Tuesday, December 4, 2012


We have discussed the differences between being a Pilot and a REAL Pilot.  A Pilot has a job in aviation.  A REAL Pilot bleeds hydraulic fluid, thinks aircraft size is more important than penis size, and would SO bathe in a shower gel called "Prop Wash".  So, when flying over the holidays, are you a Pilot, or a REAL Pilot?  Take this simple quiz to determine if its just a job, or if you are an all- consumed, ego maniacal, God of the Skies, UBER PILOT.  Just answer "True" or "False" to the following statements and tally up your score.

1.  When I hear "Ho Ho Ho", I really hope it is in reference to my 3 Flight Attendants, and not the gentle laughter of some fat guy in a red suit.

2.  I think it is an appropriate display of Christmas spirit to refer to my male lead Flight Attendant as "Hermie the Elf" for the entire 4 day trip.

3.  I take the large tins of homemade, elaborately decorated sugar cookies my wife made for me to share with my crew and Gate Agents and eat them all myself.... except for the Santa cookies.  I just bite the heads off of those and cuss Crew Scheduling with my mouth full of sugary deliciousness.

4.  No disrespect to my ELALPilotBuddies, but I have no sympathy for Pilots who have to fly over Hanukkah.  The Festival of Light is eight days long.  Surely they will make it home for at least one day... unless they are on that 9 day Asia trip... in which case they are way more senior than me and make way more money than me, so F&%$ them.

5.  I think the Three Wise Men refers to Buzzpat, T Square, and DogWhisperer on AirlinePilotCentral.  (Sorry Boomer.... you get to be a shepherd in our Christmas pageant).

6.  When visited in the middle of the night by the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future; I told them to shut up and F&%$ Off because I had a 4:30 van time.

7.  I wear festive, non-uniform, holiday ties because either my wife was too busy decorating the house, baking cookies, assembling the toys to go under the tree, and attending the school Christmas Play to take my uniform tie to the Dry Cleaner, OR, I am on my third divorce and welcome the chance to save a few bucks on Dry Cleaning by wearing a tie I would normally never be caught dead in.

8.  I think anyone who knows every verse of The Twelve Days of Christmas should be shot on sight.

9.  Rather than help shop, decorate, or socialize in the days prior to my holiday trip, I think I should lay on the couch and watch the Military Channel.

10. I am appalled that NORAD tracks Santa's flight over Christmas Eve instead of monitoring the radical, extremist, lunatics in the Middle East on the verge on nuclear weapons.

If you answered "True"....
7-10 times:  CONGRATULATIONS!  You are a REAL Pilot!  Keep the Blue side up? Screw that!  You could fly upside-down long before Denzel Washington.

4-7 times:    You need to embrace your inner Sky God.  Remember there is no one cooler than a Pilot (except for maybe Astronauts, but most of them started out as pilots... and you could so be one if you wanted to, but you don't want to give up your seniority number).

Less than 4:  Ugh!!!  You are that guy everyone hates to fly with.  You are destined to work in management and be even more hated than you already are.

Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good flight!


  1. What about when your kids have no idea of when Christmas really, is, because you never celebrate it on the same date twice in a row. Always subject to the whims of crew scheduling. "Daddy, can you bid for Christmas to be BEFORE New Year's, this year?" "Sure honey, but I probably won't hold it this year"

  2. We did that before Kindergarten. How cool it was to move holidays around as needed! But now "Little Man" is in first grade and can follow a calender. We are SOOOO busted. Now we have 2 Christmases. The Santa one... and the Daddy one!