Monday, February 27, 2012

HOW TO LOSE WEIGHT LIKE A PILOT

First and foremost, let me say, Pilots never get fat.  They never get soft.  They never get out of shape.  When their uniforms get too tight it is the fault of the tailor that did the alterations (even though that was 5 years ago).  If they begin to wheeze and get out of breath when walking from Concourse A to Concourse E, it is the air quality in the terminal.  These men are Gods.  They are Rock Stars.  They do NOT get fat and out of shape. 

Having said that, from time to time PilotHusband will announce that he is on a diet (although I can't imagine why).  I have had to endure the Low Fat Diet, the Zone Diet, the South Beach Diet, the Raw Food Diet (although that one didn't last very long), and the Low Glycemic Index Diet.  It all depends on which issue of Maxim and Men's Health was left behind in the crew room that week.

Two weeks ago, PilotHusband announced that he was on yet another diet.  So, without further ado, here's how to lose weight like my PilotHusband.

Step One.... Announce to everyone who will listen that you are on the Adkins Diet.  Explain, in the most convoluted way, that it is all about protein to fuel muscle mass and carb restriction to burn fat (even if you have NO idea what these terms mean).

Step Two.... Make your wife cook you a three egg omelet with bacon and cheese every morning.  Regardless of how busy her day is, insist that it is necessary to maintain both your First Class Medical Status, and your income.  Demand steak nightly!

Step Three.. To avoid temptation, throw out everything in the pantry that has carbs... your five-year-old's breakfast cereal, pop tarts, and cookies.  Throw out all the pasta and rice.  After all, we (you) are committed to a new healthy lifestyle!

Step Four... Continue to drink large quantities of beer.  Everyone knows that Barley, Hops and Wheat do NOT count as carbs if they are in liquid form.  Share this logic with your friends.

Step Five... Vow to begin a new exercise regimen including walking and jogging.  Go out and purchase $250.00 sneakers.  Then leave your new athletic shoes in the box while you lay on the couch and watch the Military Channel.  Just having those shoes in the house will burn calories by osmosis.

Step Six.... Refute the notion that alcohol is converted to sugar by the body.  Insist that, now that you are drinking your Jack Daniel's straight, instead of with Coke, you are all the better for it.

Step Seven.. In keeping with your new devotion to exercise, purchase a $1500 treadmill (that doubles as a clothes rack), as well as $250.00 worth of weights, that you leave, unused, across the floor for your Wife to trip on.

Step Eight.. After everyone in the house has gone to bed, sneak downstairs and eat the last pudding pop and the remaining ice cream.  Carbs don't count when eaten in the dark!

If you've married well, your AngryPilotWife will take your uniforms to the tailor to be let out, and then compliment you on your miraculous weight loss.

6 comments:

  1. Your blog is funny, and being a pilot, I keep 2 pairs of pants. One for when Im skinny and my fat pants, witch I wear most of the time. I suspect your husband is very much like the rest of us. He is a great pilot. You have to beleive in yourself to do this job. He is also trying to lose weight for mostly health reasons, maybe to look better too. But mostly health. I wish him well. He has a funny wife.

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  2. Hilarious!!! My hubs isn't a pilot, but we go through this garbage, too. Tried P90x yet? Oh man, I need to blog on that. It was more like P02X. 2 days. 2.

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  3. Lol i love your blog...my pilothusband hasnt gotten to this stage yet, but some of your blogs are a narrative of my life lol! Love it!! Thanks for speaking the truth!

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