Monday, February 11, 2013


(Thank you, Morgan V. for the inspiration.  You rock!)

When deciding what to get your PilotHusband for Valentine's Day, you have to take a moment to examine the unique characteristics of the Sky God.  What do they love?  What do they hate?  As a rule, Pilots love; (in no particular order) themselves, war movies, beer, sex, liquor, watches, boats, and anything that reminds them of when they were still young and cool.   Pilots hate; (in no particular order) dressing up in anything that isn't stained or torn on a day off, the theater, concerts, anything that costs them money, anything that requires getting off the sofa, any anything that fails to acknowledge their supremacy as a species.  Given all that, here are a few gift ideas.

Embroidered Towels  No, not the kind with his initials that color coordinate with your bathroom decor.  That would be emasculating... and gay.  I'm talking about big plush towels that match the accent color of the upholstery on his boat, stitched with the name of his boat and "Capt. (insert his name here)" on one towel, and the boat name and "First Mate" on the other towel.  While you may be tempted, do not put your name on the other towel.  First of all, if your PilotHusband is on the boat with another PilotBuddy, it would be embarrassing to make him dry off with "Shirley" emblazoned on his towel.  Secondly, if your PilotHusband is out on the boat with someone other than his wife, or a buddy, we don't want it to appear as if we are marking our territory.  We are not German Shepherds, ladies.

HBO's Band of Brothers DVD boxed set  The men of Easy Company were true American heroes.  There are planes, tanks, guns, explosions, and Nazis.  If he already has that one, create your own WWII movie collection for him.  Be sure to include all of the classics; A Bridge Too Far, Twelve O'Clock High, Battle of the Bulge (no ladies, that is not a workout video), The High and the Mighty, Where Eagles Dare, Kelly's Heroes, The Longest Day, and Patton. Your husband will spend hours on end, laying on the couch, in guy movie bliss (oh, wait!  He does that already.).

Beer  I'm not talking about the beer of the month club, or some silly home brewing kit.  This one requires some planning and effort on your part.  If your husband flies domestically, find a specialty shop like Total Wine, Wine Maestro, or the Pipe and Pint.  Select microbrew beer from each city that he travels to.  Tie a decorative tag to each bottle, naming its city of origin, and place the bottles in a large gift basket.  If your husband flies international routes, do the same thing with beer from the countries he flies to.  Just ignore the lecture about how he could have bought it cheaper from duty-free.

Liquor  Because they are cheap, pilots hold onto this belief of "quantity over quality".   They love the finer things in life, but have a hard time prying open their wallets to pay for it.  They would rather buy a half gallon of Johnnie Walker Red than a fifth of Johnnie Walker Blue Label.  So, this Valentine's Day, buy them the top shelf liquor.  Get them Remy Martin, JW Blue, and the most expensive bottle of anything.  Do not be disappointed when they don't drink it.  They are saving it for when a PilotBuddy shows up and they pull it out of the bar as if it is always there, as part of the bread, milk, and eggs, weekly grocery list.

Sex  This is a no-brainer.  Pilots like sex.  But give them what they really want-- not what you think they want.  Drop the kids off at Grandma's house and then forget the lacy, frilly, Victoria's Secret crap.  Go to Adam & Eve and buy the naughty catholic school girl outfit, the sexy french maid outfit, or the leather clad dominatrix attire.  Forget the champagne and chocolate covered strawberries.  Cook him a medium rare steak and get your freak on.  Men are pretty basic; pilots, even more so.  Remember, Harlequin Romance novels are written for women, by women.  Porn is made for men, by men.  Don't give him romance... give him porn.

Led Zeppelin / the boxed set  I don't care if your PilotHusband is 32 or 62.  Chances are, at some point in is life, he listened to alot of Led Zep, and he thought he was cool while he was doing it.  This is a male right of passage.  Give him his coolness and youth back.  Let him jam out to Traveling Riverside Blues, or Stairway to Heaven.  Just keep those Bose noise-cancellation headsets handy for your own sanity and let your man rock on!

As for me, after 22 years of Valentine's Day disappointments, I don't get PilotHusband a gift.  I consider resisting the urge to beat him with his own golf clubs while he sleeps, gift enough.

I've said it before... don't freak out over Valentine's Day.  The other 364 days of the year are much more important.  Of course if your PilotHusband pisses you off on those days too...... well, just keep his 9 iron handy.

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