DOGS VS. PILOTS

I got a call last night from a fellow AngryPilotWife.  After 30 minutes of marital complaints, she announced, "All Pilots are dogs!".  Given that I really like dogs, I wasn't sure that was a fair assessment.  It got me thinking... are Pilots and dogs really that similar?  If not, how are they different?

When it comes to greetings, Pilots and dogs are very similar.  Both have their rituals to get a sense of the other person... or canine.  For dogs, this starts with smelling each others' butts.  Then whichever one growls first, is the Alpha.  For Pilots it starts with, "Who do you fly for?" and dominance is established by one's answer to the question, "What equipment are you on?".  However, it would probably be less socially awkward if Pilots just smelled each other and growled if they flew a wide-body.

Dogs are, inherently social creatures; longing to be part of a pack.  In her youth, we took our Rottweiler / German Shepherd mix to the local dog park to run with her posse of dog buddies.  Now, she naps on the front porch, waiting for neighbors to walk by with their canines, who inevitably stop by for a while to frolic.  Pilots aren't much different.  They to, are very social creatures.  However they fulfill this need by spending hours reading and posting on Airline Pilot Central forums.

As a rule, dogs are loyal.  Pilots... well... some are.   Dogs are ALWAYS happy to see you.  They bark as soon as they hear you pull in the driveway.  They wait at the door for you to enter.  They jump.  They wag their tails.  They are soooooo happy you are home!  On the other hand, Pilots will ignore you when you walk in the house; especially if you are carrying in groceries or there's something good on the Military Channel or Fox News.  Big effing difference!

Here's another similarity.... Dogs love to play fetch.  Our dog, Ava Garner, will drop a stick at my feet, over and over again, just for the chance to retrieve it.  Pilots love to play fetch too.  However for Pilots, the game is more like "Fetch me a beer" or "Fetch me a sandwich" and they never give it back.... until its empty.

Another difference; dogs have NO concept of time.  If I go in the bathroom, and shut the door, when I emerge, the dog greets me as if I just returned from 2 tours in Afghanistan.  PilotHusbands are acutely aware of time.  This is especially true if they have to get up early for a trip.  If PilotHusband has to catch the 6:00 flight into base, he starts announcing how much time is left before he must rise, about 24 hours ahead of time.  Like some Doomsday clock counting down, you are CONSTANTLY reminded of PilotHusband's concept of time.

Finally, there is a HUGE difference in the way doggie transgressions, and Pilot transgressions, are dealt with. Depending on your Homeowner's Insurance and your neighbors' tolerance, dogs only get two chances to screw up before they are carted off by the big evil Animal Control truck.  Hell... Ol' Yeller only got to get cranky one time, before they put a bullet in him.  If I shot PilotHusband every time he got sideways, I would have run out of ammo a long time ago.  When it comes to dog's; there's a "two strikes-- you're out" rule.  PilotHusbands seem to have more lives than cats... but that's a whole different blogpost.



 

 

APW and Trooper: our "rescue" Pitbull

PILOTS ARE CHEAP... MINE IS THE CHEAPEST

As an AngryPilotWife who has had to use single-ply toilet paper thieved from PilotHusband's last overnight, and whatever crap shampoo comes out of those teeny tiny bottles for the better part of twenty years, I understand that, as a species, Pilots are cheap.  But mine takes it to a whole new level.

Over the years, I have seen him save the good liquor bottles that he brought home from the duty free shop, and refill them with bottom shelf rotgut.  I have seen him line the front of the refrigerator with bottles of Leffe, only to fill the rest of the rows in with Budweiser.  And yes, I have watched him open 127 little bags of peanuts to fill a serving bowl for a cocktail party I was hosting. 

As if that were not bad enough, a few months ago he achieved a new low.  After weeks of demanding that he take me out for a nice dinner, he finally relented.  We drove to Outback Steakhouse.  But when we got to the parking lot, he told me to wait in the car.  I did, thinking he was running ahead to put our name on the waiting list.  Sadly, no.  That was not the case.  A few minutes later he emerged with two plastic bags containing plastic cutlery and Styrofoam boxes.  Oh he got his Shrimp on the Barbie, I got my Petite Sirloin, and we even got a Bloomin' Onion to share.  PilotHusband figured out that if we got the same food that we would have ordered in the restaurant, but ordered it to go, he would save 15% on a tip!  THEN he pulled out a small cooler from the backseat and produced beverages, saving us even more money.  He tried to say he was being romantic... like taking me to a drive-in movie... only without the movie.  Yeah right.

But just when I thought he couldn't get any cheaper.... he has outdone himself yet again.  Lately, PilotHusband has had a lot of LAX overnights.  When he returns home, he always brings a copy of the LA Times back with him (that he got for free at the hotel).  This seemed strange to me.  He's more of a Wall Street Journal kind of guy.  One day I noticed he had thrown the LA Times in the trash.  I pulled it out, thinking I could use it to line the bottom of the Guinea Pig cage (because when you think about it, that's all the LA Times is really good for).  That's when I noticed that there were several neatly cut rectangular holes in the paper.  PilotHusband had been regularly cutting something out.  But what could it be?

[Before I continue.... let's have a little lesson in cultural differences, shall we?  Here in rural North Carolina, when someone passes away, after a day or two, we have a church service followed by a reception in either the church fellowship hall, or the family home.  Everyone brings a covered dish and talks about how wonderful the deceased was.  Then we stick them in the ground between the church and the softball field.  Done.  In Hollywood / Los Angeles, popularity is just as important in death as it is in life.  Often, memorial services are delayed for weeks to secure a big enough venue, or allow people to fit it into their schedules, to allow for the maximum amount of mourners.]

So... PilotHusband has been cutting out, and saving OBITUARIES!  Why?  My cheap-ass Hubby is keeping a catalogue of memorial services so that if he gets another long LAX overnight in the next few weeks he can show up for the free food and drinks.  He thinks that as long as he wears his hat (and he always wears his hat) and shows up looking like a "Double-Breasted Van Admiral" that he will be welcomed with open arms and pointed to the buffet.  I shit you not.

If you can beat this, my fellow AngryPilotWives, please e-mail me and let me know.  As for now, I have the pleasure of being married to the cheapest Pilot of them all.  I'm so proud.





UNIVERSAL TRUTHS

I don't make the rules.... I just live by them.  While I am a firm believer in shades of grey (and I'm talking about ambiguity... NOT the "Mommy porn" books), I recognize that there are certain black and white, finite, truisms in the Universe.

1.     When your Best Drinking Buddy stops returning your calls, chances are he's newly released from rehab, and in accordance with "Step 4", he's not allowed to play with you any more.  Bummer.

2.     No matter how clear and beautiful the weather is, and regardless of the time of year, if your PilotHusband flies to Europe, he will return with a harrowing tale of "flying over the FROZEN NORTH ATLANTIC".  Just roll with it, Ladies.

3.     When a previously "normal" PilotBuddy starts posting Bible quotes on his FaceBook page, it means he just got busted cheating on his wife, is going through a nasty divorce, and is trying to improve his image for the upcoming litigation.

4.     If an AngryPilotWife types "you" into the address bar on the computer, it will auto fill "YouPorn" instead of "YouTube".  Its not your PilotHusband's fault.  That's just how the alphabet works.

5.     Pilots don't listen (unless you're talking over a radio... from the control tower).  No matter how many times you tell your husband that the recent heavy rains are driving venomous copperhead snakes into the open, and regardless of how many times he has watched you hack one of these poisonous snakes to death in the back yard with a shovel (through the window, as he lays on the couch, watching the Military Channel), he will inevitably come home and announce that he heard on the radio that all the heavy rain will be driving Copperheads into the yard.  REALLY?!

6.     Pilots are good at long term goals.  They SUCK at short term goals.  This is why your PilotHusband will insure money for your child's education, and ample resources for retirement, but you CANNOT put him in charge of planning your child's birthday party or any other occasion.  If PilotHusband were in charge of Christmas, we'd have to convert to Judaism;  then at least he'd have 8 days to get it right.

7.     In the Zombie Apocalypse, you're better off picking Ving Rhames than Brad Pitt, for your team.  I'm just saying.

8.     PilotHusbands have no short term memory.  When he announces that we have enough pets and we shouldn't adopt any more creatures, just wait until he leaves for a trip.  Then you can adopt a Guinea Pig from PetSmart, and take in 4 fuzzy little chicks (that need to be incubated in a fish tank in your formal dining room).  He won't remember his mandate when he gets home.  Oh, he'll still be pissed about the zoo that you are collecting, however he won't be pissed that you defied his dictate... because he won't remember it.

9.     Happy Places are important.  When your PilotHusband starts telling the tale about how he greased on his last landing (for the 47th time), pretend to be interested and just go to your happy place.  Mine usually involves George Clooney and a bottle of Spicy Italian Salad Dressing... but that part is entirely up to you.

The Universe has been around for a very long time.  Do not fight the Universe.  Accept the finite, and revel in the infinite.  Learn to accept what IS, and explore what COULD BE.  Sorry to get all Yoda on you, but that's how I see it.

PILOT RELATIONSHIP SEMINARS

Boys... pour yourselves a glass of Johnnie Walker Blue Label, and keep the bottle handy.  Ladies... get out a glass and keep the box of wine close by.  The good news is, I am going to save you $347.00 (plus shipping and handling).  The bad news; we might be here a while.

It has come to my attention that there are seminars you can attend, and a 6 hour (ugh!) dvd course available for purchase; all about improving Pilot/Spouse relationships.  To the best of my understanding, the theory is, the qualities that make someone a good Pilot are in direct conflict with the personality characteristics that make someone a good spouse.  Okay.  I get it.  Just do an Internet search of "Pilot personality traits" and you will get a bevy of profession articles on the topic.  Even the "great and powerful" ALPA has acknowledged this.  But the secondary point doesn't ring true for me.  The theory (again, to the best of MY understanding) goes on to say that Pilots are not born; they are trained.  If we can train someone to embrace the qualities that make a good Pilot, we can train them to exhibit qualities that make a good partner.  REALLY?

If the theory were valid, here's what would happen.  At the end of 6 mind-numbing hours of dvd lectures, we would have PilotHusbands who rubbed our feet, changed diapers, fixed things around the house, talked about their feelings, and ACTUALLY cared about what happened at our last book club meeting.  HOWEVER, after removing the "Pilotness" from our PilotHusbands, we'd have planes falling out of the skies.  Face it.  That which drives us crazy in the marriage, keeps everybody (including our PilotHusbands) SAFE.  So.... save $347 and Cowgirl Up!

Reality check, my Sisters.... you CHOSE to marry a Pilot.  Or, you chose that really cute boy in college who said he wanted to go to Law School until he took his first flight lesson and then you had to drop out of Grad school to help pay for his flight training... (Oooops. Sorry. That's me).  Anyway, I'm just suggesting that we knew what we were getting into.  Do NOT change him!  The things that drive you crazy are the very things that make him good at his job.  Instead, learn to adapt and cope.

Let's take a moment to address some of the Pilot personality traits.  Pilots are self-sufficient.  Being married to a Pilot is like owning a cat.  They do their own thing... until they are done doing their own thing... and then they want to snuggle aggressively, regardless of your schedule.  If you own a cat, or a Pilot, you have to let it do its own thing, and appreciate it when its ready to be loved on.  If you can accept that from a cat (who doesn't help pay the mortgage), why can't you tolerate it from a Pilot?


According to the research, Pilots have difficulty trusting anyone to do a task as well as they can.  This is why your Pilothusband leaves you alone for days at a time with your child, and leaves you to deal with the diaper rash, colic, and strep throat, but comes home and tries to micro-manage your every move.  When he starts to lecture you about child care, do NOT engage him in a long conversation (especially if it involves "feelings"-- that's a Pilot's Kryptonite).  Instead, just say "Roger that".  This is the most useful, beautiful, awesome phrase on the planet.  It neither admits wrong-doing on your part, nor superiority on his; it simply lets him know you heard him... and he will let it go.

Generally speaking, Pilot's are unemotional.  This makes them good at dealing with an emergency.  They analyze the data, and choose to act accordingly.  However, this makes them cold and insensitive in personal relationships.  Hello?  That's why we have girlfriends!  Feeling unappreciated?  Fat?  Overwhelmed?  Lonely?  DO NOT DISCUSS THIS WITH YOUR PILOTHUSBAND!  Get a sitter and meet the girls out for cocktails.  Can't find a sitter?  E-mail me at MBRenfest@gmail.com to get it off your chest.  But under NO circumstances are you to discuss sad/uncomfortable/discontented feelings with a PilotHusband.  No good can come from that.  You are simply setting yourself up for failure.

It is widely acknowledged that Pilots prefer to modify their environment, than change their behavior.  This is why they are willing to change bases to stay on the same equipment.  Keep this in mind before you drag them to a dinner party or a Parent Advisory Council Meeting at your child's school.  Your PilotHusband is who he is.  He will not change.  Think twice before you subject him to an environment he doesn't like.

The personality characteristics list is extensive, but I don't want to turn this into a boring 6 hour dvd  lecture series.    All I'm saying is there are a lot of qualities that any sane woman would find maddening.  But there are a lot of good ones, as well.  Separate the wheat from the chaff.  Love that which is admirable, and deal with the other stuff.  You are a PilotWife.  You are part of a sisterhood.  Rely on your sisters.  Do not expect that from your PilotHusband that he is unable to give.

Please check back to this site for my upcoming dvd series:  You Married a Pilot... Suck It Up.  Available soon for only $299.00!
 

REDNECKS VS. PILOTS

Hello.  My name is AngryPilotWife... and I am a Redneck.  There is no support or recovery group for this because there ain't one damn thing wrong with being a Redneck!  Let's get our terminology straight.  With no disrespect to Jeff Foxworthy, being a Redneck doesn't mean you live in a single-wide trailer with the first cousin you married.  Being a Redneck means you love your country, love your family, love your community, work hard, play hard, know everyone in church by name, and you are friends with at least 4 men over the age of 75, regardless of your age.

PilotHusband, although born and raised in the South, is definitely NOT a Redneck.  It got me thinking about the similarities and differences between Rednecks and Air Line Pilots.  Here's what I came up with....

Similarity: Air Line Pilots and Rednecks both have a favorite hat.  For Pilots, its the uniform hat they worked for years to get.  They spend hours, at home, drinking Scotch, watching the Military Channel, bending the hat, until they achieve the perfect look.  And sadly, for most Pilots, they end up looking like U-Boat Captains.  Rednecks love their hats too.  For us, its a ball cap that is faded from hours in the sun, stained with sweat, and (if broken in correctly) slightly frayed at the brim.  Pilot hats are useful, as they convey professionalism, authority, and rank.  Redneck hats are useful, as they keep the sun out of your eyes, the sweat from rolling down your face, and can be used to swat at horse flies or hornets when working outside.

Difference:  This one is a bit tricky.  While both Air Line Pilots and Rednecks may drive a pickup truck, only Rednecks actually USE their truck.  Pilots may drive a truck, but they don't actually use it for anything.  A redneck uses his (or her) truck to tow a bass boat, haul in a load of hay, deliver firewood, or illuminate a kick-ass party in the middle of a field.  If a Pilot's truck gets dirty, he heads off to the nearest car wash.  If a Redneck's truck gets dirty, it fills us with a sense of pride because it shows everyone that we either had the most fun or worked the hardest.

Similarity:  Pilots and Rednecks tend to be Republicans and hard core Constitutionalists.  Pilots believe in the Right to Free Speech.  Rednecks practice it frequently, saying exactly what is on their mind.  We just preface it with "I mean no disrespect, but..." or "Bless your heart...".  Pilots believe in the Right to Bare Arms.  Rednecks do it frequently.  We hunt and eat what we kill  We have target practice.  However it involves empty beer cans in a field instead of some fancy range with a cigar lounge.  If you show up at the end of our dirt driveway, we'll rack a Winchester Defender, just before we greet you warmly, just to be on the safe side.

Difference:  Pilots hire, Rednecks do.  An Air Line Pilot looks at the pine tree that fell in his yard during the last storm and calls someone to remove it.  A Redneck chunks up the pine tree that fell in his yard and hauls it off to the field for an awesome bonfire party.

Difference:  Anthems.  The standard Pilot anthem, whether they admit it or not, is Kenny Loggins singing "Danger Zone" from the movie Top Gun.  For us Rednecks; we gravitate towards Garth Brooks' "I Got Friends in Low Places" or Toby Keith singing "Red Solo Cup".

All in all, if we could get Pilots to go mudding instead of flying, shoot some soda pop cans instead of going to the FFDO requal range, and use their hands for something other than... well... that thing they do while watching You.Porn, this might be the start of a beautiful friendship!

 

EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING

Lionel Ritchie sang "Easy Like Sunday Morning". I didn't know he was a pilot.  Lionel must be, because when PilotHusband is home, Sunday mornings are super easy for him.... not so much for AngryPilotWife.  Here's the timeline for the past Sunday.  Decide for yourself.  Oh and please excuse the Zulu Time... that's how we roll.

1000Z (6:00AM)  AngryPilotWife wakes up... because that's what time APW wakes up every day.  PilotHusband is wrapped in all the covers like some mutant caterpillar and snoring like a bulldozer with a misfiring engine.

1100Z (7:00AM)  APW finishes sucking down 2 Monster energy drinks and watching the local morning news.  PilotHusband shuffles past, naked, and gets a glass of water from the kitchen.  He announces. "We are NOT going to church this morning" and he goes back to bed.

1300Z (9:00AM)  After feeding the chickens, changing the hay in their nesting box, feeding the toads, tadpoles, newly metamorphosed baby frogs, the dog, the cat, the snails, and the Guinea Pig, APW wakes the child, feeds him breakfast and dresses him.  Then we depart for church, telling the congregation that PilotHusband is on a trip.  PilotHusband continues to snore in his makeshift chrysalis.

1430Z (10:30AM) Upon returning from church, APW finds PilotHusband sitting on the sofa, watching FoxNews and drinking coffee, wearing a white terry bathrobe, looking like a cranky polar bear.  APW changes into work clothes, gets out her Ryobi saw and heads out to the back yard to start chunking up the trees we lost in the last big thunderstorm.

1530Z (11:30AM) APW comes back in the house to get a cold bottle of water.  PilotHusband is laying on the sofa, drinking a Leffe, watching "The Longest Day" on the Military Channel (for the 57th time).  He barely notices APW lugging her Ryobi paint sprayer out the back door to apply primer to 600 feet of cinder block retaining wall because its that great scene when they storm Sword Beach with Sean Connery.  Who could fault him for that?

1615Z (12:15PM) APW comes back in the house to fetch her drill, saw, hardware cloth, and ferring strips, announcing that she must repair the enclosure around the chicken coop because the bobcat, fox, or coyote, tried to get in.  PilotHusband does not notice this because he's watching Richard Burton get shot down (you know, the part where he breaks his leg and waits for the GIs and the guy has his boots on the wrong feet... cinematic genius).

I could go on and on.  Suffice it to say, the critters all got fed, APW and our son got some religion, the trees got cut, the retaining wall got painted, the chicken coop enclosure got repaired, and an acre and a half of grass got mowed.  As for PilotHusband, he drank coffee and watched FoxNews, he drank Leffe and watched "The Longest Day", then he drank Scotch and watched the "Hitler's Henchmen" marathon.  Oh yeah, then I cooked him dinner.

"Easy Like Sunday Morning"?????  No disrespect to the Commodores, but Lionel Ritchie can bite me.  For all you self-sufficient AngryWives, and you PilotHusbands who do more than fly airplanes and watch the Military Channel, please check out the link to Ryobi.  I really do own these tools, use them ("cause no one else in this house would), and recommend them. http://bdash.ca/?url=NTM2MzY2