HOW TO LOSE YOUR DEBIT/CREDIT CARD LIKE A REAL PILOT

(This one goes out to "JustDoin'MyJob" at Airline Pilot Central.  No Sir, PilotHusband has NOT been behaving himself.  Quite the contrary.  So, tonight I am unleashing my AngryPilotWife wrath.  "Herman" may need to couch surf with one of ya'll before the week's out).

So... back to How to Lose Your Debit Card like a Pilot:

Step One:    Tell your Wife to go to grocery store and the liquor store even though she has been clearing brush and mowing your yard all day long (while you've been laying on the couch watching the Military Channel).  Tell her to take your bank card.

Step Two:    Act surprised when your bank card is not in your wallet.

Step Three:   Accuse your Wife of already removing said bank card from your wallet.

Step Four:    Blame your Wife for the missing bank card, because if she had gotten a secondary card to your account (which requires your signature, in person, at the bank, which you haven't done), it wouldn't matter if you lost your card, because she would still have one.

Step Five:    Have your Wife pull up your bank statement to see where your card was used last.

Step Six:      (This one is VERY important)  Decide which charges your are going to own up to and which one's you are going to deny any knowledge of.  Our conversation went something like this;
APW:  There's a charge for the Comfort Inn in Detroit on the 25th.
PH:  Yep, that was when I sat short call.
APW:  Well, what about this $47 charge at Bob's Grill in Sarasota FL?
PH:  Oh, that's when the Captain and I went out to dinner.
APW:  Here's a $62 charge at a liquor store in Bradenton FL.
PH:  Hmmmm... um... well... I don't recall that one.  It seems suspicious.
APW:  What about this $276 charge at some place called The Gentleman's Club?  And this $235 charge at someplace called the Boob Barn?  And $119 at Hooter's?
PH:  ..... Damn, Baby!   Someone must have stolen my card!!!!

Step Seven:  Have your Wife call the bank/credit card company.  Take the phone from your Wife and tell the call center representative what a very important person you are and insist that your card be cancelled immediately.

Step Eight:   Act surprised when your Wife finds your card in the pocket of the shorts you wore on your last trip.

Step Nine:  Get pissed off at your Wife because she didn't find your card before you insisted that the bank cancel it.

Step Ten:  Retreat to the couch and watch the Military Channel.

HOLY CRAP! I NEED A MARGARITA!

Okay.  I admit, AngryPilotWife is usually known for guzzling mass quantities of not-too-oaky-white-wine.  But today, I am switching my drink of choice to tequila.... specifically Sauza Blue Agave Tequila Margaritas.  Have you seen the ad???   It features a shirtless fireman, mixing the perfect Margarita, with a fuzzy little kitten.  Hello?  You had me at shirtless fireman!  And he likes kittens!  Can you say, "THE MOST PERFECT MAN EVER"?  Holy Crap!  I am speechless... and very little ever leaves me speechless.  Check out the link on my FaceBook page to view the firefighter in all his glory.  And yes, I like mine with a bit of salt.  You can decide if I meant I like salt on my Margarita, or my fireman ;)

(Oh hell.  I am gonna' pay for this when PilotHusband gets home!  But in my defense, the fireman is really pretty and the kitty is just soooo cute).

I MARRIED A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL

No. No. No.  This is not a tale of forbidden love in the Appalachian Mountains of West Virginia!  What I mean to say is, life with PilotHusband, is becoming more and more like living with a teen aged girl.   Really.  At this rate, its only a matter of time before there are Justin Bieber posters hanging on my walls.

Last night, I needed to use the phone to return a friend's call.  PilotHusband was on the phone with his BFF (best friend forever, for those of you not hip to the vernacular of the teen girl).  Two hours, five dirty looks, and a "Get off the F-ing phone" later, he was till chatting away.  And trust me on this... PilotHusband does not have 2 hours worth of interesting things to talk about.  By the time he finally got off the phone, it was too late for decently mannered folks to place a call.

Then we need to consider the time spent in front of the mirror.  Sure, for the teen girl, mirror time involves acne assessment and perfecting the newest popular hairstyle.  For PilotHusband, it involves the quest to rid himself of unwanted ear and nose hair.  However, PilotHusband logs just as many hours in front of the looking glass as any reader of Seventeen Magazine.

Let's talk about social interaction, shall we?  Evidently PilotHusband's full time job is not actually aviation.  It is FaceBook.  I would expect men to judge each other by the size of their equipment (interpret that any way you choose; did APW mean aircraft, or something else?).  But when your PilotHusband is actually a teen age girl in disguise, you judge each other by the number of FaceBook friends you have.

Later tonight we're going to listen to The Jonas Brothers and One Direction while we paint our toenails!

Thank you,  thank you, thank you, kind readers!  AngryPilotWife's blog has hit 50,000 views and has been read in over 90 countries!  I am pleased that you find humor (and solace) here.  Please continue to share the blog with your friends and coworkers.  Don't forget to check out AngryPilotWife on FaceBook for great videos.  Oh yeah, hit the "Like" button, will ya'?  My self-esteem could use the boost.

Much Love to All!
APW

THERE'S A FRIEND FOR THAT

It occured to me today, as I sat with one of my dearest friends, sipping Starbucks, chatting away, that women and PilotHusbands are very different when it comes to friends.  AngryPilotWife has lots of different types of friends.  Some are good at shopping, some are good at advice, some are deep thinkers, and some are the type that get their bra stuck in the ceiling fan blades until it is propelled out the window, into the shrubbery below (sorry, Angie).  Here's a list of the different types of friends AngryilotWife has.... and the PilotHusband Buddy equivalent.

APW HAS "THE MARTHA STEWART FRIEND":  I have a friend who is a genius at baking and cooking and entertaining.  If you have unexpected company show up for dinner and all you have is a can of salmon. pickles, mayo, and stale bread, she can coach you through preparing a dill infused salmon mousse.  (PilotHusband has UnitedPilotBuddy, who makes a pretty good salsa.)

APW HAS "THE GOOD ADVICE FRIEND":  This is the woman I can call and share any drama with her, and after she listens thoughtfully, she asks me pointed questions to guide me down the right path.  (PilotHusband has DHLPilotBuddy, who listens to him and then says "Dude, what the hell were you thinking?)

APW HAS "THE FUNDRAISER FRIEND":  Yes, I get sucked in to every Tupperware Party, and Pampered Chef Party she throws, but any time my child has to sell something for some school fundraiser, I can send him to her door, knowing she will purchase $40 worth of cookies, wrapping paper, candy bars, or whatever other crap the kids are selling.  (PilotHusband has UPSPilotBuddy who frequently buys a round or two, or three, or twelve)

APW HAS "THE SEX IN THE CITY FRIEND":  We can sit around at any restaurant and discuss our sex lives in graphic detail, laughing all the way.  (PilotHusband has ContinentalPilotBuddy who says "Dude, did you tap that?"  Then Pilot Husband says "no", and ContinentalPilotBuddy says "yeah, me neither")

APW HAS THE "HANDY FRIEND":  This is the friend that knows how to install a ceiling fan, connect a new dishwasher, and had teen aged sons that will help you move furniture.  (PilotHusband has FedExPilotBuddy that tells him who to hire to do everything for him).


APW HAS "THE I'LL GET THE SHOVEL, YOU GET THE BLEACH FRIEND":  The greatest compliment ever bestowed on APW was when one of my friends said, "If I needed to call someone to help me dispose of a body, you'd be the first number I dialed".  Some friends will help you through extraordinary circumstances.  (PilotHusband has.... no equivalent)

No person can be all things to all people.  Respect and appreciate your friends for what they do best and what they, uniquely, contribute to your life.