HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT LIKE A PILOT

First and foremost, let me say, Pilots never get fat.  They never get soft.  They never get out of shape.  When their uniforms get too tight it is the fault of the tailor that did the alterations (even though that was 5 years ago).  If they begin to wheeze and get out of breath when walking from Concourse A to Concourse E, it is the air quality in the terminal.  These men are Gods.  They are Rock Stars.  They do NOT get fat and out of shape. 

Having said that, from time to time PilotHusband will announce that he is on a diet (although I can't imagine why).  I have had to endure the Low Fat Diet, the Zone Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Raw Food Diet (although that one didn't last very long), and the Low Glycemic Index Diet.  It all depends on which issue of Maxim and Men's Health was left behind in the crew room that week.

Two weeks ago, PilotHusband announced that he was on yet another diet.  So, without further ado, here's how to lose weight like my PilotHusband.

Step One.... Announce to everyone who will listen that you are on the Adkins Diet.  Explain, in the most convoluted way, that it is all about protein to fuel muscle mass and carb restriction to burn fat (even if you have NO idea what these terms mean).

Step Two.... Make your wife cook you a three egg omelet with bacon and cheese every morning.  Regardless of how busy her day is, insist that it is necessary to maintain both your First Class Medical Status, and your income.  Demand steak nightly!

Step Three.. To avoid temptation, throw out everything in the pantry that has carbs... your five-year-old's breakfast cereal, pop tarts, and cookies.  Throw out all the pasta and rice.  After all, we (you) are committed to a new healthy lifestyle!

Step Four... Continue to drink large quantities of beer.  Everyone knows that Barley, Hops and Wheat do NOT count as carbs if they are in liquid form.  Share this logic with your friends.

Step Five... Vow to begin a new exercise regimen including walking and jogging.  Go out and purchase $250.00 sneakers.  Then leave your new athletic shoes in the box while you lay on the couch and watch the Military Channel.  Just having those shoes in the house will burn calories by osmosis.

Step Six.... Refute the notion that alcohol is converted to sugar by the body.  Insist that, now that you are drinking your Jack Daniel's straight, instead of with Coke, you are all the better for it.

Step Seven.. In keeping with your new devotion to exercise, purchase a $1500 treadmill (that doubles as a clothes rack), as well as $250.00 worth of weights, that you leave, unused, across the floor for your Wife to trip on.

Step Eight.. After everyone in the house has gone to bed, sneak downstairs and eat the last pudding pop and the remaining ice cream.  Carbs don't count when eaten in the dark!

If you've married well, your AngryPilotWife will take your uniforms to the tailor to be let out, and then compliment you on your miraculous weight loss.

GUTS VS. BALLS

Just like Gregory Peck in Twelve O'Clock High, or Tom Cruise in Top Gun, we expect pilots to be bold and brash.  We want them to be confident, larger than life, figures.  We want them to have "Guts", and perhaps, we want them to have "Balls".  The distinction is a bit fuzzy.  For decades, Wordsmiths, English Professors, and Philosophers have debated the subtle difference.  I am unsure how to address the almost imperceptible differences of the two terms, except by providing examples of each.

GUTS... You come home way too late after a night out drinking with your PilotBuddies to find your Wife standing just inside the door, menacingly, holding a broom.  You look at her and say, "Are you still cleaning the house, or were you getting ready to fly somewhere?".  That, my friends, is "Guts".

BALLS... You come home drunk, way too late, after you were supposed to be out with the boys, reeking of cheap perfume, with lipstick on your collar.  When confronted by your Wife, posed menacingly just inside the door, you slap her on the ass and say "You're next, Sweetlips!".  That, my friends, is "Balls".

ARE YOU A PILOT, OR A REAL PILOT?

 Dear Readers, either I drank too much wine, or PilotHusband drank too much Leffe, but somehow, this post got deleted off the blog achieves.  Sorry for the "rerun" but I wanted to make sure this was accessible to all.  So here it is again.  BTW, AngryPilotWife really does try to share things with you out of love and humor for PilotHusband.... but today, I am feeling neither love, nor humor, towards PilotHusband, so its probably best to repost this one  ;)

Of course, if you fly airplanes for a living, you are a pilot. But for Real Pilots, it is more than an occupation.  It is a way of life that defines their very being.  Real Pilots bleed hydraulic fluid and breathe jet wash.  Here's a little quiz to help you determine if being a pilot is just your occupation, or if you are a Real Pilot. Give yourself 1 point for each A, 2 points for each B, and 3 points for each C. Add up your score for the results at the end of the quiz.

1. When coming home after a red-eye flight, the best choice for breakfast is...
     A. low fat milk and high fiber cereal.
     B. leftovers from the frig.
     C. a six pack of my favorite beer.

2. If departing for a trip on Wednesday, I...
     A. am sure to pick up my dry cleaning and repack my bag well in advance.
     B. throw everything in my bag the night before.
     C. ask my wife, Wednesday morning, if she's done packing my damn bag yet.

3. The most important thing to bring with me on any trip is...
     A. a flashlight, airport plates, and hand sanitizer.
     B. my cell phone and a picture of my family.
     C. Hot sauce.

4. When on a trip, the appropriate number of times to call home is...
     A. after each leg, when I get to the hotel, and before bed each day.
     B. once or twice, just to check in.
     C. none, otherwise I'll get yelled at for something.

5. The best overnight hotels have...
     A. free WiFi so I can Skype with my family.
     B. free WiFi so I can check my email.
     C. free WiFi so I can download porn.

6. When arriving at the hotel for a long overnight, I always...
     A. call home and go for a long run.
     B. call home and watch SportsCenter on tv.
     C. call the Flight Attendants and hit the bar next door.

7. When it's time for my FAA medical exam...
     A. I am confident my healthy lifestyle will be reflected in the results.
     B. I try to get adequate rest and eat more healthfully in the weeks prior.
     C. I quit drinking and smoking 24 hours prior, cross my fingers, and pray.  Then I pick a fight with
     my wife, so if my blood pressure is high, I can blame her.

8. When it comes to my closest friends....
     A. I enjoy hanging out with lots of people, regardless of their occupations.
     B. most are pilots, but some have other careers.
     C. all of them are pilots.  Why would I talk to anyone else?

9. On my days off....
     A. I try to spend as much time as possible with my family, and complete tasks around the house.
     B. I try to sleep in as much as possible and spend time with my family.
     C. I lay on the couch and watch the Military Channel.

If you scored:
9-12 points... You are the most irritating person aloft.  Your need for perfection makes flying with you an exceedingly uncomfortable experience.  Please seek a career in Management, or with the FAA.

13-23 points... You are quite normal, but where's the fun in that?  Embrace your inner "Master Of The Universe" a little more. 

24-27 points... Congratualations!!!  You are a REAL PILOT!  A God of the skies! Everyone loves flying with you!  You carry yourself with an air of confidence and a definite swagger!

HOW TO BE SICK LIKE A PILOT

*Disclaimer:  AngryPilotWife has been down for the count for three days with the Flu.  During which time, I have driven my son to school, met him at the bus-stop, picked up PilotHusband's dry cleaning, did the laundry, cleaned the house and cooked dinners that I was incapable of eating myself.  If today's post is a tad more bitter than usual, please excuse me... or I will breath my germs all over you. And now, onto the PilotHusband rant.

Step One... Remember, Karma is a bitch.  We all know sick calls are NOT to be used when you are actually sick.  Rather, sick calls are for getting you out of really ugly trips you don't want to do, or making sure you are home for the playoffs.  Just keep in mind, Karma will insure that if you call out sick for the Super Bowl, you will actually get sick over your next block of days off.

Step Two... If you get a head cold, lay on the couch and do NOT get up for any reason.  Make your Wife fetch you tissues, blankets, cough drops, snacks, and the remote... so you can watch the Military Channel.  It's not just a cold; it could be the Ebola Virus!  Do not take any chances.

Step Three... If you get an upset stomach, accuse your Wife of giving you food poisoning. There's no way you have gastro-intestinal problems because you stayed up late drinking Tequila with UnitedPilotBuddy, then ate a huge fatty steak and broccoli cheese rice at 1:00 in the morning (all of which was covered in Hot Sauce).  I'm certain your stomach cramps have NOTHING to do with the fact that you got up at 4:00 in the morning and drank half a gallon of milk directly out of the carton, then went back to bed.  NO!  It is a far more rational deduction, to assert that your Wife is trying to poison you.

Step Four... If you sneeze, blame it on your Wife's cat.  Claim to be allergic to pet dander.  Do NOT find it amusing when, after she sneezes, your Wife complains about being allergic to Pilots.

Step Five... Congestion is VERY serious.  When you get sinus congestion, be sure to tell your Wife over and over again, about the guy you flew with, who has a friend, who knows a guy, who worked with a guy, that knows somebody, that went to flight school with someone, who once worked with a guy that flew while congested, AND BURST AN EARDRUM!  The "sniffles" are very serious.  Make your Wife drive to the market to buy you special tissues with lotion in them.  Do NOT take this lightly! Soft and lotion-packed tissues are vital.  AngryPilotWife once flew with a girl, who had a friend, that was in training with this girl, who knew somebody, that flew with this other girl, who had to have her nose amputated after developing an infection from using rough tissues! (No, not really).

Step Six... PilotHusband should NEVER have to care for you during YOUR bout with illness.  While everyone knows your average Pilot is a mixture of  Chuck Yeager, Buzz Lightyear, Jimmy Dolittle, and Captain America, he cannot be exposed to germs of any kind.  That is his Kryptonite!  The best you can hope for, is that he leaves a can of chicken soup, a box of tissues, and some cough syrup in a bag at the end of the driveway as he retreats to the relative safety of another PilotBuddy's house.

Step Seven... When caring for a sick Pilot, be gentle.  When first he sneezes, say "God Bless You, Darling. Can I get you anything?".  The second time he sneezes, say "Bless you, Dear".  The third time, say "Geshundheit".  The fourth time, simply yell "Enough already!".  If he does it again, try
 "F*** OFF".  That usually cures it.

Wash your hands, take you vitamin C, and try to stay healthy!

COUNTRY SONGS

Given than Pilot Husband is either not here, or laying semi-catatonic on the sofa in front of the Military Channel, I have decided to amuse myself by embarking on a new career as a Country Western song writer.  Here is a list of songs I am working on....

"If I Had Shot You When I First Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now"

"I Like My Wine In A Box, Not Out Of Your Mouth"

"How Can I Miss You, When You Won't Leave?"

"They Put Ol' Yeller Down For Acting Like That"

"I Can't Get This Lump Out Of The Sofa... Oh Wait, That's You"

"I Miss My Man.... Nevermind, You're Still Here"

"Jack, Jim, Bud, and Jose Aren't Really Your Friends"

"If You Have To Come Home, Walk In Backwards, So It Feels Like You're Leaving Again"

"So You're a Bus Driver... Just At a Higher Altitude"

Stand by One, for the new album, coming soon on i tunes.

COMMUNICATING WITH A PILOT

Communication is the key to any marriage.  While especially true when married to a pilot, it is infinitely more challenging.  Over 22 years, I have developed some techniques that others may find useful.  Getting a PilotHusband to actually pay attention when you speak requires a little finesse.

Sometimes, to get your point across, you have to speak their language... specifically dialogue from their favorite "guy" movies.  If I want my PilotHusband to cheer up, I quote Donald Sutherland in Kelly's Heroes... "It's a big beautiful bridge.  It's gonna be there. Woof woof".  If I want to convey to Pilot Husband that there is no point in arguing with me about something, I quote Sgt. Spears from Band of Brothers... "Your problem, Private Blythe, is that you haven't accepted the fact that you are already dead.  As soon as you realize that, things will go much better for you". (Okay, that one is a little harsh, but effective).  If I'm trying to express the fact that PilotHusband is going overboard with something, I quote George Kennedy in Cool Hand Luke... "Ain't no man alive can eat sixty eggs".  If I want PilotHusband to handle the chaos of daily life a little better, I go with Robert Duval in Apocalypse Now... "I love the smell of Napalm in the morning...".  You can talk about your needs and feelings all day long, and get nowhere.  But pull out one good John Wayne quote, and he'll completely understand your point!  You just have to learn their language.

Another useful technique is what I like to call "The Waiting Game".  It is a little known fact that Pilots physically cannot hear you when you speak unless they ask you a question first.  The presence of a question mark means their Pilot brains have flipped on their auditory circuits, and they are now able to hear you.  This is evidenced by the time I told PilotHusband no less than 6 times over the course of a day that we were expected at a neighbor's house for dinner at 8:00.  He heard none of it.  Only when he turned to me and said "What time are we supposed to be there?" was he able to actually hear that which I had been telling him all day.  So now, I utilize "The Waiting Game".  I offer up no information, independently.  I simply wait for him to ask me what is going on, then I answer, knowing he can finally absorb the information.

Sometimes PilotHusband does not want to communicate with other people (besides me).  Since the invention of Caller ID, he can more effectively avoid talking to people like DepressedPilotBuddy who just got furloughed, or AngryPilotBuddy who is going through a bad divorce, or his own parents.  That leaves AngryPilotWife stuck on the phone, playing therapist to PilotBuddies (which I don't mind), or talking to my in-laws (which I really do mind).  The best way to get a PilotHusband to take a call is to pick it up first, hand him the phone, and tell him its Crew Scheduling.  It works every time!

While extreme, there is another method for communicating with a Pilot.  Use their years of training to your advantage.  Order a tabletop Unicom radio as well as a handheld one from the Sporty's Catalogue.  Everyone knows Pilots actually do listen to what they hear on a radio.  Turn on the hand held radio, and leave it in the room with him.  Go to the tabletop Unicom radio and start talking.  He will actually hear, understand, and retain what you say!  He will even respond!  This technique may set you back a few hundred dollars, but it's cheaper than a divorce attorney.

Finally, when all else fails and you simply MUST inform your PilotHusband about some vital piece of information, get one of his PilotBuddies to put it on Airline Pilot Central's forum.  Get somebody like "Herman" to publish a post saying your daughter's dance recital is next Saturday at 7:00.  At least he will read it.

THE SECOND BEST PILOT JOKE EVER

In the wee hours of the morning, a woman calls 911.  She tells the dispatcher, "Please send the police, QUICK!  There's a naked Air Line Pilot in my driveway, stealing my newspaper!".  Confused, the dispatcher asks, "Ma'am, if he's naked, how do you know he's an Air Line Pilot?".  The woman replied, "He's got a big watch, a small weenie, AND HE WON"T PAY FOR HIS OWN NEWSPAPER!!!!".

enough said.

HOW TO CELEBRATE VALENTINE'S DAY LIKE A PILOT

(Please note, this Valentine's themed post is a day late because I wanted to give PilotHusband one more chance to NOT screw up the holiday.  Sadly, he is now 0-22 when it comes to holiday romance. This "how to" guide may not apply to every Pilot, depending on the individual's exposure to Chick Flicks, level of Testosterone, and survival instincts.  So read my PilotHusband's rules for Valentine's Day and enjoy.)

Step One... Start bitching a week in advance.  Explain to your Wife, and anyone else who will listen, that Valentine's Day is NOT a real holiday.  Rather, it was manufactured by an unholy alliance between the floral industry, chocolate companies, and the Hallmark greeting card empire.

Step Two... Ask your Wife ahead of time, what she'd like for Valentine's Day; then do NOT get it for her.  The first year, she will ask for a big night out with dinner at a fancy restaurant and a movie, or trip to the theater.  Don't do it.  The next year, she'll ask for flowers.  Don't do it.  The following year, she'll ask for chocolates.  Don't do it.  Eventually, you will condition her to moderate her expectations.  Finally, when you ask what she wants for Valentine's Day, she'll say "just a card".  Stop at the all night grocery store on your way home and purchase the last, unwanted, impersonal card from the nearly vacant rack.  She will be happy because you FINALLY got her what she asked for!

Step Three... Plan nothing in advance.  Everyone knows that spontaneity is the key to romance.  Don't arrange to have flowers delivered in case you get a trip over February 14th.  Don't shop ahead of time, in case your flight is delayed.  Stay loose, cool, and flexible... you're a Pilot!  Flexibility is the key to safe aviation... and a happy marriage.

Step Four... If you are on a trip that keeps you away from home for the entire 24 hours of a particular holiday, IT DOES NOT EXIST.  For those of you unfamiliar with aviation, let me elaborate.  It is a little known fact that if you wear poly-blend fabric and ascend above 10,000 feet, you are instantly transported to a bizarre parallel universe where holidays of any kind, do not exist... so it's not your fault.  If you have a trip, there simply is no Valentine's Day in the Aviation Parallel Universe.

Step Five... Do not vary your routine in any way, shape, or form.  If you arrive home on Valentine's Day, walk through the door, drop your bags and grab a beer from the refrigerator.  Grunt at your wife, ignoring the fact that she is wearing her skinny jeans, push up bra, and a low cut blouse.  Be oblivious to the fabulous aroma coming from the kitchen, where she is preparing you a special dinner.  Ignore the lit candles, soft music, and the fact that the child has already been put to bed.  Instead, take a shower, change into your rattiest shorts and stained sweatshirt, then retreat to your office to catch up on all of the posts on Angry Pilot Central (ooops, I mean, Airline Pilot Central). Let's face it, your Wife loves you just the way you are.  Why mess with a good thing?

Step Six... Be sure to take another trip RIGHT AWAY.  That will give your Wife time to get over her unrealistic expectations regarding Valentine's Day, and move on to the next thing she thinks you screwed up.

Much love to everyone, INCLUDING my PilotHusband.  Remember, Valentine's Day comes once a year.  The other 364 days count much more!  ; )

HOW TO DRIVE LIKE A PILOT

Step One... Remember, you are accustomed to being able to fly over or under other aircraft.  When driving, be sure to display zero frustration tolerance for traffic.  Clench the steering wheel until your knuckles turn white, grind your teeth, say words in front of your child that will result in a visit to the Principal's Office (for your Wife) when he repeats them at school. Get angry.

Step Two... Demonstrate that you have no sense of direction whatsoever.  Unless ATC is vectoring you, drive around in circles.  Be sure to take the most random, circuitous route possible.  Expect your Wife to give you turn by turn directions, as if she were your own personal GPS.  When she does... glare at her for being too bossy.

Step Three... Instrument ratings aren't just for airplanes!  Visibility is highly over-rated.  When it rains, resist the urge to turn on the windshield wipers.  You are a Pilot!!! You do not have to see out of the window to operate a jet... why should a car be any different?  Snow, sleet, hail, mud... no need for wipers. You have an Instrument Rating!

Step Four... There is no talking in the car!  How can you possibly drive AND listen to Rush Limbaugh when other people speak?  It doesn't matter that in the cockpit, you monitor multiple radio frequencies, chat with the Captain, read the Wall Street Journal, and eat simultaneously.  Cars are different!  Distractions will not be tolerated.

Step Five... On time performance matters!  It may say Chevrolet instead of Boeing, but you run an on-time carrier!  Potty breaks... I don't think so.  Teach your son to pee in an empty Gatorade bottle.  Encourage him with stories about the Apollo Astronauts and The Right Stuff.  Hungry? We don't have time for fast food drive through windows.  We have a schedule to keep!  Train your family to pack snacks for any road trip.  We will arrive on time!

Step Six... Wing Walkers are necessary!  When you pull up to the gate at work, there is always someone to marshall you in.  You deserve, and need, the same treatment at home.  It is NOT your fault that when parking in the garage, you get so close to the wall, your Wife cannot exit through the passenger door.  It is not your fault that half of the time, you don't pull in far enough to be able to close the garage door.  It is not your fault that the other half of the time, you don't stop pulling forward until you've hit the stairs leading to the interior door.  You need a wing walker.  Can someone please find me a guy with orange flashlights?!

So, now you know how to drive like a Pilot.  Happy Motoring!

LET IT SNOW!

Here in the Piedmont of North Carolina, we enjoy fairly mild winters.  But, every once in a while we get a winter storm that produces several inches of snow... and it completely shuts down all civilization!  We simply don't have the plows, salt trucks, or snow tires and chains, to function.  Inevitably, the Charlotte airport shuts down and the Pilots get to enjoy a snow day.

A few winters ago, we got an unusual accumulation of about 10 inches of beautiful white powder.  As flights cancelled, hotels filled, and Flight Operations became overwhelmed, we opened our doors to some stranded pilot buddies and I played airport shuttle driver with my 4 wheel drive vehicle.  We stoked the fire, opened the wine, and got out the extra sheets and blankets.

AngryPilotWife, Pilot Husband, CritterPilot Buddy, USAirPilot Buddy, CommuterPilot Buddy, and a Lufthansa Pilot (we'd just met that day in the terminal and took pity on) were joined in front of the fireplace by UPSPilot Buddy (who was NOT stranded... he just liked to show up frequently).  The day was quite cozy and pleasant until CritterPilot Buddy suggested it would be lots of fun to go sledding. 

Lacking sleds, but not lacking a pretty good wine buzz, our group got resourceful.  We decided, in lieu of sleds, we would use the large inflatable tubes we towed behind our boat in the summer.  With tubes in hand, we set off to the GI-NORMOUS hill, just a few blocks from our home.  The first few runs down the hill were spectacular.  We giggled and whooped, and squealed like children.  But after several trips down the hill, the snow was compacted and pushed aside to reveal some jagged rocks to one side of the bottom third of the hill.  No worries! We just had to remember to steer ourselves to the left.

That's when it happened.  New LufthansaPilot Buddy forgot to steer.  His tube hit a rock, launching him skyward!  Fortunately, he landed on his behind. Unfortunately, he slid the remainder of the way down the hill on his butt, over jagged rocks and gravel.  The next two hours were spent by our usual group of Pilot Buddies, swapping war stories in front of the fireplace... while LufthansaPilot Buddy and I were in the bathroom.  You see it took that long for me to pick all of the bits of gravel out of the flesh of his backside with tweezers and dress the substantial wound.  When we emerged, LufthansaPilot Buddy raised his glass for a toast, saying "You know you have made a friend for life when they are kind enough to shave your ass before applying the bandage".  Words of wisdom, my friends... words of wisdom.

A TALE OF TWO NON REVS

I am amazed that Pilot Husband can get through the metal detector at security.  He is one of those people who must have taken a strange fall as a child and ended up with a horseshoe up his a$$, because everything always works out for him.  This fact manifests itself when we attempt to nonrev (fly for free, space available) together.  It always works out for him; me... not so much.

Many years ago, Pilot Husband was invited to a two day interview process with Hawaiian Airlines.  Being the loving and kind wife that I am (pause here for laughter), I offered to travel to Los Angeles with him, spend the night, see him off, and hang with friends and family for two days, after which we could travel home together.

We got to LAX easily enough, travelling on my company, even treating ourselves to First Class upgrades.  Unfortunately, People Magazine must have been really interesting that week because after the dinner service, our Flight Attendant disappeared, not to be seen again until short final.  That meant that I, in non-rev, plain clothes attire, spent the last half of the trans-con flight refilling drinks for everyone in First Class including PilotHusband, passing the snack basket around, and picking up trash.  When we arrived in LA, Pilot Husband was well rested and I was exhausted.

Two days later, after much success for him, we met at LAX to journey home together.  That's when the drama started.  Due to a mechanical cancellation, our flight home with my company fell apart.  Pilot Husband ran to the Continental gate, and was able to get the jumpseat home, and subsequently offered a vacant seat in first class.  Meanwhile, I managed to get the last Flight Attendant Jumpseat on an Airbus with my company.  Unfortunately, that meant that I had to sit knees to knees, facing the passenger directly across from me, at the bulkhead row.  And I swear to you, it was the creepiest, most vile member of the flying public, I ever encountered... and it wanted to chat.  It was going to be a long 6 hours.

Somewhere over Arizona, Pilot Husband was enjoying Shrimp Cocktail and a cute Hugh Grant movie.  Meanwhile, somewhere over Arizona, the pilots of my flight took pity on my plight and invited me to hang out in the cockpit.  Pilot Husband, on his flight, was enjoying a salad with edible flower blossoms.  AngryPilotWife, on her flight, was sleeping on the floor of the Airbus cockpit.  Things got worse.  While PilotHusband moved on to steak and lobster tail, the senior Flight Attendant on my flight was about to check on the boys in the cockpit.  Unfortunately, she forgot I was there... on the floor... and she stepped on me, leaving orthopedic shoe prints on my back.  When she returned with coffee a few minutes later, (as PilotHusband was enjoying an ice cream sundae) she again forgot I was there (hey! I said she was "senior"), and she dumped two cups of hot coffee with extra sugar on my head.

Curiously, PilotHusband's relaxing and enjoyable Continental flight arrived in CLT within minutes of my non rev flight from Hell.  We walked to the employee lot, holding hands... he, relaxed and content. Me... bruised and sticky. 

It just doesn't seem fair.

HOW TO TALK LIKE A PILOT

Step One... Remember, aviation is the most fascinating topic on the planet.  Whatever anyone is talking about, find a way to steer the conversation back to the topic of airplanes... specifically YOU flying them.  Everyone around you will be riveted by stories of your exploits.  Really.

Step Two... Always use aviation lingo. The more acronyms you can throw into a conversation, the better; especially when talking to "normal" people.  Tell them about the ASAP report you had to file after ATC deviated you from the DME, or your V1 cut, or the PIREP you had to pull up.  Oh how enthralled they will be.  Instead of naming a city, use the three letter identifier.  Talk about that time you were in YYZ or EWR or MIA.  Your audience will be spellbound!  (Clueless, but spellbound).

Step Three... use Alpha Bravo Charlie whenever possible.  This is especially useful if you have small children in the home.  Instead of spelling things out in front of the child, use terms like "Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?".  You know you've done a good job when your 5 year old comes home and says "Dad, I wanted to play with Jenny at recess, but Jacob Charlie Bravo-ed me". (give it a minute; get the joke, then resume reading).

Step Four... Airline stories never get old. Please re-tell all of the classics over and over and over and over gain. We never get tired of hearing them!  We have them memorized, but we never get tired of hearing them... again and again and again.

Step Five... when in doubt, bitch about Barrack Hussain Obama.  Everybody knows he is the source of all evil on the planet.  Discuss your feelings about Rush Limbaugh being too liberal.  Expouse any recent conspiracy theories you heard in the crew room.  Get TOTALLY sideways about Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi.  Everyone will find it mesmerizing!

Step Six... Quote classic guy movies.  Oh yes, those like minded folks will understand when you say "It's a big beautiful bridge, woof woof" (Kelly's Heroes) or "I've got nowhere else to go" (An Officer and a Gentleman).  It may seem like random code to the rest of us, but those in the know will get it!

So now that you know how to talk like an Air Line Pilot, please enjoy being the hit of every cocktail party. And pay no attention when your wife's eyes roll into the back of her head!

HOW TO DRESS LIKE A PILOT

Step One... On your days off, refuse to wear anything but old, stained, thread-bare shorts or jeans with a hole in the crotch.  Claim you have no other clothes.  This will get you out of dinner dates with your wife, cocktails at the neighbor's house, any function at your child's school, as well as church services... leaving you nowhere to go but the sofa... to watch the Military Channel.

Step Two... Remember, black socks are not just for work anymore.  They go with everything!  Wear your black dress socks with shorts and sandals.  Wear them with jeans and white sneakers.  Wear them with pajamas if your feet get cold.  If it's good enough for the airline, it's good enough for every day.

Step Three... (this only applies to pilots with more than 10,000 hours; for the rest of you, there may still be hope).  Do not, under any circumstances, wear anything that was not in fashion when you were in high school or college.  All Air Line Pilots know that fashion trends are just a way to force you to spend your hard earned money on new stuff you don't really need.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with your Member's Only jacket or your Levi's button fly jeans.  If you want to dress like Rick Springfield, I say "Good for you".... (not really).

Step Four... Clean clothes are highly over-rated.  Any good stick and rudder guy knows how to make one uniform shirt last for a four day trip.  Apply that know-how to your daily life!  If you spy your favorite shirt on the bathroom floor (where you dropped it two days ago), pick it up and give it a sniff.  If it does not trigger a gag reflex, it is perfectly acceptable to wear again.

Step Five... If you can no longer button your pants or your uniform blazer, blame it on the tailor that altered your uniform five years ago.  Obviously the problem is with the original alteration job; it's just taken a few years to manifest itself.  It has nothing to do with the amount of sedentary time you spend on the couch (YES! Watching the Military Channel), nor your beer or bacon cheeseburger consumption.  Clearly, the tailor is at fault.  Whatever you do, DO NOT buy a new uniform in a larger size.  Instead insist that you still have a 33 inch waist and make your wife move all of your buttons over and resew them.

Step Six... On the rare occasion, you can't fall back on rule number one, and find yourself forced to dress up for an event, always wear the same outfit.  There is a certain comfort of continuity seeing photos of yourself at events wearing the same trousers, sportcoat and tie.  Christmas parties, cousin's wedding, child's baptism, anniversary parties, nights at the theater.... don't be afraid to rock the same outfit over and over and over again.  Heck, if it looked good once...

Given the rules for dressing like a Pilot, please watch this blog for updates about my forthcoming fashion line for Aviators.  Of course, it will only be marketed through infomercials on the Military Channel and all of the pants will have elasticized waistbands!