Sunday, January 5, 2014


Most Pilots are very health-conscious, or at least they are the day before their FAA Medical exam.  And no Pilot would ever consider flying with even the slightest case of the sniffles.  That's because they have ALL flown with a guy, who had a crash pad roommate, who knew this guy, who had a cousin that went to flight school with somebody, who knew a Gate Agent, that once dated a Pilot who flew with a head cold and BURST HIS EARDRUM (insert gasps of horror here).  So, most Air Line Pilots call out sick occasionally. 

Given the slightly paranoid nature of the typical Air Line Pilot, they try to mix it up when it comes to their excuse for the sick call so as to avoid a call from the Chief Pilot's Office (insert menacing da-da-dummmm music here)... or worse, having Schedulers place secret encoded messages in the Pilot's permanent record, telling other Schedulers to screw them over as much as possible with crappy overnights and non-commutable trips.  Let's take a look at some Pilot sick call excuses, and what they really mean, shall we?

EXCUSE:  I have terrible sinus congestion that has spread to my ears.
MEANING:  I'm hungover.

EXCUSE:  I have a stomach virus.
MEANING:  I'm hungover.

EXCUSE:  (while on a trip)  I think I got food poisoning.
MEANING:  The Captain (or First Officer) is an asshole and I cannot stand three more days of listening to this guy talk about his first wife, his second wife, and his 3 cats.

EXCUSE:  I slipped on the ice while going out to my car to drive to the airport.
MEANING:  I got drunk last night, tripped over the cat in the dark, and now I look like I've been in a bar fight.

EXCUSE:  I fell off the ladder while cleaning the rain gutters.
MEANING:  I got in a bar fight.

EXCUSE:  I think I have the flu.
MEANING:  I'm a 76ER Pilot.  I should be going to Paris... not Orlando at 6:00AM.  I am waaay to important to fly that trip.

EXCUSE:  I have a cold.
MEANING:  There's a Band of Brothers marathon on TV this weekend.

EXCUSE:  I caught pink eye from my child.
MEANING:  Its gonna' be 80 degrees and sunny tomorrow and I want to take the boat out.

EXCUSE:  I have an ear infection.
MEANING:  I worked 8 whole days already this month... I am exhausted... and you are abusing me by asking me to do another trip. Or, there's a Clint Eastwood marathon on SpikeTV.

So there you have it.  Don't blame me.  AngryPilotWife isn't responsible for the truth... I'm just the interpreter.