Sunday, October 27, 2013


Pilots, upon reaching a certain point in their careers, are spoiled.  They sit on their ass and push a button and say "I'd like a coke"... and someone brings them a coke.  The sum total of their physical exertion is walking around an airplane.  If something breaks, they call Maintenance and wait at Starbucks while it gets fixed.  And while I'm venting, you people don't actually fly anywhere... that would involve flapping (and feathers).  You just got in from Paris.  You sat.  You steered.  You pushed buttons.  You read the Wall Street Journal.  BUT YOU DIDN'T FLY!  The geese that just landed in the lake across from our house just did some MAJOR FLYING, all the way from Canada... and I'm pretty sure no one served them a crew meal or fetched them some coffee.  Either your Company or your Contract tell you that can't possibly work more than 35 hours in a week, and a 24 hour period of absolutely nothing to do is required.  Heck, even Scheduling tells you when its time to "rest"; sort of like nap time at pre-school.

As a result, Air Line Pilots are detached from reality... like a cult member or a hostage with Stockholm Syndrome.  It's not their fault.  So, in an effort to re-integrate you boys back into society, let me give you a reality check.

1.   In the REAL world, there is not a team of mechanically inclined people standing at the ready to fix anything that breaks.  When the dishwasher breaks on Friday night, you cannot leave for a trip on Saturday and demand that there will be a new dishwasher installed by the time you return on Monday.  In the REAL world, one would drive to Home Depot, pick out an appliance, wait two days for a call to schedule delivery and installation two weeks later.  In PilotHusband's world, this situation required AngryPilotWife to drive to 3 stores to find the right dishwasher in stock, load it on my truck, come home and drag it in the house by myself, and spend the next day struggling to tear out the old one, and hardwire in and connect the plumbing for the new one.... but it is installed... before PilotHusband returns from his trip on Monday.

2.  In the REAL world, a catering truck does not pull up to the house several times a day, restocking whatever you need.  In the REAL world, people make grocery lists and get off the damn sofa and go to the grocery store.  In PilotHusband's world, APW goes to the grocery store to get provisions for our home, after asking PilotHusband if he needs anything.  Then after leaving the grocery store and driving half way home, APW turns around and goes back because PilotHusband called her to say he was out beer.  Then APW returns home to find that in her absence, PH ate all of the sandwich meat for our son's lunch tomorrow, all of the ice cream, and used the last of the toilet paper (which we are out of because he's been home so damn long).  This requires APW to go back to the grocery store a third time that day.

3.  In the REAL world, people do not have a legally binding contract requiring them to "rest" and do absolutely nothing for 24 hours.  In the REAL world, there is always something that needs to get done.  Even if "regular" folks have a day off from their jobs, there is still work to do; cooking dinner, mowing the lawn, walking the dog, laundry, washing dishes... it never ends.  In PilotHusband's world, the terms "rest" and "days off" are taken very seriously.  An off day requires less movement than a South American Giant Sloth, restricting PH to the sofa where he dutifully rests (and watches the Military Channel).

4.  In the REAL world, sometimes people are nice to you because they are genuinely kind people.  In the REAL world, the Manager at the grocery store greets everyone.  The school bus driver waves hello at each parent at every bus stop.  The kid at the local mini-mart is very friendly.  In PilotHusband's world, all of these people are friendly and accommodating because he showed up in uniform and they are impressed and in awe of the "double-breasted van admiral" attire.  Really?

5.  In the REAL world, people actually buy their own toilet paper, soap, shampoo, and conditioner.  In PilotHusband's world, if he's been home for a while, when the toilet paper runs out, we switch to Kleenex, and when that runs out... paper towels.  But under NO circumstances do Pilots buy toilet paper.  If God wanted Pilots to buy their own toilet paper, He wouldn't have created Housekeeping carts.

My background is actually in Clinical Psychology.  I'm thinking about starting a deprogramming center to re-integrate these poor Pilots back into mainstream society after retirement.  But I fear it would be like those facilities that try to turn gay teens straight. It just won't work.  Like Lady GaGa says, "they were born this way".  I guess the rest of us will just have to learn to roll with it.  Hey, somebody pass me the Kool-Aid!


1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for this, I laughed till I cried. :)