, and not the gentle laughter of some fat guy in a red suit.

2.  I think it is an appropriate display of Christmas spirit to refer to my male lead Flight Attendant as "Hermie the Elf" for the entire 4 day trip.

3.  I take the large tins of homemade, elaborately decorated sugar cookies my wife made for me to share with my crew and Gate Agents and eat them all myself.... except for the Santa cookies.  I just bite the heads off of those and cuss Crew Scheduling with my mouth full of sugary deliciousness.

4.  No disrespect to my ELALPilotBuddies, but I have no sympathy for Pilots who have to fly over Hanukkah.  The Festival of Light is eight days long.  Surely they will make it home for at least one day... unless they are on that 9 day Asia trip... in which case they are way more senior than me and make way more money than me, so F&%$ them.

5.  I think the Three Wise Men refers to Buzzpat, T Square, and DogWhisperer on AirlinePilotCentral.  (Sorry Boomer.... you get to be a shepherd in our Christmas pageant).

6.  When visited in the middle of the night by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future; I told them to shut up and F&%$ Off because I had a 4:30 van time.

7.  I wear festive, non-uniform, holiday ties because either my wife was too busy decorating the house, baking cookies, assembling the toys to go under the tree, and attending the school Christmas Play to take my uniform tie to the Dry Cleaner, OR, I am on my third divorce and welcome the chance to save a few bucks on Dry Cleaning by wearing a tie I would normally never be caught dead in.

8.  I think anyone who knows every verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas should be shot on sight.

9.  Rather than help shop, decorate, or socialize in the days prior to my holiday trip, I think I should lay on the couch and watch the Military Channel.

10. I am appalled that NORAD tracks Santa's flight over Christmas Eve instead of monitoring the radical, extremist, lunatics in the Middle East on the verge on nuclear weapons.

If you answered "True"....
7-10 times:  CONGRATULATIONS!  You are a REAL Pilot!  Keep the Blue side up? Screw that!  You could fly upside-down long before Denzel Washington.

4-7 times:    You need to embrace your inner Sky God.  Remember there is no one cooler than a Pilot (except for maybe Astronauts, but most of them started out as pilots... and you could so be one if you wanted to, but you don't want to give up your seniority number).

Less than 4:  Ugh!!!  You are that guy everyone hates to fly with.  You are destined to work in management and be even more hated than you already are.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!