Friday, February 15, 2013


Believe it or not, after 22 years of total failure, PilotHusband remembered Valentine's Day.  PilotHusband planned in advance.  PilotHusband ordered a lovely gift to be delivered the day before the holiday. Yes, February 13, 2013 is the day Hell froze over.  But we are talking about my PilotHusband.... so you know that instead of finally getting it right, it all went horribly wrong.  Maybe some men just aren't cut out for Valentine's Day, no matter how well intentioned they may be.  I call it, Charlie Brown Syndrome.

Evidently, PilotHusband called ProFlowers and ordered 2 dozen roses to be delivered on Wednesday, as he was leaving on V Day to go to work.  This was going to be the year that he actually came through on Valentine's Day.  This was going to be the year that AngryPilotWife wouldn't be able to blog about what a tool he is.  But alas, here we are... again.

When PilotHusband checked his e-mail, late that morning, he had a notification from FedEx that his order had been delivered at 10:30.  He went to the front door to check..... no package.  He called FedEx tracking, and was told to check the garage, back door and "any bushes around the house".  This displeased PilotHusband.  However in an attempt to, finally, not be that guy, he did as he was told.  Still no flowers.

Meanwhile, AngryPilotWife called home from work and offered to leave early and take her PilotHusband to lunch.  He was in a pissy mood, and flatly refused.  This displeased APW.

I left work just in time to pick up our son from the bus stop and returned home to find PilotHusband on the phone screaming "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?".  (Unless you've been on Entertainment Tonight or the Sunday morning political talk shows, please don't ask that question.  It just makes you look pompous, delusional, and silly).

After 6 hours of distracted, bad-attitude, pissy behavior, having royally annoyed both his wife and child, PilotHusband explained that he had ordered flowers that were supposed to have been delivered, but were not here.  He had already been in contact with ProFlowers (who were kind, gracious, and helpful) and they would be re-sending the order on Friday.  I assured PilotHusband that all was good.  I was thrilled with his attempt, and understood this was not his fault.  That, however did not dissuade PilotHusband from calling FedEx back... again and again and again.  He called the tracking department, he called the distribution centers (in the surrounding 4 state area).  He yelled, screamed, and threatened every minimum wage cubical dweller with whom he spoke.  The last thing I overheard was "This is why I only drink with UPS Pilots!". 

Meanwhile, the flowers HAD been delivered.... to our next door neighbor's house.  Our neighbor's wife discovered them at her side door, and opened the box.  She was THRILLED that apparently her husband sent her 2 dozen multi-colored long stemmed roses... until she read the card and realized they were meant for APW.  At 6:30, her husband rang our doorbell, with the box of flowers in hand.  All was (finally) good in the Universe.

There's just a bit of fallout from this whole debacle.  Poor NextDoorNeighborHusband had to go out and spend a ridiculous amount of money for 2 dozen roses on Valentine's Day so that his wife wouldn't be disappointed.  Most of Wednesday was ruined by PilotHusband's drama and then he left the next morning.  And I'm pretty sure FedEx has taken out a restraining order again PilotHusband (I guess they shouldn't have rejected his application back in 1997).

Last time I checked, ProFlowers is still supposed to send out a duplicate order today because PilotHusband never let FedEx or ProFlowers know that we finally found the order.  You know how much Pilots love free shit!

(PS  ProFlowers is an AWESOME company.  The product that arrived was beautiful, and they were very tolerant and kind with PilotHusband during his multiple meltdowns.  APW highly recommends them!)

I hope everyone had a great Valentine's Day!  Just remember, its the other 364 days of the year that count much more.

1 comment:

  1. OMG, you have me laughing so hard tears are coming down! My husband does the same shouting when he feels he's been wronged or shorted on service. Maybe it too is a "pilot thing". Anyway, glad to hear he came through for you!