Wednesday, February 15, 2012

HOW TO CELEBRATE VALENTINE'S DAY LIKE A PILOT

(Please note, this Valentine's themed post is a day late because I wanted to give PilotHusband one more chance to NOT screw up the holiday.  Sadly, he is now 0-22 when it comes to holiday romance. This "how to" guide may not apply to every Pilot, depending on the individual's exposure to Chick Flicks, level of Testosterone, and survival instincts.  So read my PilotHusband's rules for Valentine's Day and enjoy.)

Step One... Start bitching a week in advance.  Explain to your Wife, and anyone else who will listen, that Valentine's Day is NOT a real holidayRather, it was manufactured by an unholy alliance between the floral industry, chocolate companies, and the Hallmark greeting card empire.

Step Two... Ask your Wife ahead of time, what she'd like for Valentine's Day; then do NOT get it for her.  The first year, she will ask for a big night out with dinner at a fancy restaurant and a movie, or trip to the theater.  Don't do it.  The next year, she'll ask for flowers.  Don't do it.  The following year, she'll ask for chocolates.  Don't do it.  Eventually, you will condition her to moderate her expectations.  Finally, when you ask what she wants for Valentine's Day, she'll say "just a card".  Stop at the all night grocery store on your way home and purchase the last, unwanted, impersonal card from the nearly vacant rack.  She will be happy because you FINALLY got her what she asked for!

Step Three... Plan nothing in advance.  Everyone knows that spontaneity is the key to romance.  Don't arrange to have flowers delivered in case you get a trip over February 14th.  Don't shop ahead of time, in case your flight is delayed.  Stay loose, cool, and flexible... you're a Pilot!  Flexibility is the key to safe aviation... and a happy marriage.

Step Four... If you are on a trip that keeps you away from home for the entire 24 hours of a particular holiday, IT DOES NOT EXIST.  For those of you unfamiliar with aviation, let me elaborate.  It is a little known fact that if you wear poly-blend fabric and ascend above 10,000 feet, you are instantly transported to a bizarre parallel universe where holidays of any kind, do not exist... so it's not your fault.  If you have a trip, there simply is no Valentine's Day in the Aviation Parallel Universe.

Step Five... Do not vary your routine in any way, shape, or form.  If you arrive home on Valentine's Day, walk through the door, drop your bags and grab a beer from the refrigerator.  Grunt at your wife, ignoring the fact that she is wearing her skinny jeans, push up bra, and a low cut blouse.  Be oblivious to the fabulous aroma coming from the kitchen, where she is preparing you a special dinner.  Ignore the lit candles, soft music, and the fact that the child has already been put to bed.  Instead, take a shower, change into your rattiest shorts and stained sweatshirt, then retreat to your office to catch up on all of the posts on Angry Pilot Central (ooops, I mean, Airline Pilot Central). Let's face it, your Wife loves you just the way you are.  Why mess with a good thing?

Step Six... Be sure to take another trip RIGHT AWAY.  That will give your Wife time to get over her unrealistic expectations regarding Valentine's Day, and move on to the next thing she thinks you screwed up.

Much love to everyone, INCLUDING my PilotHusband.  Remember, Valentine's Day comes once a year.  The other 364 days count much more!  ; )

15 comments:

  1. Thank you! You are now my most favorite blog.

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    1. Hi Nicole! You are awesome! Thanks for following the blog. We try to keep the FUN in DysFUNction. Hope your Valentine's Day was better than mine!

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  2. My husband is a definite believer in most these steps, he could add another one: even if you have enough days off to come home on Valentines Day (and following days) stay in Florida instead and play golf with your dad! Can you tell thats what mine did this year? Great Blog!

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    1. Christy, much love to you my sister! Gotta love our men, otherwise we'd have to kill them and probably not be able to collect on the insurance! They are horribly flawed; but they are completely, utterly, devoted to us. I guess that earns them some slack. (but not much!)

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  3. OMG, did you interview my pilot husband for this article? No? Well it sure sounds like you did! Your blog is awesome and now tops my daily must do list. Thanks for making my day!!

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    1. Lola! Thanks Sister! I hope you gain some comfort in knowing you are NOT alone... and mine is probably much worse!

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    2. i urge you to check out the valentine's day wisdom at a FB page ShitMyDADSays .....have a big laugh ...maybe weave the guy wisdom into a part deux follow up

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    3. Um, Dave? "Guy Wisdom"... isn't that an oxymoron? Thanks for the inspiration my friend!

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  4. Reposted on the Pilot Wives group on Facebook - hope you can join us. This is hilarious.

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  5. Love it! It's good to know that I'm not alone in this crazy ass pilot wife world!!

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    1. Trudi, you are definately not alone. Being a pilot is more of a disease than a career choice. I hear the CDC is investigating.

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  6. WOW, what a fantastic blog post... hit the nail right on its proverbial head. This was definitely my husband -- before he was REFORMED (by ME, naturally!) This year he sent flowers EVEN WHILE IN TRAINING! Hang in there ladies... it's all about perseverance! ;) (Or, should this trend end and hubby go back to his old ways in that parallel world of insanity, I will have to have you girls over for drinks. lol)

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    1. Skyye, glad you found the blog. Should the reformation wear off (and I hope it doesn't) I'll take a white wine... something not too oaky. Please share the blog. All the $ raised from page views and ad clicks will be donated to FriendsofMel, a cancer charity honoring a Delta Flight Attendant.

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  7. I actually had to put down my hot sauce because I was laughing so hard. Sh!t. This means someone has us figured out. Angrypilotwife must be stopped.... :)

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  8. OK...I have the key to this one!
    March 14th!

    http://www.steakandbjday.com/

    Valentine's Day is a complete "chick" holiday...we ladies pay absurd attention to who gets the biggest flower arrangement delivered to work...who gets the greatest gift?

    It's a status thing for us. Who's guy is the most romantic?

    How often are we ladies pleased by what we get?

    My Pilot always does good on V-day...

    He's sent barber shop quartets to sing "Come fly with me" or some other serenade more than once...he always asks "did I win?" cause he knows we ladies compete...who's Lover is more romantic?

    Only one month later, he will see the fruits of his labor...Steak and a Blow Job day!

    Really, if there's a holiday for us, shouldn't there be one for them? My first S&BJ day with my Pilot, he drove through a blizzard to bring me Chai...yeah, he's a keeper.

    I know a little bit about Pilots...give him a goal to strive for and he'll be infinitely more motivated! Steak and a BJ day is the ultimate goad for guys!

    They have to indulge us on Feb. 14th...can we show them how they did on March 14th?

    Hope I helped...
    Spousal-Equivalent Me

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