Tuesday, January 1, 2013


(The following rant does NOT apply to my dear friends and neighbors, Jill and Melissa.  I love you gals and I think your Christmas letters are very sweet!)  It DOES apply to the 16 other Christmas Family Newsletters we received.

PilotHusband and I have one strong holiday tradition.  We do not open any of the Christmas cards we received until PilotHusband has finished his Christmas flying and we can go through them together.  We pour ourselves a few cocktails/glasses of wine, and tear into them.  We especially enjoy the ones that contain an Annual Family Newsletter.  Oh how we enjoy them!

Here are a few observations about the Annual Family Newsletter....

1.  Hello?  We've actually met.  I know you people, AND YOU ARE NOT THAT INTERESTING!  No one, and I mean NO ONE should send 6 pages of single-spaced text about your family adventures/achievements over the past year.  Christiane Amanpour, George Clooney, and Anderson Cooper are WAAAAY more interesting, and they manage to keep it to 2 pages, max.  I'm just sayin'.

2.  You people are capable of more propagandist spin than Josef Geobbles.  Seriously?  I've babysat for your children.... when you describe them as "bright and active" what you really mean is lagging behind grade level and Attention Deficit Disordered.  You've got more spin than the final cycle of my washing machine.  (yes, FrontierPilotWifeFriend, I mean you!)

3.  Please don't tell me about the wonderful second honeymoon trip you and your spouse took to Nice.  In 2012, each of you felt the need to run away from home and crash in my spare bedroom for a few days until the dust settled (yes, I am talking about you, FedExPilotBuddy and ReallyPissedOffFedExPilotWife).  And, AND, AND you confided in me about the affairs that BOTH of you are having!

4.  Let's be honest.  If we are good friends, then we have spoken over the past year, and I know what you and your family have been up to.  If we only communicate through Christmas Family Newsletters, then we are not that tight AND I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WHERE YOU VACATIONED LAST SUMMER!

5.  Your child is eight years old (Oh yeah, I'm talking to you, AlaskanPilotBuddy).  Do not include a resume for him as if he is seeking Nobel Laureate status or he is applying to the US Naval Academy.  HE'S EIGHT FRIGGING YEARS OLD!    I'm not that impressed.  "...Johnny continues to excel at building things with Legos".  Really? 

AngryPilotWife does not do a Christmas Family Newsletter because APW has no filter and always tells the truth. 

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