Saturday, July 28, 2012


As we have already established, communicating with a PilotHusband can be difficult.  They speak in quotes from "guy movies" like some secret code requiring an Enigma machine to decipher.  They are genetically engineered to ignore the sound of a woman's voice, unless broadcast over a radio by the control tower.  They, like the family dog, have selective hearing.  Our dog doesn't hear me bellow her name when she's in hot pursuit of a rabbit, but she can hear a potato chip hit the floor on the other side of the house.  PilotHusbands cannot hear the garage door go up, you slamming the door, or you struggling to carry bags of groceries.  But they can hear the sound of a can of beer being opened from 1000 meters away.

Recently, I discovered yet another barrier to effectively communicating with a PilotHusband.  Even if he manages to hear words come out of my mouth, by the time those words travel from his auditory canal, into his skull, and ricochet around that squirrley brain of his, what I actually said is COMPLETELY different from what my PilotHusband heard

Here's a list of statements I have made... and what PilotHusband heard instead.

WHAT I SAID:         Don't forget, I wrote a check to Mr. Gunderson for fixing the truck.
WHAT HE HEARD:  I checked, and there's plenty of money left over this month for that new gun
                               you wanted to buy, Sweetheart.

WHAT I SAID:         Get off me.  You smell like beer and you're all sweaty.
WHAT HE HEARD:  I'd really like you to get me off.  Let's get hot and sweaty, Sweetheart.

WHAT I SAID:          I think you're pushing the structural limitations of your uniform pants.
WHAT HE HEARD:  You look so sexy in uniform, Sweetheart.

WHAT I SAID:         Get off your ass and get your own damn beer.
WHAT HE HEARD:  Damn, you're hot.  I'd love to fetch you a cold beer.  You have a nice ass,

WHAT I SAID:          It'll be a cold day in Hell before I let your crazy Mother in this house again.
WHAT HE HEARD:  I'm crazy about your Mother.  Let's have her come to the house for lunch.  I'll
                              make a cold cut platter, Sweetheart.

WHAT I SAID:          Isn't it time for your ass to leave on a trip?
WHAT HE HEARD:  Would you like a piece of ass?  I hope you don't have to leave soon.  I miss
                              you when you are on a trip, Sweetheart.

WHAT I SAID:         You need to mow the lawn.
WHAT HE HEARD:  ..........

Alas, its kind of a lost cause.  Stay tuned for stuff PilotHusband says, and what he actually means, instead.

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