Wednesday, January 16, 2013


Are you a pilot?  Are you thinking about settling down, getting married, and starting a family?  Well just like the Pilot Operations Handbook or an ALPA contract, there are rules people!  Here's how to be the ultimate PilotDad....

1.  Pregnant chick stuff is icky.  Yes, you need to accompany your pregnant, hormonal, emotional wife to the OB/GYN office at first.... or she will bludgeon you with a blunt object while you sleep.  But pretty much, once you see the ultrasound picture of your baby... you're done.  Especially if the sonogram shows a weenie.  Oh yeah!  You not only planted your "seed", but you created yet another "penis person".  Hooray, you.

2.  You will, inevitably, piss off your pregnant wife.  You can't help it; you are a Pilot.  The self-confidence, brashness, and ego-mania that she used to find so attractive, will make her want to scratch your eyes out.  When this happens (and it will), simply throw a chocolate bar in one direction, while you run in the opposite direction. Go to Costco and buy Hershey Bars by the case.  Do not ever run out of them.  Your life depends on it.

3.  Having done your part, you really don't need to show up until about month 9 or 10.  But do NOT drink the Kool Aid.  You are a Pilot!  You are not going to sit in a kiddie pool, massaging your wife's back for a water birth.  Hell!  You ain't gonna' be in the room at all!  No my friends, you will be pacing in the waiting room with a box of cigars like its 1955.  Real Pilots don't want to see all that.  They just want to know when its over.

4.  While your wife is breast feeding, continue to drink beer for breakfast, and Makers Mark for lunch... and dinner... while smoking Marlboro Reds.  This is critical.  You need to clearly define parenting roles now or you'll be that guy wearing Birkenstock sandals and a baby Bjorn at the check out line at Whole Foods.  Don't be that guy.

5.  When it comes to changing diapers, f%#$ it up royally from the start.  If you have a little girl, don't wipe front to back.  If you have a baby boy, don't put a washcloth over his weenie and let him spray the room just once.  You will never have to change another diaper again.

6.  After distancing yourself from the day to day, hour to hour, minute to minute, drudgery of child care, sit back and micromanage what your wife is doing.  Be sure to question her every move and decision.  You are simply helping her to be a better Mom.  You are just utilizing Crew Resource Management.  After all, you are a Pilot.

Children are a blessing.  PilotHusbands?  Eh.  God bless them; they try.

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