Friday, August 2, 2013


It has been said that you cannot serve two Masters.  I believe this to be true, especially when it comes to Pilots' Unions.  Evidently, the Sky Gods over at "Mother D" are coming to that realization. Personally, I have never understood how a union can negotiate a contract for a commuter / feeder Air Line, seeking more flying and expansion, and then turn around and negotiate a Legacy carrier contract, addressing scope and growth for them.  At the very least, it seems a bit disingenuous.  So, it looks like the Uber Aviators of Mother D may dump ALPA in favor of creating a new, Air Line-centric union.  If DPA gets voted in, I have one suggestion.  When contract negotiations roll around, we need Union Reps, Management, AND some AngryPilotWives, sitting at the table.

Let's face it, as PilotWives, we drop off and pick up their uniforms from the dry cleaner each week.  We do the laundry; we pack the suitcase; we fill out the bids; we keep track of the schedule; Hell, we filled out the damn application that got him the job in the first place.  Technically, we should be on payroll.  So when it comes time to negotiate a new contract, I want some input!  So, here is my list of "must-haves" for the next Pilot Contract.

1.     Pilots will be banned from having an overnight at the airport closest to their residence.  If you live in ATL, but are based in NYC, you will be banned from any trip that includes an ATL overnight.  If the Pilot can come home while on a trip, that defeats the whole purpose of getting him out of the house!

2.     If the final segments of a trip are canceled, the Pilot will be given other flying, or other duties, to ensure that he will NOT return home, sooner than expected.  Give him an out-and-back; make him dust the LazyBoys in the crew room, but DO NOT send him home before we expect him.   We need time to restore the house from Rock Star Debauchery to Squared Away Pilot Neatness. Do not screw with my program.

3.     All Pilots will be provided 6 new uniforms per year.  Pilots are cheap.  They will not buy new uniforms on their own.  Instead they will make us touch up the threadbare portions of their pants with a Sharpie marker, let their middle-aged gut hang over the waistband, and force us to bribe our Dry Cleaner with baked goods to constantly put a "rush" order on his clothing.  Please give a PilotWife a break.  A few extra uniforms would help.

4.     All Pilots will have a mandatory off day for their wedding anniversary.  This will leave them no excuse.  They will have to show up with a gift, or plan a night out with us.  Okay, its not a deal breaker, but it would be fun to watch them squirm as they are left with no excuse to avoid celebrating the day.

5.     All Pilots shall be required to fly over Thanksgiving.  Remember, PilotHusband got his love of aviation from his mother.... who has been flying around on a broom since you met her.  If our Pilots were off on Turkey Day, we'd have to entertain people that we don't like.  If all Pilots have to work on the holiday, we get a hall pass from dealing with horrible relatives.

6.     Pilots will be REQUIRED to take Xanax, Midol, Paxil, or Haldol during all Advanced Entitlement or Mandatory Displacement bid periods.  Every time APW has to fill out another bid, I have to spend weeks listening to the gloom and doom predictions of PilotHusband, even though he had held his position on his aircraft for 6 years.  More medication... less drama.

7.     Along with Medical, Dental, Vision, and Life Insurance, Pilots will be compensated with a "Handyman" benefit, allowing PilotWives to enlist help in the maintenance and repair of the home.  I don't know about you, but when something needs fixing around here, my Uber Aviator tells me to "Call Maintenance... I'll be at Starbucks until it gets done".  Pilots won't get on a ladder to paint or clean gutters because they don't want to fall and "lose my Medical".  Pilots don't do electrical repairs because they don't want to get shocked and "lose my Medical".  Pilots don't want to use a circular saw, rototiller, lawn mower, or any other power tool, because they might "lose my Medical".  Given how responsible Pilots are in protecting their First Class Medical status, I think the company could provide a little help here.

I have many more suggestions, but I don't want to put all of my cards on the table... just yet.  Hey DPA, I'm rooting for you.  But be advised, the AngryPilotWives want a seat at the table too.



  1. So true esp the part about us filling out the app for them!!

  2. Hahaha! If I get the unis back from the cleaners on time, I've really made it big!

  3. Love this..I filled out all of the applications years ago. The sharpie is for his hat along with black nail polish.