JABBA THE HUT

Okay... brace yourselves.  This one is kinda' mean. (As if soooo many other posts weren't).  PilotHusband quit smoking 2 years ago.  Good for him!  I am very proud and pleased that he made a healthy choice to insure he would be around for many years to come.  But in lieu of cigarettes, he has substituted food as his drug of choice.  And now he is.... well.... sort of.... kinda'... well...  FAT.

So, PilotHusband is so fat...

He tried to rock himself out of bed, and ended up rocking himself back to sleep.

When he says he flies a wide body... he's not talking about the aircraft.

When we go to the beach, Green Peace shows up and shoves him in the water, trying to save his life.

Golden Corral installed speed bumps to try to slow him down.

He chased down a school bus full of white kids, screaming "Stop that Twinkie!".

When he turns around, people throw him a "Welcome Back" Party.

He beeps when he walks backwards.

Because he is in the right seat, Gate Agents have to fill the left side of the aircraft to avoid weight and balance issues.

He doesn't have belly button lint... he has SWEATERS.

Bless his heart, he tries.  But, I think I need to start hiding the ice cream... and the chips.... and the pasta... and the candy.

EQUAL TIME POINT (I'M BACK!)

Thank you to all of my readers who have e-mailed and posted messages concerned with my prolonged absence.  So sorry to leave you hanging.  APW has been dealing with a bit of a health crisis since the end of March that has not left much time for blogging.  But this is not the place for medical drama; this IS the place for snarky, funny, mean-spirited PilotHusband bashing!  So lets get back to what I do best... well, second best... I'll leave THAT to the imagination ; ) 

Soooo.... Equal Time Point.  For those of you unfamiliar with the term, ETP is a calculation used when flying over the "Frozen North Atlantic".  No really.  It doesn't matter what time of year it is, Atlantic currents, or global warming.  According to PilotHusband, every time he flies to Europe, he must brave the "Frozen North Atlantic" (insert your own ominous music here). To make it simple, ETP is the halfway point of your journey.  If you are flying from Paris to NYC, for example, you have calculated your Equal Time Point.  If you have an emergency BEFORE the Equal Time Point, you turn around and head back to where you came from, and start over with a new, or repaired aircraft.  If you have an emergency AFTER the Equal Time Point, there is no turning back.  You continue to your intended destination.

Much is the same with marriage.  I don't mean to shatter your illusions of romance, but seriously?!  On PilotHusband's best day, he brings me a bottle of perfume, or box of chocolates, from Duty Free, and spends the next three days telling me how much money he saved.  On an average day, he brings me a plate or bowl that he "liberated" from hotel room service.  On his worst day, I get nothing but a lecture about how hard his last trip was, as he retires to the sofa for four days of Military Channel watching.  When you are married to a PilotHusband, you must alter your definition of romance.

Therefore, I considered it incredibly romantic when PilotHusband took the time to calculate our ETP.  PilotHusband took the number of years that we have been together, and divided it by my age.  It turns out that I have been with PilotHusband for 51.11% of my life.  Therefore (according to PilotHusband) I have no choice but to continue on this path.  There is no turning back.  There is no acquisition of a new airplane.  I have no choice but to make it work with a one engine flame out, maintenance placarded inop stickers, and questionable landing gear. 


Perhaps we could have done this mathematical exercise when I was at 49%?