HE AINT AS GOOD AS HE ONCE WAS

Seniority is a beautiful thing, relative to your position within the Pilot group.  However seniority sucks, when looking at yourself in the mirror.  Here's how to tell if your PilotHusband is getting old.

You know your PilotHusband is getting old when...

Instead of condoms and after shave in his toiletry case, he now carries Lipitor, Antacids, and a Fiber supplement.


He thinks "The Situation" is when you have to fly with a Flight Attendant you used to date.

He can't name a single person in People Magazine.

The only cast member of Dancing With the Stars he can recognize is Gladys Knight... only after incorrectly guessing that she is Tina Turner.

He thinks Lady GaGa is a brand of baby clothes.

He thinks he looks cool while blasting Van Halen's Diver Down album (they're called cds now) in his car.

He is obsessed with plucking ear and nose hair, spending more time in front of the mirror than a teen aged girl.

His boobs are bigger than yours.

His waist measurement has exceeded his inseam.

He gets regular mailings from AARP (American Association of Retired Persons).

He still rocks a Member's Only jacket.

He lectures to anyone who will listen, that rap and techno music represent the end of civilization.

He thinks texting is a sign of the Apocalypse and thinks TTYL, OMG, and LMAO are company codes on the NY Stock Exchange.

He has to constantly be reassured (lied to) that the hair coming in on his head is "platinum blond", not grey.

He has love handles, like handles, I can barely tolerate you handles, and I hate you handles.

He throws his back out when lifting his suitcase instead of when engaging in.... um... vigorous activity.

He thinks The Jersey Shore is what you follow when approaching JFK Airport from the south.

The last film he saw in a theater was Memphis Belle.

The only noises he makes in bed come out of his a$$.

Old age is not for the faint of heart.  Be kind.  Be supportive.  To paraphrase Toby Keith, he aint as good as he once was, but he's good once as he ever was. 

PS Happy Birthday to my PilotHusband.  You're not getting older... you're getting better.  Well, maybe not "better" per se... but you are getting more interesting!

HOW TO WATCH TELEVISION LIKE A PILOT

You may think that all you have to do to watch TV like a Pilot, is to lay on the couch, drink beer, and watch the Military Channel.  But there is much more to it, my friends.  Please refer to the following steps to ensure that when you sit down in front of the television, you are doing it like a real Pilot.

Step One..... Hog the remote.  I know most of you already do that.  But I mean REALLY hog the remote.  If you go into the kitchen to get a beer, take it with you.  Going to the bathroom?  Take it with you.  Walking the dog?  Take it with you.  Never set it down.  He who holds the remote control, rules the world.

Step Two..... As you are watching a suspenseful, action-packed, live, unrecorded show with your Wife, pause the TV... and disappear.  Say nothing.  Make her think you will be right back.  Let her sit in front of the paused television screen until she hears the shower begin to run upstairs.  Come back down twenty minutes later with wet hair.  Act surprised when she seems upset.

Step Three... Ask your Wife to record a movie.  When she gets ready to start the movie, tell her you have no interest in it and leave her to watch it alone.  Come back 30 minutes later.  Tell your Wife you really wanted to see the movie after all.  Make her start it from the beginning.  Watch five minutes of it and announce that you really didn't want to watch it after all.  Act surprised when your Wife gets mad.

Step Four.... Be oblivious to the fact that your Wife is recording her favorite shows so that she doesn't miss an episode.  Wait until the taping of her show is 30% done, and stop the recording to tape something from the Military Channel.  Act surprised when she goes to watch the show, later that week and more than half of it is missing.

Step Five.... Spend five hours watching a one hour program.  No my friends, this is not due to a tear in the fabric of Space-Time.  When a real Pilot watches the hour long documentary on the Discovery Channel about the Boeing 787 Dreamliner, he must pause it... rewind it... gaze at it lovingly... rewind it again... pause it some more to lecture others about it... rewind it again.  Pause it to go get another beer, pause it to go to the bathroom, pause it to memorize the control panel, then rewind it to the start to be certain he hasn't missed anything.

Step Six..... Fill up your TiVo or DVR recorder with recordings of movies that you already own on DVD.  That way, you won't have to get off the sofa to put the DVD of A Bridge Too Far into the DVD Player.  Brilliant!

Step Seven.. Whatever you are watching, if there is an airplane, hit PAUSE.  Examine it, comment on it, muse about it, tell no less than 3 stories about that particular type of aircraft... whether it has anything to do with the plot of the film or not.  Make it impossible for your Wife to enjoy that new Pan Am show on ABC.

So there you have it.  By the way, if you can't find the remote control, try checking the refrigerator... next to the beer.

THE LEPRECHAUN TRAP

St. Patrick's Day used to mean drinking green beer in ridiculous quantities, dancing a jig, and spending the next 2 days recovering from the hangover.  Oh how times have changed!  Our son is five years old and has spent the past week learning all about Leprechauns in his Kindergarten class.  He came home very excited at the beginning of the week and announced that he had a special project to do.  All of the children in his class were asked to construct a Leprechaun Trap, in hopes of catching the wee imp and getting his gold.  Our child informed us that Leprechauns love to eat potatoes, they are attracted to rainbows, they love the color green, and they can be mischievous.  From that deep and expansive data base, we were to assist our son in the construction of a device that would, perhaps, catch one of the little buggers.

I did what any good AngryPilotWife would do.... I put Daddy in charge of that particular assignment.  PilotHusband and the child began to brainstorm and sketch out plans for a trap.  Delighted that they were working well together, spending quality time, and bonding over the experience, I left the house to run a few errands.

When I returned, they had, in fact, constructed a trap.  PilotHusband had our child decorate a shoebox with shamrocks and (begrudgingly, rainbows) that was placed upside down, and propped up with a stick that had a string tied to it.  I immediately recognized the design from a Wiley Coyote and Road Runner cartoon, but I kept my mouth shut.  That is, until I saw, that under the box, PilotHusband had placed a shot glass of whiskey as bait.  REALLY?  FOR A KINDERGARTEN CLASS?  PilotHusband assured me it was cask-aged 15 year old Jamison's Irish Whiskey... so it would be perfect.

Back to the drawing board!  After a trip to Party City for decorations and a stop at Michael's Craft Store for supplies, we finally came up with a very nice trap for our son to bring to school.  It had a trap door camouflaged by a picture of a rainbow and used very small potatoes for bait.  When he climbed off the school bus Friday afternoon, he had brought his trap home with him.  While disappointed that he didn't catch a Leprechaun at school, he was certain his creation was good enough to catch one at home... after all St. Patrick's Day wasn't until Saturday... and everybody knows that's the best time for Leprechaun hunting.

Of course PilotHusband was on a trip, so the burden of producing an actual Leprechaun in the trap, for our 5 year old, fell on my shoulders.  I waited until my son was sound asleep and pinched wee bite marks out of the potatoes with my fingernails.  Then I filled the trap with gold-wrapped chocolate coins and tore a small hole in the side of the box.  I left a note from our Leprechaun friend that explained he was, in fact, caught by the trap, but managed to bust loose.  However, fair is fair, so he left some "Gold" for our son.  Then, given a Leprechaun's love of mischief, I up-ended some of the furniture and covered the ground floor in toilet paper. 

I'd hate for PilotHusband to miss all the fun... so when he comes home tomorrow, there will still be toilet paper hanging from the ceiling fan, knocked over furniture, and an EMPTY bottle of Jamison's Irish Whiskey on the coffee table.  Darn those pesky Leprechauns!

Happy Saint Paddy's Day, everybody!

MISSING SOMETHING? CHECK HIS SUITCASE!

While sitting on the sofa next to PilotHusband, the other day, (yes, watching the Military Channel), I detected a peculiar fragrance.  Something slightly floral and cloyingly sweet.  I couldn't figure out where it was coming from.  Then PilotHusband got up to get another beer and I realized the fragrance was gone.  When he returned, so did the aroma.  Then it hit me.  PilotHusband was wearing my Secret for Women Cherry Blossom deodorant!  It had been missing from my toiletry basket for days.  Evidently, he had run out of his and it was easier to walk around smelling "girly springtime fresh" than to actually go to a store and buy more deodorant.

The same applies to tweezers.  I went to pluck my eyebrows last week and could not find any of the 4 tweezers I know I bought in the past few months.  I was forced to go out in the world with a unibrow, looking like a member of the East German Women's Weightlifting Team.  Sure enough, when PilotHusband returned from his trip, I found all 4 tweezers... in his suitcase.  And yet, he still has a problem with ear hair.

Nothing is sacred.  Your hairbrush, comb, toothpaste, toothbrush, cash from your wallet (especially if he's running too late to hit the ATM on his way to work)... everything is fair game when you live with PilotHusband.  You know all those single socks that disappear in your dryer?  I'll bet if you come over, you'll find them in my PilotHusband's suitcase!  Heck, if it wasn't for fundamental differences in anatomy, I bet he'd swipe my tampons!

I'm not the only one who feels this way.  Last week I caught our five year old son, rummaging through Daddy's suitcase.  When I asked him what he was doing, he replied, "I can't find my Megatron Transformer guy anywhere!  It's GOT to be in here, Mom".  Yes, even little man has figured out that if something goes missing, it's probably in PilotHusband's suitcase.  If PilotHusband ever gets a bigger bag, we've got a good shot at finding Bigfoot, Jimmy Hoffa and Amelia Earhart in there!

STEAK AND BJ DAY (IT IS SO A REAL HOLIDAY!)

(* Thank you kind reader, for sharing this with me.)

Circle the day on your calenders!  Steak and BJ Day is March 14th!  Founded by radio personality, Tom Birdsey in 2002, Steak and BJ Day is like Valentine's Day for men... only without the flowers and chocolates.

Ladies, please don't think the AngryPilotWife has gone soft.  Hear me out!  Let's face it; Valentine's Day is really all about us.  Flowers, chocolates, sentimental cards, (if you're lucky) jewelry... we may say that Valentine's Day is a celebration of a couple's mutual love, but we all know that's not true.  It's about getting our men to be demonstrative and romantic at least one lousy day out of the year.  Seriously?  Do you think our men are whining to each other about how they hope they are getting flowers or Godiva chocolate over a pitcher of beer at Hooters?  No!  What they really want is steak and a BJ.

This can be a win-win situation for everyone.  When Valentine's Day rolls around next year, our men will go out of their way to make the day spectacular for us, because they know they will get their holiday one month later (and as in other, um, "situations", it's always better to get yours first... if you know what I mean).  It may take a few years of conditioning, but eventually they will figure out that the bigger the bouquet of roses on February 14th, the bigger the steak will be on March 14th.  I for one, think it is genius!

PilotHusbands... I'm trying to help a brother out, so don't push it.  Steak and BJ Day is March 14th.  Don't even THINK about petitioning Congress to make it the third Monday in March so it becomes a three day weekend sort of holiday!  (Come on, you know you were thinking it).  So help me spread the word.  Share this post with your buddies, send a link to your Wife's e-mail, send a link to your girlfriend's e-mail, heck... send a link to both your wife AND your girlfriend's e-mail.  Let's make this holiday so big, the Hallmark Greeting Card Company will have to design a new line of cards! (Just got a mental image of that.... ewww.... maybe that's not such a good idea).

What kind of photo did you think I'd put up?  This is NOT an adult content site!  : )

HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A PILOT PART TWO

For those of you new to the blog, please check out How to Drive Like a Pilot, posted Feb. 11, 2012 from the archive list to the right of the screen.  This is a continuation of that theme, because to include all of PilotHusband's driving idiosyncrasies at once would have been a novella, not a blog post!

And so... instructions on how to drive like my PilotHusband continue....

Step Seven... Lock your keys in your car.  Be sure that when you do, you don't realize it until you are standing next to your car in the employee parking lot at 11:00 p.m.  Call your Wife to bring you your spare key.  Do this monthly, always after taking the last flight of the night home.

Step Eight... After the third or fourth time, your Wife will put a spare key in a little magnetized box hidden under your bumper.  Lock your keys in the car again.  Call your Wife, claiming you can't find the little box with the spare key.  Insist it must have fallen off at some point.  Make her bring you another spare key.  Look surprised when she reaches under your bumper and pulls out the box with the spare key in it.

Step Nine.... When monsoon-like rain is predicted, back your car out of the garage for "a free car wash".  Park in a manner that does not give access to the unused garage for your Wife's vehicle.  Act surprised when she comes home from driving your son to school, looking like a drowned rat.  The next day, take your car to Auto Bell and have it professionally detailed.

Step Ten..... Whenever your Wife buys a can of Fix-a-Flat, or any such tire repair/inflation device, take it and keep it in your car.  When you get a flat tire, call the auto club to come change it for you.

Step Eleven.. If when leaving for work early in the morning, you discover your car has a flat tire, switch vehicles with your Wife.  Do not tell her you have done so.  Instead, let her discover it on her own.  Act surprised when she gets upset.

Step Twelve.. When your Wife discovers her vehicle has a flat tire, do not call the auto club.  Do not change it for her.  Your Wife is a strong independent woman who can handle any challenge.  Instead watch her change her own tire from your office window as you read Airline Pilot Central.  When she is done, pat her on the butt and say "Good job, Honey".  Then run.

Step Thirteen.. When leaving on a four day trip, keep as many important things as possible in your car.  Just because you drove your son to soccer practice this week, doesn't mean you are responsible for removing his gear from the car.  In fact, leave for the airport with both checkbooks, your son's cleats, Wife's cell phone, Wife's wallet, and your son's backpack.  It will make your family all the more happy to see you when you get home.

There!  I think we've covered everything.  If a need arises for Part Three, you'll be the first to know!
Happy Motoring!

FOR SALE

FOR SALE: Gently used Air Line Pilot.  1966 Legacy Carrier model.  Low mileage (it never leaves the couch), needs some body work (enough said).  Full luxury package including feelings of entitlement, charisma, zero frustration tolerance, gravitas, after market love handles, generally pissy attitude, and four type ratings.  Color scheme: white exterior with grey roof (no, honey... that's NOT platinum blond coming in).  Original owner with all maintenance records.  Fluids replaced regularly (thanks to Leffe and the Jim Beam Distillery).  Some factory defects including grandiose self-worth, dysfunctional relationship with parents, and a tendency to overheat.  Boat, aircraft, SUV, and 401K plan not included.  A great project for the right buyer!  Will consider straight sale or trade for newer model.  All offers considered.

FAVORITE THINGS... THE MUSICAL

I have a Best Friend that forces me to come over and watch The Sound Of Music with her every time it is on tv, while drinking copious amounts of wine.  (And yes, we always cry when the evil Baroness tricks Maria into leaving).  She inspired me to re-write "These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things" into a Pilot version.  My apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein. 

(sung to the tune of "My Favorite Things" from The Sound Of Music)

Boeing made aircraft that all have wide bodies,
New Flight Attendants that are young and hotties,
Piping hot coffee the Steward does bring,
These are a few Pilots' favorite things.

When the phone rings, with a bad trip,
When the wife is mad,
They simply remember their favorite things,
then Pilots don't feel so bad.

Jim Beam that's poured over ice cubes in my glass,
Laying in comfort while my Wife mows our grass,
Much younger girlfriends all covered with bling,
These are a few Pilots' favorite things.

When the boat breaks, when the beer's gone,
Hating my crash pad,
They simply remember their favorite things,
then Pilots don't feel so bad.

Big boats and watches and really fast sports cars,
Sweet long layovers close to high end strip bars,
Laying on beaches in Nice in the Spring,
These are a few Pilots' favorite things.

When commuting, when they're sleepy,
When enough they've had,
They simply remember their favorite things,
then Pilot's don't feel so bad.

(Come to think of it, my apologies to Julie Andrews as well).

A PILOT'S FAVORITE THINGS

Just like Julie Andrews in The Sound Of Music, PilotHusband has his favorite things.  But you can bet your ass it doesn't include whiskers on kittens or bright copper kettles.  Here's a partial list, in no particular hierarchical order.

1.   Airplanes.

2.   Flying airplanes.

3.   Talking about flying airplanes.

4.   Talking to other people who fly airplanes.

5.   Bitching about flying airplanes.

6.   Forums that bitch about flying airplanes (Sorry APC, love ya' anyway).

7.   Bitching with other people who fly airplanes.

8.   Steak.

9.   Beer.

10.  Jim, Jack, Johnnie, and Jose (NO, these are not fellow pilots).

11.  Internet Porn.

12.  Learning how to delete your login history so your Wife doesn't bitch about Internet porn.

13.  Boobs.

14.  Big boobs.

15.  Big boats.

16.  Big watches.

17.  Big airplanes.

18.  Big paychecks.

19.  Laying on the couch.

20.  Waaaaaaait for it..... watching the Military Channel!

REASONS TO BE HAPPY PILOTHUSBAND GOT A TRIP

Blissfully, I awoke this morning to find PilotHusband had departed for a three day trip.  While I suppose I should miss him when he is gone... I found myself doing a "happy dance".  It is not out of a lack of love, or affection, or appreciation that I celebrate his absence.  It's just that he does things when he's home too long that require him to leave again before he causes a Brain Aneurysm and my head explodes.

Without further ado, here are the reasons I'm glad PilotHusband is on a trip....

1.   He's watched so many hours of the Military Channel this week, there is a permanent "M" logo burned into the bottom right corner of our tv screen, no matter what channel you are watching.

2.   After proclaiming he is on the Adkin's Diet, PilotHusband has eaten all of the ice cream, macaroni and cheese, and potato chips in the house... causing our five-year-old to say "Sierra Hotel India Tango!  Daddy ate everything AGAIN!".

3.   After much complaining on my part about countless hours of Military Channel viewing, PilotHusband discovered the 12 hour marathon of JAG reruns on another network!

4.  Our computer can now be used for something other than reading Airline Pilot Central forums.

5.   I can listen to something other than Rush Limbaugh on the car radio.

6.  For the next three days, I can take a long hot shower without being startled by PilotHusband asking me where he can find; his cell phone charger, his cell phone, his favorite socks, his favorite sweatshirt, the tv remote, the cordless phone, the printout of his schedule, or the five-year-old.  (I swear it's like living with Norman Bates).

7.  Finally, two words... farting and snoring.

So my fellow AngryPilotWives, enjoy these small breaks between the chaos.  And for all you PilotHusbands out there; have a safe trip.  We'll be home celebra... er, I mean, missing you terribly.

 

A PILOT'S GUIDE TO BOATING

If you are an Air Line Pilot who lives anywhere near a body of water, you MUST have a boat.  If you are still married to your First Wife, it must be at least a 23 foot cuddy cabin.  If you are on your Second Wife, a bow rider or pontoon boat will do.  If you are on your Third Wife, well... you're lucky if you can afford a JetSki, my friend.

When selecting a boat, pay no attention to reliability, performance, or amenities.  Instead, stand at the helm of each boat you are considering.  Decide which one makes you look the coolest.  That's the one for you!

All boats must have a name.  Be sure to give your boat something clever, like Crew Room, Short Call, Three Day, or Jet Lag.  That way when your parents want to come visit you can say, "I'm sorry, I have Jet Lag" or "Gee, I wish I could but I'm on Short Call".  You will not only be pleased at how clever you are, but it's one less lie you have to keep straight.  By the way, Cargo Pilots... for the love of God, DO NOT name your boat "FR8 DAWG" !!!!  It's been done to death.  And PLEASE, PLEASE do not name your boat "Package".  Trust me, girls really don't think it's hot when you say "How would you like to go for a ride on my package?".

Remember, the most important piece of equipment for your boat is not a fire extinguisher, signal flare, USCG approved floatation device, or a First Aid kit.  NO!  It is a cooler!  Make sure you purchase a cooler large enough to fit an entire day's worth of beer.  It is a major tragedy to be half way across the lake and realize you're down to your last 8 cans of beer.  AngryPilotWife recommends one with wheels, otherwise your PilotHusband will expect you to help him carry it.

When taking the boat out, if your lovely wife is unavailable, be sure to choose your crew wisely.  Sure, you could round up your PilotBuddies... but that's a bigger collection of pot-bellies than you'd find on a Vietnamese Pig farm.  Remember, seamanship doesn't matter, but looking cool does.  Call those 25-year-old Flight Attendants, some Hooter Girls, and that cute Barmaid from the local pub.  You will look cool, and besides, everyone knows docking is very hard.  You couldn't possibly take the boat out alone.

Whenever you fight with your Wife, take the boat out alone.

Finally, develop a deep and all encompassing (if somewhat unnatural) love for your boat.  If there's a storm, check on her more than you checked on your Wife when she had the flu.  Spend hours sitting on your boat, even when it's parked at the dock.  When you come into the harbor, after a long day on the water... don't get off the boat.  Continue to sit there until either darkness falls, or you run out of beer.

Anchors Aweigh!