Saturday, June 8, 2013


In Mr. Ruggerio's 6th grade class, we had to write an essay about what we wanted to be when we grew up, and why.  These were read at an assembly in front of our parents and all the faculty.  I distinctly recall sitting through (what seemed like hours) of "I want to be a Veterinarian because I love dogs" and "I want to be a Baseball Player because it would be cool".  When it was my turn, I read my essay, entitled "I Want to be a Benevolent Despot... because my way is better".  Charming, right?  I guess some dreams die hard, because I still maintain a list of rules that will be enforced when APW rules the world.  Some may seem harsh, but trust me, we'd all be better off.

1.     Twinkies, Little Debbie Snack Cakes, Big Gulp Slushies, Taco Bell drive thru food (after 10:00pm) and gas station nachos may only be consumed by Stoners.  If you are not sporting a Baja hoodie, tie-dyed shirt, or Birkenstock sandals, just walk away.

2.     All Pilots, upon marriage, shall submit to wearing a device similar to a dog's shock collar.  Said Pilots will agree to receive a corrective shock after the fifteenth time they mention their Air Line, their aircraft, how awesome their last landing was, or what a pain the Captain (or F/O) was on their last trip, within a 24 hour period.

3.     All participants of any "reality" show involving children's pageants, Bachelors, Bachelorettes, Housewives, top models, ballroom dancing,  or Bridezillas will be flogged publicly.

4.     All satellite and cable providers would be required to provide a Zombie Channel... all zombies, all the time.  How cool is that?

5.     Realtors would be banned from displaying business cards, advertisements, or for sale signs displaying their Glamor Shots photo.  (Okay, that's not really a big deal-- but it annoys me).  I know these bitches, and they don't really look like that.

6.     Perry the Platypus for President.  Enough said.

7.     All Military Channel programming will become pay-per-view.  Given that all Pilots are cheap, this will force them to decide if watching "The Battle of the Bulge"  for the 57th time is really worth $5.99.  I'm betting they say no, and let someone else have the remote.

8.     Any family seen in public with their heads buried in a tablet or smart phone instead of talking to each other will have their devices confiscated and be immediately shipped off to the nearest Chucky Cheese for some family interaction.

9.     Under no circumstances, will In-Laws be permitted to live in your home.  If you want a multi-generational experience, move to China.  This is America, and we have a Constitutional right to hate our In-Laws (okay, it's not Constitutional, but it should be).

10.    Anyone who tells a child that Santa, the Easter Bunny, or the Tooth Fairy doesn't exist, will be executed... and their family will be charged for the bullet.

11.    The Department of Agriculture will recognize wine as a serving of fruit and acknowledge cheese as a major food group.

Its only 11 items, but I assure you, if we could implement these mandates, the world would be a better place ;D

1 comment: