Tuesday, March 20, 2012


You may think that all you have to do to watch TV like a Pilot, is to lay on the couch, drink beer, and watch the Military Channel.  But there is much more to it, my friends.  Please refer to the following steps to ensure that when you sit down in front of the television, you are doing it like a real Pilot.

Step One..... Hog the remote.  I know most of you already do that.  But I mean REALLY hog the remote.  If you go into the kitchen to get a beer, take it with you.  Going to the bathroom?  Take it with you.  Walking the dog?  Take it with you.  Never set it down.  He who holds the remote control, rules the world.

Step Two..... As you are watching a suspenseful, action-packed, live, unrecorded show with your Wife, pause the TV... and disappear.  Say nothing.  Make her think you will be right back.  Let her sit in front of the paused television screen until she hears the shower begin to run upstairs.  Come back down twenty minutes later with wet hair.  Act surprised when she seems upset.

Step Three... Ask your Wife to record a movie.  When she gets ready to start the movie, tell her you have no interest in it and leave her to watch it alone.  Come back 30 minutes later.  Tell your Wife you really wanted to see the movie after all.  Make her start it from the beginning.  Watch five minutes of it and announce that you really didn't want to watch it after all.  Act surprised when your Wife gets mad.

Step Four.... Be oblivious to the fact that your Wife is recording her favorite shows so that she doesn't miss an episode.  Wait until the taping of her show is 30% done, and stop the recording to tape something from the Military Channel.  Act surprised when she goes to watch the show, later that week and more than half of it is missing.

Step Five.... Spend five hours watching a one hour program.  No my friends, this is not due to a tear in the fabric of Space-Time.  When a real Pilot watches the hour long documentary on the Discovery Channel about the Boeing 787 Dreamliner, he must pause it... rewind it... gaze at it lovingly... rewind it again... pause it some more to lecture others about it... rewind it again.  Pause it to go get another beer, pause it to go to the bathroom, pause it to memorize the control panel, then rewind it to the start to be certain he hasn't missed anything.

Step Six..... Fill up your TiVo or DVR recorder with recordings of movies that you already own on DVD.  That way, you won't have to get off the sofa to put the DVD of A Bridge Too Far into the DVD Player.  Brilliant!

Step Seven.. Whatever you are watching, if there is an airplane, hit PAUSE.  Examine it, comment on it, muse about it, tell no less than 3 stories about that particular type of aircraft... whether it has anything to do with the plot of the film or not.  Make it impossible for your Wife to enjoy that new Pan Am show on ABC.

So there you have it.  By the way, if you can't find the remote control, try checking the refrigerator... next to the beer.


  1. Ooh don't forget about the need to complain about every airplane scene in every movie. Remember the wife wants to know everything they did wrong, especially the not being able to get in an airplane from the landing gear.. =)
    Great blog!

  2. Too funny! I completely agree with Anonymous' March 22nd post, as well!
    With my pilot, Step Seven also includes looking up the tail number online via airliners.net or FlightAware just to make sure he can give me ALL the details on that particular plane. ;)