Friday, September 14, 2012


Have ya'll seen FATAL ATTRACTION?  You know, that movie with Glenn Close who has the affair with Michael Douglas, and then goes nuts and boils the family's pet bunny on the stove and tries to kill Anne Archer, his wife?  (It should be mandatory viewing for anyone with a penis... I'm just sayin').  You may think this is a great work of fiction by some Hollywood screenwriter, but psycho-chicks do exist.  I mean they REALLY exist... not like Bigfoot, the Loch Ness Monster, the second gunman on the grassy knoll, secret messages in The Catcher in the Rye, or UFOs.  I mean they REALLY REALLY exist.  This is not some urban legend crafted by wives to keep their husbands in line.

By now you know AngryPilotWife is all-knowing.  If you think I get pissy with my PilotHusband, you should read the private emails I get from other PilotWives out there.  This is not gossip.  It is presented as a cautionary tale, because you know I love all my pilot readers out there, and I would hate for you to come home and find Fluffy simmering on the stove.  Sooo...

There is a fairly senior Flight Attendant, at a Legacy carrier, who (allegedly) will get you liquored up on an overnight, drag you back to her room, and (allegedly) screw you silly.  Now one may think, "What happens in Amsterdam, stays in Amsterdam", however, this crazy b!tch (allegedly) demands your cell phone number and your schedule so she can non-rev to your next overnight to continue the "relationship".  If you try to decline, she (allegedly) will threaten to contact your wife.  Even if you comply, eventually, she will feel like she is not getting enough attention, and (allegedly) call you at home and contact your wife, anyway.

No matter how you try to appease this Amazonian psycho-stew, she will (allegedly) bust you.  Then you will end up being dragged to the doctor's office, by your wife, to be tested for "everything"... which requires having a swab shoved two inches up your weenie (Oh yes!  I went there! Cringe away!).  If the Doctor is sympathetic to your spouse, he or she will "accidentally" drop the swab on the floor, forcing you to endure this medieval torture a second time.  And after months of embarrassing couples therapy, you will still end up living in a van, down by the river.

I am not naive.  I know that couples can grow apart.  People fall out of love.  Relationships end.  That's unfortunate, but it happens.  Just beware of having that decision made for you.  Amazonian, senior, married Flight Attendants, from North Carolina, who bed you on overnights, may (allegedly) go all Fatal Attraction on you and totally screw up your universe.  And if you smell rabbit stew... RUN, BROTHER, RUN!!!!!!!!


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