PILOTHUSBAND CAN'T GET IT..... IN.

Some men have a hard time getting it up.  I get it... I've seen the commercials.  Blood pressure medication, low testosterone, stress, a wife who has let herself go... many factors affect a man's ability to "get it up".  Thankfully, PilotHusband does NOT have that problem (the capitals are used at his request).  However, PilotHusband has a huge problem getting it in... and I blame Mother D!

You see, once upon a time, PilotHusband used to be a 737 Captain, flying to tropical islands and resorts in South America.  His aircraft had a tiller on both sides of the cockpit, allowing both the Captain and the First Officer to taxi to the gate.  But at Mother D, the tiller is only on the Captain's side.  Given that PilotHusband is a First Officer, he can bring a wide body home from Europe (over the frozen North Atlantic) and land it (greasing it on every time), but he cannot bring it all the way in to the gate.  Therefore, he has developed a significant problem with "getting it in". 

Late last night, PilotHusband finished drinking a gallon of milk (straight from the container).  Rather than put it in the trash can, he left it on the counter.

When he got home from his trip, rather than put his dirty clothes in the laundry basket, he dropped them on the floor, just 10 feet away.

After PilotHusband finished his dinner, he left his dirty plate on the counter, rather than putting it in the sink (or, God Forbid, the dishwasher).

PilotHusband is very anal about oral care. (I only phrased it that way to see what sort of freaks would find this site after a Google search of those two words)  Anyway, he flosses his teeth several times a day, but can never get the used floss in the trash can.

Given that we usually enter the house through the garage door, I built an elaborate cubby system to store our shoes.  Sadly, PilotHusband cannot get his shoes in a cubby.  Instead, I find them in front of doorways, under the coffee table, or strewn about the house.

Sometimes I wish PilotHusband had a problem "getting it up".  Then all it would take is a little blue pill to fix the problem.  Sadly, there is no cure for a man who cannot get it in.

HOW TO RETURN HOME FROM A TRIP... LIKE A REAL PILOT.

All Pilots have their routines.  PilotHusband follows the same format when he returns home, whether he has sat short call/ready reserve/quick call with no assignment, or has come home from a 4 day trip to Europe (over the frozen North Atlantic).  Follow my PilotHusband's routine if you want to return home like a real Pilot.

Step One.......  Greet your child as soon as you walk in the door.  Present your child with the "very special treat" Daddy brought home for him: stale hotel cookies and crushed breakfast muffins from First Class. Continue to do this after every trip even though your child looks at you like you're a total douche bag, and gives your "special treats" to the dog as soon as your back is turned.  Ignore the fact that the dog looks at you like you are a total douche bag, too.

Step Two.......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Three.....  Ignore your Wife who is busy in the kitchen, preparing your dinner.

Step Four......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Five......   Empty your suitcase of all the dirty clothes.  Dump them in a pile in the middle of the Dining Room.  Walk away.

Step Six.......    Pour yourself a drink.

Step Seven.....  Take a shower.  Change into the same stained sweatshirt and cargo shorts with the huge hole in the crotch that you were wearing just before you left on your trip.

Step Eight.....  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Nine.......  Finally greet your Wife by grabbing her ass and sticking your tongue down her throat.  Act surprised when this is not well received.

Step Ten.......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Eleven....  Spend the next hour, ignoring your family, while you catch up on the latest gossip and wisdom on Airline Pilot Central forums.

Step Twelve....  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Thirteen..  Spend the next hour whining about how hard your trip was (even though you are sporting a new sun tan) and bitching about your Captain (or F/O).  Be sure to talk about how you greased on your landings, over and over again.

Step Fourteen..  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Fifteen...   Decide that your wife is overcooking the roast.  Turn the oven off when she is not looking (even though it still has an hour to cook).

Step Sixteen...   Pour yourself drink.

Step Seventeen.. Act hurt and surprised when your Wife yells at you for screwing with the oven (and ruining the roast).  Retreat to your office to see how many people you can piss off and alienate on Face Book.

Step Eighteen..  Pour yourself one shot for every person who has "unfriended" you after your last Face Book rampage.

Step Nineteen..  Act surprised that your Wife and child have gone to bed.  Lay on the sofa and watch the Military Channel.  Tell the dog to stop looking at you like you're a douche bag. 

Night. Night. Sweet Pilots.  So glad you're home!

 

CLEARING THE AIR

In any relationship, misunderstandings, resentment, annoyances, and expectations can build up and create tension.  From time to time, its a good idea for couples to sit down and "clear the air"... or remove the turbulence, so to speak.  Any time I have tried to do this with my PilotHusband, he just turns up the volume on the Military Channel to drown me out.  So, I shall clear the air right here.  Perhaps he will read it, or someone on Airline Pilot Central will read it (and give him shit for it), or he will ignore it just as much in written form as he does verbally.  Regardless, I will feel better for getting it off my chest.... and it just may apply to some of you, as well.

1.    You do not get a gold star for doing your job.  That's what you are supposed to do.  I do my job every day, and no one gives me a smiley face sticker.  Thank you for transporting 300+ souls safely to Paris (over the frozen North Atlantic).... now will you PLEASE mow the effing lawn?

2.    If I call you while you are on a trip, its not because I want to talk to you.  If I call you, it is to express annoyance that you haven't called me.  Okay, I admit it... that probably doesn't make much sense.  Its a "chick thing".  I can view your schedule.  I know you had a three hour break in NYC; but you didn't call.  I know you got to the hotel on Day 2 at noon; but you didn't call until 7:00PM.  I know you didn't leave the hotel until 2:00PM on Day 4; but you didn't call until the end of your rotation.  I want to feel like, checking in with your family, is the most important thing to you.

*Please note, even if you did call at every soonest opportunity, I would still be short, curt, snippy, and dismissive, because I'm still pissed off about that thing you did/said/didn't do/didn't say, before you left.  Deal with it.  I went through LABOR... I win!  Pick up a damn phone.

3.    I know you want our son to follow in Daddy's footsteps and be a Pilot... for your Air Line.  However, if you keep nagging him about going to Annapolis or the Air Force Academy, and becoming a Carrier Qualified Pilot... he will rebel.  If you keep this up, he will end up majoring in Musical Theater at NC School of the Arts (not that there's anything wrong with that).  HE'S SEVEN!  Right now, he wants to become a "Toy Designer" and live at the North Pole with Santa, where he can design cool robot toys for the elves to make.  Chill a little bit, will ya'?

4.    I know you are a "stick and rudder" guy, but will you PLEASE get the stick out of your ass?  Contrary to popular belief, you can be friends with people who don't fly airplanes.  APW has lots of different friends, all of whom have something unique to contribute.  Heavily inked biker friends, militant lesbian friends, neo-hippie Renaissance Festival friends, redneck farmer friends, plain old redneck friends, uber-yuppie executive friends... and they all enrich my life and make me smile in their own way.  Pilots are not the Master Race.  You watch  Military Channel... you know how that turned out for the Nazis.

5.    Please stop deleting important emails and then dumping the computer trash, only to turn around and tell me there's an important email that I need to address.  How exactly am I supposed to do that?
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Okay... I feel better now.  Don't worry.  I intend to be fair and balanced.  PilotHusband comes home today.  I'll make notes as to all of his complaints and post them here as well.  (This could get really interesting)

 

IF APW WROTE THE CONTRACT...

It has been said that you cannot serve two Masters.  I believe this to be true, especially when it comes to Pilots' Unions.  Evidently, the Sky Gods over at "Mother D" are coming to that realization. Personally, I have never understood how a union can negotiate a contract for a commuter / feeder Air Line, seeking more flying and expansion, and then turn around and negotiate a Legacy carrier contract, addressing scope and growth for them.  At the very least, it seems a bit disingenuous.  So, it looks like the Uber Aviators of Mother D may dump ALPA in favor of creating a new, Air Line-centric union.  If DPA gets voted in, I have one suggestion.  When contract negotiations roll around, we need Union Reps, Management, AND some AngryPilotWives, sitting at the table.

Let's face it, as PilotWives, we drop off and pick up their uniforms from the dry cleaner each week.  We do the laundry; we pack the suitcase; we fill out the bids; we keep track of the schedule; Hell, we filled out the damn application that got him the job in the first place.  Technically, we should be on payroll.  So when it comes time to negotiate a new contract, I want some input!  So, here is my list of "must-haves" for the next Pilot Contract.

1.     Pilots will be banned from having an overnight at the airport closest to their residence.  If you live in ATL, but are based in NYC, you will be banned from any trip that includes an ATL overnight.  If the Pilot can come home while on a trip, that defeats the whole purpose of getting him out of the house!

2.     If the final segments of a trip are canceled, the Pilot will be given other flying, or other duties, to ensure that he will NOT return home, sooner than expected.  Give him an out-and-back; make him dust the LazyBoys in the crew room, but DO NOT send him home before we expect him.   We need time to restore the house from Rock Star Debauchery to Squared Away Pilot Neatness. Do not screw with my program.

3.     All Pilots will be provided 6 new uniforms per year.  Pilots are cheap.  They will not buy new uniforms on their own.  Instead they will make us touch up the threadbare portions of their pants with a Sharpie marker, let their middle-aged gut hang over the waistband, and force us to bribe our Dry Cleaner with baked goods to constantly put a "rush" order on his clothing.  Please give a PilotWife a break.  A few extra uniforms would help.

4.     All Pilots will have a mandatory off day for their wedding anniversary.  This will leave them no excuse.  They will have to show up with a gift, or plan a night out with us.  Okay, its not a deal breaker, but it would be fun to watch them squirm as they are left with no excuse to avoid celebrating the day.

5.     All Pilots shall be required to fly over Thanksgiving.  Remember, PilotHusband got his love of aviation from his mother.... who has been flying around on a broom since you met her.  If our Pilots were off on Turkey Day, we'd have to entertain people that we don't like.  If all Pilots have to work on the holiday, we get a hall pass from dealing with horrible relatives.

6.     Pilots will be REQUIRED to take Xanax, Midol, Paxil, or Haldol during all Advanced Entitlement or Mandatory Displacement bid periods.  Every time APW has to fill out another bid, I have to spend weeks listening to the gloom and doom predictions of PilotHusband, even though he had held his position on his aircraft for 6 years.  More medication... less drama.

7.     Along with Medical, Dental, Vision, and Life Insurance, Pilots will be compensated with a "Handyman" benefit, allowing PilotWives to enlist help in the maintenance and repair of the home.  I don't know about you, but when something needs fixing around here, my Uber Aviator tells me to "Call Maintenance... I'll be at Starbucks until it gets done".  Pilots won't get on a ladder to paint or clean gutters because they don't want to fall and "lose my Medical".  Pilots don't do electrical repairs because they don't want to get shocked and "lose my Medical".  Pilots don't want to use a circular saw, rototiller, lawn mower, or any other power tool, because they might "lose my Medical".  Given how responsible Pilots are in protecting their First Class Medical status, I think the company could provide a little help here.

I have many more suggestions, but I don't want to put all of my cards on the table... just yet.  Hey DPA, I'm rooting for you.  But be advised, the AngryPilotWives want a seat at the table too.