Wednesday, July 17, 2013


I don't make the rules.... I just live by them.  While I am a firm believer in shades of grey (and I'm talking about ambiguity... NOT the "Mommy porn" books), I recognize that there are certain black and white, finite, truisms in the Universe.

1.     When your Best Drinking Buddy stops returning your calls, chances are he's newly released from rehab, and in accordance with "Step 4", he's not allowed to play with you any more.  Bummer.

2.     No matter how clear and beautiful the weather is, and regardless of the time of year, if your PilotHusband flies to Europe, he will return with a harrowing tale of "flying over the FROZEN NORTH ATLANTIC".  Just roll with it, Ladies.

3.     When a previously "normal" PilotBuddy starts posting Bible quotes on his FaceBook page, it means he just got busted cheating on his wife, is going through a nasty divorce, and is trying to improve his image for the upcoming litigation.

4.     If an AngryPilotWife types "you" into the address bar on the computer, it will auto fill "YouPorn" instead of "YouTube".  Its not your PilotHusband's fault.  That's just how the alphabet works.

5.     Pilots don't listen (unless you're talking over a radio... from the control tower).  No matter how many times you tell your husband that the recent heavy rains are driving venomous copperhead snakes into the open, and regardless of how many times he has watched you hack one of these poisonous snakes to death in the back yard with a shovel (through the window, as he lays on the couch, watching the Military Channel), he will inevitably come home and announce that he heard on the radio that all the heavy rain will be driving Copperheads into the yard.  REALLY?!

6.     Pilots are good at long term goals.  They SUCK at short term goals.  This is why your PilotHusband will insure money for your child's education, and ample resources for retirement, but you CANNOT put him in charge of planning your child's birthday party or any other occasion.  If PilotHusband were in charge of Christmas, we'd have to convert to Judaism;  then at least he'd have 8 days to get it right.

7.     In the Zombie Apocalypse, you're better off picking Ving Rhames than Brad Pitt, for your team.  I'm just saying.

8.     PilotHusbands have no short term memory.  When he announces that we have enough pets and we shouldn't adopt any more creatures, just wait until he leaves for a trip.  Then you can adopt a Guinea Pig from PetSmart, and take in 4 fuzzy little chicks (that need to be incubated in a fish tank in your formal dining room).  He won't remember his mandate when he gets home.  Oh, he'll still be pissed about the zoo that you are collecting, however he won't be pissed that you defied his dictate... because he won't remember it.

9.     Happy Places are important.  When your PilotHusband starts telling the tale about how he greased on his last landing (for the 47th time), pretend to be interested and just go to your happy place.  Mine usually involves George Clooney and a bottle of Spicy Italian Salad Dressing... but that part is entirely up to you.

The Universe has been around for a very long time.  Do not fight the Universe.  Accept the finite, and revel in the infinite.  Learn to accept what IS, and explore what COULD BE.  Sorry to get all Yoda on you, but that's how I see it.


  1. OMG you have nailed it once again, #6 there may be no gas in the car, no food in the fridge, payday is a week away, but I'm only allowed to buy beer on the credit card and get a lecture about doing a better job of budgeting,(even though my budget hasn't had a cost of living increase since Carter was in office. subtext to #8 Tell him the chicks and guinea pig were there before the mandate, he just didn't notice because the fish tank was in a colder room and you had to move them and the guinea pig has always been there. #9 Does the salad dressing go on George Clooney? just asking...

    1. In my "happy place" I take the BED of lettuce quite literally, hence the need for salad dressing, :D