Tuesday, August 20, 2013


All Pilots have their routines.  PilotHusband follows the same format when he returns home, whether he has sat short call/ready reserve/quick call with no assignment, or has come home from a 4 day trip to Europe (over the frozen North Atlantic).  Follow my PilotHusband's routine if you want to return home like a real Pilot.

Step One.......  Greet your child as soon as you walk in the door.  Present your child with the "very special treat" Daddy brought home for him: stale hotel cookies and crushed breakfast muffins from First Class. Continue to do this after every trip even though your child looks at you like you're a total douche bag, and gives your "special treats" to the dog as soon as your back is turned.  Ignore the fact that the dog looks at you like you are a total douche bag, too.

Step Two.......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Three.....  Ignore your Wife who is busy in the kitchen, preparing your dinner.

Step Four......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Five......   Empty your suitcase of all the dirty clothes.  Dump them in a pile in the middle of the Dining Room.  Walk away.

Step Six.......    Pour yourself a drink.

Step Seven.....  Take a shower.  Change into the same stained sweatshirt and cargo shorts with the huge hole in the crotch that you were wearing just before you left on your trip.

Step Eight.....  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Nine.......  Finally greet your Wife by grabbing her ass and sticking your tongue down her throat.  Act surprised when this is not well received.

Step Ten.......  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Eleven....  Spend the next hour, ignoring your family, while you catch up on the latest gossip and wisdom on Airline Pilot Central forums.

Step Twelve....  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Thirteen..  Spend the next hour whining about how hard your trip was (even though you are sporting a new sun tan) and bitching about your Captain (or F/O).  Be sure to talk about how you greased on your landings, over and over again.

Step Fourteen..  Pour yourself a drink.

Step Fifteen...   Decide that your wife is overcooking the roast.  Turn the oven off when she is not looking (even though it still has an hour to cook).

Step Sixteen...   Pour yourself drink.

Step Seventeen.. Act hurt and surprised when your Wife yells at you for screwing with the oven (and ruining the roast).  Retreat to your office to see how many people you can piss off and alienate on Face Book.

Step Eighteen..  Pour yourself one shot for every person who has "unfriended" you after your last Face Book rampage.

Step Nineteen..  Act surprised that your Wife and child have gone to bed.  Lay on the sofa and watch the Military Channel.  Tell the dog to stop looking at you like you're a douche bag. 

Night. Night. Sweet Pilots.  So glad you're home!


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