Sunday, December 16, 2012


Dear Santa,

I have been a very good girl this year.  I only threw 3 dishes at PilotHusband all year and I even took all of my empty wine bottles to the recycling center.  I made it through 2 parent teacher conferences without putting my son's teacher in a headlock.  And I have refrained from having my crazy-ass Mother committed... although I swear to God, she's pushing it.  I have tried to be a good friend, even to the people who annoy the crap out of me.  I haven't run over my In-Laws either (but to be honest, that was more about not wanting to damage my truck).  And I rescued a kitten.

So, Big Guy, I may not be "nice"... but I haven't been "naughty" either.  Is there some alternate list or special caveat for people like me?  Seriously, even you can't expect APW to be nice.  Can we compromise?  How about a list for "As Nice As They Are Capable Of" people?  Seems fair to me.

Anyway, it's not like I have a long or complicated wish list this year (as a result of 22 years of ever lowering expectations as my PilotHusband has no idea what the inside of a mall, or a jewelry store looks like).  So, if you decide to cut me a little slack on the whole "nice" thing, here's what I want for Christmas....

1.  A new laptop, just so I can start typing in YouTube without the search history immediately sending me to YouPorn after I type the first 3 letters. 

2.  A box of bumper stickers that say "They Started It" so every time I see one of those insipid "Coexist" bumper stickers, I can cover it up.

3.  Peace on Earth.... but only after we level all of the radical extremist countries in the Middle East where they think its perfectly acceptable to shoot little girls for daring to go to school and where becoming a suicide bomber to score a couple virgins in Heaven is an adequate career goal.

4.  A KitchenAid stand mixer in red.  No, really.

5.  Botox... to erase the lines PilotHusband caused.

6.  Wine.  Something white; not too oaky; perhaps a bit on the sweet side.  (PS, if you get the box, its easier to wrap... I'm just saying.

Thanks, Mr. C.  The cookies will be in the usual spot this year.  Enjoy.  Oh yeah, please tell the Reindeer to stop pooping on the roof.  I just had the gutters cleaned.


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