Thursday, March 1, 2012


If you are an Air Line Pilot who lives anywhere near a body of water, you MUST have a boat.  If you are still married to your First Wife, it must be at least a 23 foot cuddy cabin.  If you are on your Second Wife, a bow rider or pontoon boat will do.  If you are on your Third Wife, well... you're lucky if you can afford a JetSki, my friend.

When selecting a boat, pay no attention to reliability, performance, or amenities.  Instead, stand at the helm of each boat you are considering.  Decide which one makes you look the coolest.  That's the one for you!

All boats must have a name.  Be sure to give your boat something clever, like Crew Room, Short Call, Three Day, or Jet Lag.  That way when your parents want to come visit you can say, "I'm sorry, I have Jet Lag" or "Gee, I wish I could but I'm on Short Call".  You will not only be pleased at how clever you are, but it's one less lie you have to keep straight.  By the way, Cargo Pilots... for the love of God, DO NOT name your boat "FR8 DAWG" !!!!  It's been done to death.  And PLEASE, PLEASE do not name your boat "Package".  Trust me, girls really don't think it's hot when you say "How would you like to go for a ride on my package?".

Remember, the most important piece of equipment for your boat is not a fire extinguisher, signal flare, USCG approved floatation device, or a First Aid kit.  NO!  It is a cooler!  Make sure you purchase a cooler large enough to fit an entire day's worth of beer.  It is a major tragedy to be half way across the lake and realize you're down to your last 8 cans of beer.  AngryPilotWife recommends one with wheels, otherwise your PilotHusband will expect you to help him carry it.

When taking the boat out, if your lovely wife is unavailable, be sure to choose your crew wisely.  Sure, you could round up your PilotBuddies... but that's a bigger collection of pot-bellies than you'd find on a Vietnamese Pig farm.  Remember, seamanship doesn't matter, but looking cool does.  Call those 25-year-old Flight Attendants, some Hooter Girls, and that cute Barmaid from the local pub.  You will look cool, and besides, everyone knows docking is very hard.  You couldn't possibly take the boat out alone.

Whenever you fight with your Wife, take the boat out alone.

Finally, develop a deep and all encompassing (if somewhat unnatural) love for your boat.  If there's a storm, check on her more than you checked on your Wife when she had the flu.  Spend hours sitting on your boat, even when it's parked at the dock.  When you come into the harbor, after a long day on the water... don't get off the boat.  Continue to sit there until either darkness falls, or you run out of beer.

Anchors Aweigh!

1 comment:

  1. I am convinced that I have married your husband's long lost something or another. Our boat is coming out of storage this weekend. Hubs plans to clean it, wax it, wash it, make out with it, and then re-store it until Spring arrives and he can actually get out on the water. But if he cant get it out on the water, he might as well put it in the driveway and clean it so everyone can see what an awesome boat he has...
    On a side note, I have nominated you for a bloggy award! Keep your eyes peeled for my post!