Monday, June 25, 2012


In addition to being a Physics geek (please see June 5th's post), I am a Math geek.  I love numbers and equations.  They always make sense (unlike PilotHusband).  Pi is always 3.14... blah, blah, blah.  2 plus 2 is always four.  It's kind of comforting.  So here is life with PilotHusband, by the numbers.

14... The number of times PilotHusband told the story about his awesome landing, executed on his last trip.

198, 204, 210, 215, 227, and 230... The number of passengers who complimented his landing on his last trip (please note, it increases with each re-telling of the tale).

14,520... Total flight hours.

14,519... Total flight hours flown in life threatening, high drama, conditions.

70... The average age of PilotHusband's Flight Attendants.

17... The average number of cats owned by said Flight Attendants.

19... The number of times PilotHusband tells our son that Mommy is not the maid or the waitress.

49... The number of times PilotHusband treats Mommy like the maid or the waitress.

3...   The number of hours, past bedtime, PilotHusband keeps our child awake.

62... The number of times APW reminds PilotHusband that the child must go to bed, so as not to be too tired in the morning.

17... The number of times APW reminds PilotHusband that he needs to drop off his uniforms to be dry cleaned.

17... The number of times APW takes PilotHusband's uniforms to the dry cleaner.

22... The number of years APW has been with PilotHusband.

22... The age of Carlos, the Latin Pool Boy, APW is hiring when PilotHusband makes Captain.

15... The SPF rating of the lotion, Carlos, the Pool Boy, will apply to APW.

22... The number of years APW has been with PilotHusband (it bears repeating).

13... The number of years APW would have served, if she shot PilotHusband, the first time he deserved it.

Sigh.  I love numbers!  They make perfect sense in an imperfect world.

Friday, June 15, 2012


Okay, Ladies!  Its your turn.  We had the "Are You a Pilot or a Real Pilot" quiz on this blog.  Now its time to figure out if you are just a PilotWife, or an AngryPilotWife.  Please review the following multiple choice questions.  Give yourself one point for every "A", two points for every "B", and three points for every "C".  Tally your scores at the end to see whether you earn the title of AngryPilotWife.

1.   When your PilotHusband has to leave for a trip, you....
A. Get teary-eyed, because you will miss him so much.
B. Try to figure out child care arrangements, given his absence.
C. Do a happy dance, high-five the child, and vow to "party like a rock star" while he's gone.

2.   When PilotHusband is packing his bag, you...
A. Pack his suitcase with clean white undershirts, matching socks, overnight clothes, toiletries, vitamins, and healthful snacks.
B. Hang back, knowing you've done the laundry and he can pack his own bag.
C. Pack his bag, as he demands, with mismatched black socks, undershirts that you found on the bathroom floor and sprayed with Fabreeze, and your Five-Year-Old's Transformers underpants.

3.  If PilotHusband has to fill out a Displacement Bid, or an Advanced Entitlement Bid, you...
A.  Provide him with index cards, to organize his thoughts, make him a latte, and give him peace and quiet to focus.
B.  Go shopping with the girls to stay away from the inevitable drama.
C.  Fill out the bids for him (because he's never bid a monthly schedule, vacation bid, AE, or displacement bid by himself).  But you are sure to place a bid for him that insures maximum time away from home, giving you the peace and quiet you deserve.

4.   Regarding PilotBuddies, if they call when PilotHusband is on a trip, do you....
A.  Politely take a message, and inform them when PilotHusband will return.
B.  Chat with them briefly, as you are acquainted with them.
C.  Talk to them for an hour about their sex life, financial issues, and all other psychotherapy topics, because you talk to them more than PilotHusband does.

5.   When it comes to your diet, you..
A.  Eat healthy well balanced meals and drink, only socially.
B.  Eat well balanced meals when PilotHusband is home, and enjoy take out dinners or chicken nuggets with your kids when he is gone.
C.  Consider a glass of wine as a full serving of fruit and a bloody mary as a serving of vegetables.

6.  When a decision must be made regarding your home's maintenance, repair, decor, or landscaping, you...
A.  Abide by your PilotHusband's opinion because he is so knowledgeable about such things.
B.  Ask for his input, and make the decision together.
C.  Do what you want because its not like PilotHusband notices that anything needs to be maintained, repaired, decorated, or landscaped.

7.  You thoroughly clean the house...
A. Each time PilotHusband leaves on a trip so that he has the pleasure of returning to a clean, well organized environment.
B.  As often as you are able, given your hectic schedule.
C. When the dust bunnies blowing across your floor become bigger than the dog... which is 110 pounds.

8. Regarding your Mother-in-Law, you...
A. Adore the woman and are truly considered part of the family.
B.  Find her generally tolerable.
C.  Understand where your PilotHusband gets his love of aviation; because that b!tch has been flying around on a broomstick since you met her.

9.  When you activate the "Emergency Phone Tree", you are calling to....
A. Make sure other parents are aware that school will be dismissing early due to inclement weather.
B. To share some really juicy gossip.
C. To have your girls show up with a shovel, a bag of lime, and some quick setting concrete... because you've finally had enough.

10.  You get the majority of your workouts by....
A. Going to the gym and Zumba dance classes.
B. Chasing after the children.
C. Doing all the yard work, house work, laundry, bag packing, meal cooking and burden carrying.

11. The phrase that best describes your sex life is....
A.  When ever he comes home, it's like we're on our Honeymoon all over again.
B.  We try to set aside a special date night so we can spend time together as often as our schedules allow.
C.  It's like getting your teeth cleaned... we do it twice a year.

Give yourself one point for every A, two points for every B, and three points for every C.
If you scored:

11-20 points, The StepfordPilotWife.  You are the most obnoxiously happily married Wife at the cocktail party.  Oh wait! You wouldn't be at my cocktail party because you are too busy taking ballroom dance classes with your Husband, or holding hands as you walk on the beach with your Husband, or you're too busy taking one of those "How to Make Your Own Sushi" classes with your Husband.  Bletch!  You should come with a warning label so that Diabetics don't get too close to you.  Chances are, you are not even human, but some sort of android created through a joint venture by the Disney Company and Lockheed Martin.

18-26 points,  TheOutwardlyKindWife.  You love your Husband and family and are generally kind and content... but given enough Chardonnay the claws will come out!  You go girl!

27-33 points,  TheAngryPilotWife.  You have achieved the ultimate snarky Wife status.  Good for you!  You do not wear rose colored glasses, you have lowered your expectations, and you are a powerful, independent woman!  You are the hit, nay, the entertainment, at every party you attend.  And your PilotHusband cannot live without you!

Saturday, June 9, 2012


You may think since all Pilots wear, essentially, the same uniform, it would be hard to distinguish the senior guys from the newbies.  But take a closer look...  the uniform tells the tale.

The NewHirePilot has uniform pants that are well fitting.
The SeniorPilot still wears the same size pants as when he was brand new, only now he fastens them below his gut, allowing the belly to hang comfortably over the waistband.

The NewHirePilot has pants that are in good repair.
The SeniorPilot smells vaguely like a Sharpie marker because his wife has to touch up the threadbare corners of his pocket flaps with a permanent marker before he leaves the house.  And while its awkward to stare, if you see a pilot struggling with his zipper at a urinal, he's a SeniorPilot.  The pull tab on his zipper broke of months ago.  He must now use a paperclip, ink pen, or safety pin to "MacGuyver" lowering and raising his zipper.

The NewHirePilot still sports the Styrofoam ring in his visor cap, and subsequently, looks like a dork.
The SeniorPilot has removed the ring and spent hours drinking Maker's Mark while bending and shaping his visor cap just right.  He now looks like a U-boat Captain... and he likes it that way.

The NewHirePilot has his shirts cleaned with heavy starch to make a good, crisp, impression.
The SeniorPilot has his shirts cleaned with heavy starch so he can wear the same shirt for four days because he's on his third wife, second company bankruptcy and can't afford to go to the Dry Cleaner more frequently.

The NewHirePilot boldly breaks from uniform standards to wear festive neckties for Christmas and Independence Day.
The SeniorPilot wears the same exact tie every day, all month, because its easier than keeping a log book.  He can simply recall where he's flown by the stains from the food court fare left on the tie.

The NewHirePilot has a crew case/"brain box" decorated with stickers of the aircraft he flies.
The SeniorPilot has a crew case/"brain box" decorated with Republican bumper stickers, NRA stickers, and "FU Pay Me" stickers.

The NewHirePilot has well polished Cole Hahn leather shoes.
The SeniorPilot sports cowboy boots, black sneakers, or proper dress shoes that have been re-soled 5 times.

The NewHirePilot wears his uniform to the grocery store (whether he just got off a trip, or not).
The SeniorPilot takes off his epaulets, tie, wings, and name plate so he can hit the liquor store on the way home without judgement.

They may all wear poly-wool blend jackets and pants in shades of navy, black or brown, but it all depends on the mileage!  Like Jane Goodall studying the Chimpanzees, you must immerse yourself in the species to be able to discern the subtle differences.

Tuesday, June 5, 2012


I am a physics geek.  I subscribe to Omni, Discover, and Science Weekly.  I use a highlighter when I read the articles.  I secretly crush on Dr. Michio Kaku.  I am trying to teach myself about the finer points of "string theory".  Seriously!  APW is a closeted, quark loving, string theorist, quantum physics groupie.  There.  I've said it.  Judge me, if you will.

So, obviously, in addition to regular Sunday attendance at the local Methodist church, I worship Albert Einstein.  I have read everything he has written, as well as everything written about him.  Only PilotHusband can tell you if I actually have E=mc2 tattooed on my butt.

So, lately I've been contemplating the Theory of Relativity.  Einstein was a very groovy guy.  To paraphrase, he explained Relativity as akin to how fast time passes when you kiss a beautiful girl versus, how slowly time passes when you are doing something you don't enjoy.  It got me thinking about how the concept of time is specific and relevant to the Air Line Pilot.

For example, most people would disapprove of drinking beer at 9:00 in the morning.  However, if you are a pilot, and you just got home from a red-eye flight, that is a perfectly acceptable choice for breakfast.  Relativity.

Given that the child has to be at school by 8:00 and AngryPilotWife likes to get to the office by 8:45, one might assume that bedtime is 8:30 for "Little Man" and 10:00 for APW.  Not so!  In the world of Pilot Relativity, if PilotHusband has to get up at 3:30 for a 6:00 am commuter flight, EVERYONE must be in bed by 7 o'clock.  Relativity.

The same Theory of Relativity applies to days off.  One might think, if PilotHusband has 7 days off in a row, he may be more inclined to DO SOMETHING around here, as opposed to having only 2 days off which would justify rest and relaxation (on the couch, watching the Military Channel).  But No!  The Theory of  Relativity tells us that we must divide the Pilot's days off by the perceived effort, multiplied by the number of days it takes to reiterate the last 3 day trip in excruciating detail, cubed by the trip differential, divided by the level of  difficulty, squared by the number of Flight Attendants over the age of 65, multiplied by the percentile chance of getting another trip assignment, and exponentially expanded by whether or not he liked the Captain he flew with.  Relativity.

When Steven Hawking showed up to investigate the gravitational pull of our sofa, when PilotHusband was laying on it, watching the Military Channel, pulling the Earth off its axis; we discussed this.  He was in agreement.  Time is relative when dealing with an Air Line Pilot.  Relativity.