*Disclaimer: AngryPilotWife has been down for the count for three days with the Flu. During which time, I have driven my son to school, met him at the bus-stop, picked up PilotHusband's dry cleaning, did the laundry, cleaned the house and cooked dinners that I was incapable of eating myself. If today's post is a tad more bitter than usual, please excuse me... or I will breath my germs all over you. And now, onto the PilotHusband rant.
Step One... Remember, Karma is a bitch. We all know sick calls are NOT to be used when you are actually sick. Rather, sick calls are for getting you out of really ugly trips you don't want to do, or making sure you are home for the playoffs. Just keep in mind, Karma will insure that if you call out sick for the Super Bowl, you will actually get sick over your next block of days off.
Step Two... If you get a head cold, lay on the couch and do NOT get up for any reason. Make your Wife fetch you tissues, blankets, cough drops, snacks, and the remote... so you can watch the Military Channel. It's not just a cold; it could be the Ebola Virus! Do not take any chances.
Step Three... If you get an upset stomach, accuse your Wife of giving you food poisoning. There's no way you have gastro-intestinal problems because you stayed up late drinking Tequila with UnitedPilotBuddy, then ate a huge fatty steak and broccoli cheese rice at 1:00 in the morning (all of which was covered in Hot Sauce). I'm certain your stomach cramps have NOTHING to do with the fact that you got up at 4:00 in the morning and drank half a gallon of milk directly out of the carton, then went back to bed. NO! It is a far more rational deduction, to assert that your Wife is trying to poison you.
Step Four... If you sneeze, blame it on your Wife's cat. Claim to be allergic to pet dander. Do NOT find it amusing when, after she sneezes, your Wife complains about being allergic to Pilots.
Step Five... Congestion is VERY serious. When you get sinus congestion, be sure to tell your Wife over and over again, about the guy you flew with, who has a friend, who knows a guy, who worked with a guy, that knows somebody, that went to flight school with someone, who once worked with a guy that flew while congested, AND BURST AN EARDRUM! The "sniffles" are very serious. Make your Wife drive to the market to buy you special tissues with lotion in them. Do NOT take this lightly! Soft and lotion-packed tissues are vital. AngryPilotWife once flew with a girl, who had a friend, that was in training with this girl, who knew somebody, that flew with this other girl, who had to have her nose amputated after developing an infection from using rough tissues! (No, not really).
Step Six... PilotHusband should NEVER have to care for you during YOUR bout with illness. While everyone knows your average Pilot is a mixture of Chuck Yeager, Buzz Lightyear, Jimmy Dolittle, and Captain America, he cannot be exposed to germs of any kind. That is his Kryptonite! The best you can hope for, is that he leaves a can of chicken soup, a box of tissues, and some cough syrup in a bag at the end of the driveway as he retreats to the relative safety of another PilotBuddy's house.
Step Seven... When caring for a sick Pilot, be gentle. When first he sneezes, say "God Bless You, Darling. Can I get you anything?". The second time he sneezes, say "Bless you, Dear". The third time, say "Geshundheit". The fourth time, simply yell "Enough already!". If he does it again, try
"F*** OFF". That usually cures it.
Wash your hands, take you vitamin C, and try to stay healthy!
Step One... Remember, Karma is a bitch. We all know sick calls are NOT to be used when you are actually sick. Rather, sick calls are for getting you out of really ugly trips you don't want to do, or making sure you are home for the playoffs. Just keep in mind, Karma will insure that if you call out sick for the Super Bowl, you will actually get sick over your next block of days off.
Step Two... If you get a head cold, lay on the couch and do NOT get up for any reason. Make your Wife fetch you tissues, blankets, cough drops, snacks, and the remote... so you can watch the Military Channel. It's not just a cold; it could be the Ebola Virus! Do not take any chances.
Step Three... If you get an upset stomach, accuse your Wife of giving you food poisoning. There's no way you have gastro-intestinal problems because you stayed up late drinking Tequila with UnitedPilotBuddy, then ate a huge fatty steak and broccoli cheese rice at 1:00 in the morning (all of which was covered in Hot Sauce). I'm certain your stomach cramps have NOTHING to do with the fact that you got up at 4:00 in the morning and drank half a gallon of milk directly out of the carton, then went back to bed. NO! It is a far more rational deduction, to assert that your Wife is trying to poison you.
Step Four... If you sneeze, blame it on your Wife's cat. Claim to be allergic to pet dander. Do NOT find it amusing when, after she sneezes, your Wife complains about being allergic to Pilots.
Step Five... Congestion is VERY serious. When you get sinus congestion, be sure to tell your Wife over and over again, about the guy you flew with, who has a friend, who knows a guy, who worked with a guy, that knows somebody, that went to flight school with someone, who once worked with a guy that flew while congested, AND BURST AN EARDRUM! The "sniffles" are very serious. Make your Wife drive to the market to buy you special tissues with lotion in them. Do NOT take this lightly! Soft and lotion-packed tissues are vital. AngryPilotWife once flew with a girl, who had a friend, that was in training with this girl, who knew somebody, that flew with this other girl, who had to have her nose amputated after developing an infection from using rough tissues! (No, not really).
Step Six... PilotHusband should NEVER have to care for you during YOUR bout with illness. While everyone knows your average Pilot is a mixture of Chuck Yeager, Buzz Lightyear, Jimmy Dolittle, and Captain America, he cannot be exposed to germs of any kind. That is his Kryptonite! The best you can hope for, is that he leaves a can of chicken soup, a box of tissues, and some cough syrup in a bag at the end of the driveway as he retreats to the relative safety of another PilotBuddy's house.
Step Seven... When caring for a sick Pilot, be gentle. When first he sneezes, say "God Bless You, Darling. Can I get you anything?". The second time he sneezes, say "Bless you, Dear". The third time, say "Geshundheit". The fourth time, simply yell "Enough already!". If he does it again, try
"F*** OFF". That usually cures it.
Wash your hands, take you vitamin C, and try to stay healthy!
I just found your blog. Well hubby is down in Florida getting his medical and emailed me your blog. I love it!! This post is so true. You should add "Lay in Bed and Whine you need to go to the doctor but can't call yourself!!"
ReplyDeleteChrystina, Thanks for checking out the blog. There's lots more to add to the list! I'm sure this topic will have another installment (or twelve). Keep reading and pass it on :)
ReplyDeleteLove your blog so much! And I apologize because my boyfriend had his eardrums burst in flight school.
ReplyDeleteOh my gawd, girl. I'm positively dying.
ReplyDeleteSo true...you forgot the one about taking care of the kids when they're sick. "Keep those germ carriers away from me. I can't afford to get sick!"
ReplyDeleteHmmm, wonder how this will work out when either my boyfriend or I get sick, we're both pilots. This should be interesting lol :)
ReplyDelete