Step One... Remember, you are accustomed to being able to fly over or under other aircraft. When driving, be sure to display zero frustration tolerance for traffic. Clench the steering wheel until your knuckles turn white, grind your teeth, say words in front of your child that will result in a visit to the Principal's Office (for your Wife) when he repeats them at school. Get angry.
Step Two... Demonstrate that you have no sense of direction whatsoever. Unless ATC is vectoring you, drive around in circles. Be sure to take the most random, circuitous route possible. Expect your Wife to give you turn by turn directions, as if she were your own personal GPS. When she does... glare at her for being too bossy.
Step Three... Instrument ratings aren't just for airplanes! Visibility is highly over-rated. When it rains, resist the urge to turn on the windshield wipers. You are a Pilot!!! You do not have to see out of the window to operate a jet... why should a car be any different? Snow, sleet, hail, mud... no need for wipers. You have an Instrument Rating!
Step Four... There is no talking in the car! How can you possibly drive AND listen to Rush Limbaugh when other people speak? It doesn't matter that in the cockpit, you monitor multiple radio frequencies, chat with the Captain, read the Wall Street Journal, and eat simultaneously. Cars are different! Distractions will not be tolerated.
Step Five... On time performance matters! It may say Chevrolet instead of Boeing, but you run an on-time carrier! Potty breaks... I don't think so. Teach your son to pee in an empty Gatorade bottle. Encourage him with stories about the Apollo Astronauts and The Right Stuff. Hungry? We don't have time for fast food drive through windows. We have a schedule to keep! Train your family to pack snacks for any road trip. We will arrive on time!
Step Six... Wing Walkers are necessary! When you pull up to the gate at work, there is always someone to marshall you in. You deserve, and need, the same treatment at home. It is NOT your fault that when parking in the garage, you get so close to the wall, your Wife cannot exit through the passenger door. It is not your fault that half of the time, you don't pull in far enough to be able to close the garage door. It is not your fault that the other half of the time, you don't stop pulling forward until you've hit the stairs leading to the interior door. You need a wing walker. Can someone please find me a guy with orange flashlights?!
So, now you know how to drive like a Pilot. Happy Motoring!
Step Two... Demonstrate that you have no sense of direction whatsoever. Unless ATC is vectoring you, drive around in circles. Be sure to take the most random, circuitous route possible. Expect your Wife to give you turn by turn directions, as if she were your own personal GPS. When she does... glare at her for being too bossy.
Step Three... Instrument ratings aren't just for airplanes! Visibility is highly over-rated. When it rains, resist the urge to turn on the windshield wipers. You are a Pilot!!! You do not have to see out of the window to operate a jet... why should a car be any different? Snow, sleet, hail, mud... no need for wipers. You have an Instrument Rating!
Step Four... There is no talking in the car! How can you possibly drive AND listen to Rush Limbaugh when other people speak? It doesn't matter that in the cockpit, you monitor multiple radio frequencies, chat with the Captain, read the Wall Street Journal, and eat simultaneously. Cars are different! Distractions will not be tolerated.
Step Five... On time performance matters! It may say Chevrolet instead of Boeing, but you run an on-time carrier! Potty breaks... I don't think so. Teach your son to pee in an empty Gatorade bottle. Encourage him with stories about the Apollo Astronauts and The Right Stuff. Hungry? We don't have time for fast food drive through windows. We have a schedule to keep! Train your family to pack snacks for any road trip. We will arrive on time!
Step Six... Wing Walkers are necessary! When you pull up to the gate at work, there is always someone to marshall you in. You deserve, and need, the same treatment at home. It is NOT your fault that when parking in the garage, you get so close to the wall, your Wife cannot exit through the passenger door. It is not your fault that half of the time, you don't pull in far enough to be able to close the garage door. It is not your fault that the other half of the time, you don't stop pulling forward until you've hit the stairs leading to the interior door. You need a wing walker. Can someone please find me a guy with orange flashlights?!
So, now you know how to drive like a Pilot. Happy Motoring!
Too funny my guy has NO sense of direction either!
ReplyDeleteCan't stop laughing! Love step one and three.
ReplyDeleteMB, you really needed a valentine's day version....better late than never..haha
ReplyDeleteYou left out "Be sure to leave important items like your son's catchers gear, Angy Pilot Wife's cell phone (you can't sacrifce important Military-Channel-watching time to can you look for yours, now, can you?), or the checkbook in your airport car in the employee lot during a four day trip.
ReplyDelete