YOU KNOW YOU'RE IN A PILOT'S HOUSE WHEN...

Air Line Pilot's have varied tastes in style and design.  You enter the home of a Pilot and find rich leather sofas and mahogany bookcases, or you may find a duct taped beanbag chair and lumber and cinder block shelves (depending on how many times he's been divorced).  Whether he enjoys Swedish Modern, Southwest, Victorian, or Rustic design, you can ALWAYS tell if you're in a Pilot's house!

You know you're in a Pilot's house when.....

1.   in every bathroom, and in the linen closet, you will only find WHITE towels.  This is not because of his affection for clean, crisp, spa-like décor.  This is because every towel in his home was taken from a hotel bathroom, or pool.  Look closely.  Some of them even have "Holiday Inn" woven into the fabric.

2.   in every bathroom, you will only find single-ply industrial toilet paper.  Air Line Pilot's do not remember that grocery stores actually have an aisle dedicated to toilet paper.  Since their first overnight, when they discovered an unmanned housekeeping cart, they have tapped into an unlimited supply of free toilet paper (and we know how much Pilots love free shit).

3.   at a Pilot's cocktail party, the only snack served is peanuts.  Normally, I'd give them a bunch of crap at this point, but it DID take them an awfully long time to open all of those little packages.

4.   if invited to a dinner party, if you look under the matching plates (which are unusually smaller than your average dinner plates), you will find the logo of their Air Line... because they all came out of First Class.

5.   even if the Pilot's taste doesn't lean toward mid-century modern, you will find Mad Men-esque, glass decanters on his bar.  This is because he fills them with those tiny liquor bottles from the airplane.

6.   in his refrigerator, you will find a variety of high end beer, brought home from his international trips; Leffe, Duval, VB, etc.  HOWEVER, hidden in the crisper drawer (that should contain fruits and vegetables), you will find the contents of an 18 pack of cheap, crappy, high-alcohol content, American beer.

And finally, you know you're in a Pilot's house when... in every single room, you will find an airplane model, a picture of an airplane, an Air Line Logo, a vintage "Pilot For Hire" tin sign, or photos of the Pilot in full uniform regalia... because he wants to be sure you truly understand his awesomeness.

DON'T BE A DICK

Well, here we are again.  Another aviation disaster involving Malaysia Airlines.  Flight 17 was shot down by a missile over Ukraine.  Before we go any further, let me say that my prayers are with the families of the passengers and crew.  This is a tragedy.

Now then.... as with every other aviation disaster, within hours of the event, "aviation experts" started to appear on local and cable news outlets, sharing their dubious analysis of the event.  I FUCKING HATE THAT!  Unless you are an NTSB investigator or you have super secret clearance with the CIA, KEEP YOUR BULLSHIT OPINIONS TO YOURSELF!!!!

Shortly after the previous Malaysia Air disaster, one particular asshole started showing up on cable news. After a Google search, I discovered this "aviation expert" taught Aviation Marketing and had 7000 in a King Air.  I mean no disrespect to King Air pilots, but I think we can all agree that this doesn't qualify you to analyze Boeing 777 international operations.

And now we have a new disaster... and a new dick.  For those of you who watch Fox News, you may have seen "DJ" volunteer his expert commentary.  Under his name, the banner read "International Commercial Airline Pilot".  After a quick Face Book search, I discovered DJ is a Spirit Airlines pilot.  In no way am I disparaging Spirit Airlines.  I have several friends who fly for that company.  However... FLYING FROM DETROIT TO TORONTO DOESN'T REALLY COUNT AS INTERNATIONAL FLIGHT!  In fact, flying from Miami to Nassau doesn't really make the grade either... so don't even go there, American Eagle pilots.

Interestingly, he's got some sort of internet business selling hypnosis sessions for those who have a fear of flying.  Do you know what makes me fearful of flying?  DICKS WHO PRESENT THEMSELVES AS EXPERTS, COMMENTING ABOUT AIRCRAFT THEY ARE NOT QUALIFIED TO OPERATE,  AND ANALYZING ROUTES THEY HAVE NEVER FLOWN!!!!!!!

15 crew members lost their lives as well as 280 passengers.  295 husbands, wives, brothers, sisters, daughters, sons, lovers and friends are gone.  This is a tragedy.  This is NOT your chance to get your 15 minutes of fame, or promote your website or side business.  Unless you are an NTSB investigator or a 777 pilot who has flown over Kiev recently.... SHUT THE FUCK UP,  YOU VULTURE!*

* NTSB agents are limited in their authorization to comment on ongoing investigations and 777 pilots... well they just know better.

WAR MOVIES

As a rule, AirLine Pilots love war movies and the American Heroes Channel (formerly known as the Military Channel).  Whether former Military, or a life long civilian, they all spend hours upon hours watching documentaries about Hitler's Henchmen or WWII movies.... over and over and OVER again.  It doesn't matter how many times you walk into the room and scream "Spoiler Alert: Allies win!  Nazis are bad!"  Still they watch.

So imagine my surprise when I walked in the house after cutting down a dozen trees, mowing an acre of grass, and weeding several planting beds, to find PilotHusband watching "The Bridges of Madison County".  Had he suddenly gone soft?  Had he found a new appreciation for chick flicks?  No.  He thought it was a World War II movie!  Like "A Bridge Too Far", "Bridge at Remagen", and "Bridge Over the River Kwai".... it had the word bridge in the title.  It starred Clint Eastwood (like "Where Eagles Dare").  It starred Meryl Streep (like "Sophie's Choice").  The poor guy kept waiting for Tiger tanks and Nazis to begin their assault.  By the time he realized it was a romance, it was too late.  He was already an hour into the film and had left the remote in the kitchen on his last beer run.

This gave me a great idea.  Hey Hollywood!  (and by Hollywood, I mean the film industry, not the former Top Gun Instructor, Mother D Pilot).  If you want to increase ticket sales to your next Romantic Comedy, try putting words like invasion, Normandy, Panzer, Blitzkrieg, assault, paratrooper, commando, and especially bridge, in the title.  Just a thought.

PILOT UNIFORM SHOES

My PilotHusband suffers from "First Officer Syndrome".  Along with a host of other symptoms, this malady causes PilotHusband to agree with whatever opinion his most recent Captain has expressed... on any topic.  (Please refer to the 7/2/12 blog for examples).  This condition is exacerbated by AngryPilotCentral (a.k.a. Airline Pilot Central). 

On the APC forums, PilotHusband is subjected to a multitude of opinions from Pilots, many of whom are senior to him.  Recently, on an APC forum, the discussion turned to uniform shoes.  A retired Mother D Pilot lauded the fit, style, and fashion of Allen Edmonds shoes.  Immediately, PilotHusband came running downstairs to tell me about these "awesome" shoes that he "just has to buy".  Really?  Really?  REALLY? 

AngryPilotWife has been to this rodeo before.  Rather than fight it, APW told PilotHusband to go online and order the damn shoes.... for $647.00.  After a week or so, the shoes arrived.  With the glee of a little girl unwrapping the glass slippers her Fairy Godmother got her, PilotHusband opened the box and tried on his new Allen Edmonds $647 Pilot shoes.  Ooooh.  They were the blackest of black.  They were shiny beyond shiny... the much sought after sheen of "parade gloss".  They were fashionable, yet classic.  They were comfortable.  AND THEY WERE 647 FUCKING DOLLARS!!!!!!

Like a child crashing after opening gifts on Christmas morning, PilotHusband eventually grew tired of marching around the house in his new shoes.  He took them off, poured himself one last scotch and went to bed, having not yet recovered from his red-eye home from South America.

At this point, AngryPilotWife took the $647 shoes, put them back in the box, taped it up, and drove to the effing post office to ship them back.  $647 for shoes that he leaves in the middle of the floor for the pit bull puppy to chew on?  $647 for shoes that he would wear walking into an airport, walking around a plane, and walking out of an airport.  I don't think so.

You know I have much love and respect for the wise and awesome retirees and super senior Captains on Airline Pilot Central.  If "Badflaps" would extol the virtues of shopping at Walmart, he would be on my Christmas cookie gift list forever.  Can you help a girl out????

 

ANGRYPILOTWIFE TRANSLATIONS

Some folks think this is a Pilot bashing site.  I prefer to think of this as an Air Line Pilot help and re-education site... a place to learn from my cautionary tales about PilotHusband.  So, in that spirit, here are few words and phrases you may hear from your wife, and what she really means.

FINE:  This is a word your wife will use to end an argument when she knows she's right... and thinks you're an asshole.  Don't be deceived... things are definitely NOT "fine".

NOTHING:  A standard response to the question "what's wrong?.  Trust me, when she says this, SOMETHING is wrong... and she's figuring out how to make you pay for it later.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.

GO AHEAD:  Do NOT be fooled.  This is not permission to so something!  This is a dare.... and if you take her up on it... woe be unto you.

WHATEVER:  While we hate to sound like a 14 year old girl, its our way of saying "screw you" without escalating the argument to that level.  Don't be fooled.  We really are saying "screw you".

THAT'S OKAY:  No.  Its really not okay.  We say this to bide our time while we figure out how and when you will pay for your screw up.

WOW:  This is NOT a compliment.  This is a statement about how incredibly STUPID we think you are... as in "WOW, how can any man be that stupid?".

I HEAR YOU:  This is our way of getting you to stop nagging us about something.  We are NOT agreeing with you; we will do what we think is best... we just don't want to listen to your input any longer.  This phrase can also be substituted with "ROGER THAT".

So, until Rosetta Stone comes out with an AngryPilotWife series, you'll just have to keep checking back for more translations.

SICK CALL EXCUSES

Most Pilots are very health-conscious, or at least they are the day before their FAA Medical exam.  And no Pilot would ever consider flying with even the slightest case of the sniffles.  That's because they have ALL flown with a guy, who had a crash pad roommate, who knew this guy, who had a cousin that went to flight school with somebody, who knew a Gate Agent, that once dated a Pilot who flew with a head cold and BURST HIS EARDRUM (insert gasps of horror here).  So, most Air Line Pilots call out sick occasionally. 

Given the slightly paranoid nature of the typical Air Line Pilot, they try to mix it up when it comes to their excuse for the sick call so as to avoid a call from the Chief Pilot's Office (insert menacing da-da-dummmm music here)... or worse, having Schedulers place secret encoded messages in the Pilot's permanent record, telling other Schedulers to screw them over as much as possible with crappy overnights and non-commutable trips.  Let's take a look at some Pilot sick call excuses, and what they really mean, shall we?

EXCUSE:  I have terrible sinus congestion that has spread to my ears.
MEANING:  I'm hungover.

EXCUSE:  I have a stomach virus.
MEANING:  I'm hungover.

EXCUSE:  (while on a trip)  I think I got food poisoning.
MEANING:  The Captain (or First Officer) is an asshole and I cannot stand three more days of listening to this guy talk about his first wife, his second wife, and his 3 cats.

EXCUSE:  I slipped on the ice while going out to my car to drive to the airport.
MEANING:  I got drunk last night, tripped over the cat in the dark, and now I look like I've been in a bar fight.

EXCUSE:  I fell off the ladder while cleaning the rain gutters.
MEANING:  I got in a bar fight.

EXCUSE:  I think I have the flu.
MEANING:  I'm a 76ER Pilot.  I should be going to Paris... not Orlando at 6:00AM.  I am waaay to important to fly that trip.

EXCUSE:  I have a cold.
MEANING:  There's a Band of Brothers marathon on TV this weekend.

EXCUSE:  I caught pink eye from my child.
MEANING:  Its gonna' be 80 degrees and sunny tomorrow and I want to take the boat out.

EXCUSE:  I have an ear infection.
MEANING:  I worked 8 whole days already this month... I am exhausted... and you are abusing me by asking me to do another trip. Or, there's a Clint Eastwood marathon on SpikeTV.

So there you have it.  Don't blame me.  AngryPilotWife isn't responsible for the truth... I'm just the interpreter.