ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?????

So... PilotHusband has been home for several days now.  Yes, he's technically on long call duty, but it hasn't prevented him from lying on the couch, to watch the Military Channel.  After several days of this, Mother D scheduling finally called tonight.  I answered the phone, ebullient at the prospect of PilotHusband FINALLY getting a trip.  I skipped, no... I sashayed... nay, I floated, to bring PilotHusband the phone knowing that he was finally going to be assigned a trip.  But NOOOOOOO! Mother D Scheduling saw fit to put PlotHusband on "rest".  Evidently, laying on the couch, watching the Military Channel is very tiring.  ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME?!?

Change of topic.  With inspiration from "Nerd" at APC, I have decided to start a TOOL OF THE YEAR CONTEST.  That's right!  This is your chance to vent about every IdiotPilot you've flown with.  Like the guy who likes to make 20 minute PA announcements at 2:00 a.m. on a red-eye flight outlining his resume.  Or the guy who dons driving gloves to handle the MadDog.  We've all suffered through them.  So here's your opportunity to vent.  Simply click on my profile, then click on "email".. Or simply go to MBRenfest@gmail.com  Send me a brief (or highly detailed) description of the PILOT TOOL you were forced to endure.  Names will be changed to protect the guilty. Duplicate stories will be given credit to the first submission.  All entries will be incorporated into a post about "What Kind Of Tool Are You?"  The TOP FIVE will be placed in a poll for viewers to vote on.  The winning submission will win a APW t-shirt and a gift card to Outback Steakhouse.  So start unleashing your rage... I can take it!  Have at it!  We'll keep collecting your offerings until May 15, 2012.  So let the Pilot Bashing begin!

YOU CAN JUDGE A BOOK BY IT'S COVER

You can tell a lot about a person by how they dress... unfortunately, with Air Line Pilots, everybody is sporting similar uniforms.  Even on overnights, they all look alike; jeans or khaki shorts, golf shirt, white sneakers.  So, if you want to get a real feel for a Pilot's personality, you have to follow him to the employee parking lot and see what he drives.  You can tell a lot about a man by the vehicle he chooses.  Here's a brief list of vehicles, and what it means if your Pilot is driving one of them.

The Truck.  If a Pilot drives a truck, he's a man's man.  Chances are, he likes to fish, hunt, ski, set stuff on fire, and go boating.  He can haul firewood, lumber, mulch, and help you move.  He may even be that rare breed of Pilot that is actually handy.  He strips off his uniform in the parking lot, and is not afraid to relieve himself, partially hidden from view by his open door in the parking lot.  Chances are he's got The Allman Brothers or Toby Keith in the CD player.  He drinks imported beer, Jim Beam, and Johnnie Walker.  Flight Attendants are drawn to the truck driving Pilot.  He gets along with just about everyone and is a pleasure to fly with.

The Classic Muscle Car.  If a Pilot drives a fully restored American classic (Shelby Mustang, Camaro, GTO, etc) be advised... he cares more about his car than ANYTHING else on the planet.  He has a picture of his car in his wallet.  He parks in the center of four spaces in the Employee Lot.  While heterosexual, his greatest love affair is with his car.  He walks with a swagger, hits on Flight Attendants, and is a player.  He listens to classic rock like Led Zeppelin and AC/DC.  He drinks Budweiser and is no stranger to tequila shots.  Flight Attendants call him "Rico Suave" behind his back.  While slightly obnoxious, this particular breed of Pilot is tolerable and affable.

The SUV.  Oh, where to begin?  If a Pilot drives an SUV, he wants to appear rugged and manly, but can't quite pull it off.  Yes, his vehicle may have 4 wheel drive and a towing hitch, but the SUV driving Pilot doesn't actually tow anything, or go off road.  No, the SUV driver is more interested in his sunroof, heated leather seats and XM satellite radio. He thinks listening to Nirvana, Pearl Jam, and the Smashing Pumpkins means he's still cool.  He drinks domestic beer and strong vodka drinks.  Flight Attendants feel perfectly comfortable letting SUV Pilot check their rooms and accompany them to dinner.  He is pleasant and friendly to all, and can pretend to be macho and useful for brief periods of time, but he'll never help you fix anything, haul anything, or move.

The Luxury Car.  Even without the epaulets, blazer, and hat, if you see a Pilot getting into a 4 door luxury car, you know he's a Captain... and a senior one.  That Mercedes, Lexus, or BMW sedan in the parking lot does NOT belong to a Mad Dog First Officer.  The luxury car driving Pilot is cool and aloof.  He is happily married to his second wife who gets gifts of plastic surgery for all major holidays.  He only listens to talk radio and he only drinks single malt Scotch.  The Flight Attendants are respectful, but intimidated by him.  He can behave however he likes because he is so senior, everybody kisses his a$$.

The Sports Car.  If you see a Pilot getting into a Corvette, Porche Boxster, or (God Forbid) a Miata, you are looking at a first class tool.  Chances are, the sports car driving Pilot just made Captain. He's a little prissy and way too dapper for a straight guy.  He listens to dance music or techno.  He has an extensive knowledge of wine and can usually be found with a glass of Chardonnay in his hand.  Flight Attendants love him (because they think he's gay).  While pleasant enough, there's just something about him that's gonna' piss you off.

The Airport Car.  You've seen them before.  The Pilot that climbs into a Ford Pinto, VW Golf, or 1980s Toyota.  He may be a Commuter who needed an economical vehicle to get back and forth from his crash pad, or he lives a significant distance from base and needed a low mileage, low overhead vehicle for his commute.  Be nice to him, as the world has not.  He wants you to think that this is the car he uses just for driving to the airport.  It is not.  It is his actual everyday vehicle.  He's paying for 2 kids in college, lost his Captain's seat, been through one furlough and 2 bankruptcies and he can't take much more.  He listens to Boston because it reminds him of High School and drinks Bud Lite.  Flight Attendants are nice to him because they are afraid he will burst into tears at any moment.  He'll never buy a round, and usually slam/clicks.  He's a nice enough guy when he's not bumming you out with his constant bitching and moaning. 

Hey!  Don't shoot the messenger!  I don't make the rules... I just live by them.

Airline Pilot Central

Hi boys and girls.  I'm not really posting.  I just wanted to give a shout out to my boys at Airline Pilot Central's Delta thread.  AMEN Brothers!  You identified and outed the Mole!  Padre2992 is a PLANT!!!! Thank you for calling him out.  He's definately either a corporate plant, or a DALPA tool, put in place to lower your expectations regarding contract negotiations. 

Don't let anyone try to insult you by calling you conspiracy theorists.  I for one, have seen the black helicopters, believe in my heart there was a second gunman on the grassy knoll, own a tin foil hat, and know for a fact that Catcher in the Rye holds secret messages.  Be that as it may, God bless you!

Here's a list of my personal heroes, in no particular order.....
HoserPilot
Scambo1 (LOVE the Perry the Platypus avitar)
Buzzpat (I love fluff pilots)
80 KTS...
Elvis90
Bill Lumberg
FTB
TheManager
Wasatch
Carl Spackler
EnemyoftheState
tsquare
ExpressPilot
and even Capncrunch.

Padre2992 is more dangerous that that idiot pork product dude!  Stay strong, fight the good fight, and hold your head high!  You are all exceptional men.  You DESERVE to be compensated for your knowledge, experience, professionalism, and skill.  You hold the keys to the kingdom... Air Lines CANNOT exist without pilots.  Power to the Pilots!!!!

Oh yeah... I almost forgot Ferd (sorry Brother).

APRIL FOOL'S DAY

* For international readers of this blog (APW has readers in 77 countries), April Fool's Day is the first day of April.  It is a day when pranks and tricks are welcomed and encouraged.

I LOVE April Fool's Day.  Come on!  It's a day when I am allowed... nay, encouraged, to punk PilotHusband.  It's like my Christmas.  It is the BEST holiday out of the year.  I count down the days like a child waiting for Santa Claus.  It is the BEST HOLIDAY EVER!!!

In previous years, I have carried out some good pranks.  I switched out his house key for a different one, and left suitcases and trash bags on the porch to make him think I've finally had it and locked him out after packing up all of his stuff.  I've re-arranged all of the furniture and unscrewed all of the lightbulbs so when he comes home late at night, he falls over something in the dark.  I've coached a friend on how to sound like Crew Scheduling and had her call him for a trip, letting him get all the way to the airport before I confessed.  Good times.  But this year... I outdid myself.

PilotHusband takes off his shoes before he enters the house.  That's a good thing.  PilotHusband leaves said shoes, right in the threshold of the doorway.  That's a bad thing.  I have been complaining about tripping over his shoes for years.  Hence the inspiration for this year's prank.  Here's a "How To" in case you want to try this one next April Fool's Day.

Step One..... Be sure your PilotHusband has a trip over April Fool's Day.  Call his cell phone repeatedly when you know he is in the air and his phone is turned off.  Do not leave a message.

Step Two..... Do not answer the phone when he calls you back after landing.  Keep this up for as long as you can.

Step Three... Make a fake arm cast.  Take a white sock and cut off the toe end.  Make a slit 1 inch down from the cut end that is about 1 inch long.  Take a paper tube from a roll of paper towels and wrap it with newspaper, aluminum foil or plastic bags to increase the diameter to approximate your forearm.  Slide the sock over the tube and apply a strip of masking tape the length of the sock.  Cover the entire sock in white glue, Gesso, or decoupage paste.  Allow to dry.  Remove the strip of tape (this leaves an area free of glue so the sock cast will expand to slide onto your arm.  Have friends autograph it for you.

Step Four.... Just before your PilotHusband arrives home, put on the cast.  Lay on the sofa with your "broken arm" propped up with pillows.  Put on Lifetime Television for Women (the polar opposite of the Military Channel).

Step Five.... Have your child greet Daddy at the door.  Coach your child to say, "Daddy!  We told you not to leave your shoes in the doorway! Now Mommy has a bad boo-boo".

Step Six..... Let your PilotHusband find you wearing the cast.  Try to comfort him, that it really wasn't his fault that you broke your arm when you tripped on his shoes.

Step Seven.. Spend the next two days being utterly helpless.  Make him get up early to get the child ready for school, do the grocery shopping, walk the dog, change the kitty litter, take out the trash, cook dinner, and do the laundry (without dying everything pink).  Give yourself a mini-vacation.  Make him watch a marathon of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills with you.  Make him watch every episode of Glee that you recorded.  Finally, make him cover your "cast" with a plastic bag and help you bathe.  Make him wash your hair and shave your legs.

Step Eight... On day three, remove the cast and carry on your normal activities.  When he looks confused just say "April Fool's!".  Then run.  Seriously.  Plan on staying with a friend until he leaves for another trip.  This may be slightly inconvenient, but sooooo worth it to watch him sift the cat's litter box!

Hope your April Fool's Day was full of fun and mayhem!  Me?  I'm still hiding out at a friend's house!