Tuesday, June 5, 2012


I am a physics geek.  I subscribe to Omni, Discover, and Science Weekly.  I use a highlighter when I read the articles.  I secretly crush on Dr. Michio Kaku.  I am trying to teach myself about the finer points of "string theory".  Seriously!  APW is a closeted, quark loving, string theorist, quantum physics groupie.  There.  I've said it.  Judge me, if you will.

So, obviously, in addition to regular Sunday attendance at the local Methodist church, I worship Albert Einstein.  I have read everything he has written, as well as everything written about him.  Only PilotHusband can tell you if I actually have E=mc2 tattooed on my butt.

So, lately I've been contemplating the Theory of Relativity.  Einstein was a very groovy guy.  To paraphrase, he explained Relativity as akin to how fast time passes when you kiss a beautiful girl versus, how slowly time passes when you are doing something you don't enjoy.  It got me thinking about how the concept of time is specific and relevant to the Air Line Pilot.

For example, most people would disapprove of drinking beer at 9:00 in the morning.  However, if you are a pilot, and you just got home from a red-eye flight, that is a perfectly acceptable choice for breakfast.  Relativity.

Given that the child has to be at school by 8:00 and AngryPilotWife likes to get to the office by 8:45, one might assume that bedtime is 8:30 for "Little Man" and 10:00 for APW.  Not so!  In the world of Pilot Relativity, if PilotHusband has to get up at 3:30 for a 6:00 am commuter flight, EVERYONE must be in bed by 7 o'clock.  Relativity.

The same Theory of Relativity applies to days off.  One might think, if PilotHusband has 7 days off in a row, he may be more inclined to DO SOMETHING around here, as opposed to having only 2 days off which would justify rest and relaxation (on the couch, watching the Military Channel).  But No!  The Theory of  Relativity tells us that we must divide the Pilot's days off by the perceived effort, multiplied by the number of days it takes to reiterate the last 3 day trip in excruciating detail, cubed by the trip differential, divided by the level of  difficulty, squared by the number of Flight Attendants over the age of 65, multiplied by the percentile chance of getting another trip assignment, and exponentially expanded by whether or not he liked the Captain he flew with.  Relativity.

When Steven Hawking showed up to investigate the gravitational pull of our sofa, when PilotHusband was laying on it, watching the Military Channel, pulling the Earth off its axis; we discussed this.  He was in agreement.  Time is relative when dealing with an Air Line Pilot.  Relativity.

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