Monday, January 23, 2012


First, let me clarify a few things from previous posts...

Yes, Pilot Husband did lightly spray the yard with kerosene and strike a match.  His logic was, the dry combustible leaves would burn and the damp grass underneath would survive.  Didn't quite work out that way, but you can sort of see what he was thinking (besides, there was a Wings at War marathon on the Military Channel; time was of the essence).

Yes, Pilot Husband did drain engine oil into my new wok.  You have to give him credit for creativity.  It was the perfect shallow vessel for such a task (except for the fact that I used it frequently for cooking dinner).

Yes, Pilot Husband did almost set our home on fire by putting an 80 pound log in our 20 pound fireplace.  However, when it rolled out and destroyed our carpet and the smoke stained our walls and ceiling, I did get to install new beautiful hardwood flooring and repaint.

Yes, Pilot Husband got out of ever doing laundry again by dying all of my whites a lovely shade of pink by adding bleach and a red sweatshirt to the load.  While still not my favorite color, it turns out pink does compliment my skin-tone nicely.

After 21 years (college, flight school, and 4 air lines), there is a lot of material that we can both laugh at now.  Pilot Husband proofreads every post and even reminds me of stupid things he's done to share with you.  I hope you find our stories even more amusing now that you know that this is our life.  Exaggeration for effect is at a minimum.  We chose to laugh at it all... otherwise you get those terrible lines between your eyebrows!

And now, about the deer...

When we first built and moved into our home (in the middle of nowhere), we were excited to have regular sightings of deer, racoons, possums, and ground hogs.  Being a huge lover of furry creatures, I was thrilled.  I started putting out corn each evening for the deer.  We got a small herd that came by daily and even got one to eat from my hand.  Sooo Coool!  Having befriended them, I moved on to the other creatures.  I started putting table scraps and cat food on the front porch for the stray cat and raccoons.  Soon, we were feeding young racoon kits by hand.  Again, sooo cooool!  Although, NOT the biggest animal lover, Pilot Husband was quite tolerant of my exploits... until winter came.

One evening in late December, it got quite cold.  I decided to leave one of the garage doors up, just a bit, to allow the stray cat to come in for the night.  Little did I know she would invite all of the forest creatures to the party.  Pilot Husband opened the garage door to fetch something from his car and was accosted by Cupcake, a young raccoon on the stairs... then hissed at by Tallulah, the possum, then growled at by Fern, the fox... and finally given the stink eye by Charcoal, the stray cat who was lounging on the hood of his SUV.  Needless to say, he was a bit taken aback.  After a rather long hissy fit on his part, and a decree that I was no longer allowed to put food out for anybody, I had to break up the party in the garage and shut the door.

When he left for work the next morning for a 4 day trip, I decided to teach him a lesson in tolerance for our fluffy forest friends.  I activated the emergency phone tree.  Oh yes I did.  I called 5 girlfriends and described my plan, who in turn called 5 girlfriends each, and so on, and so on.  My plan?  I intended to collect every plastic life sized deer from every yard in a five county area and put them in my house, just to let Pilot Husband know that a few small creatures in the garage were not that big a deal... it could be much much worse.  And so on the morning of day 4 of his trip, all of the women from the emergency phone tree showed up at our home, minivans loaded with plastic deer of every variety.  We put them in the family room (with one laying on the couch... watching the Military Channel), we loaded them into the dining room, we positioned them in the kitchen, we even put one in the bathroom.  The final stats on the day were 32 women, 156 plastic deer, and 12 bottles of white wine.  Then.... judiciously, I left.

Pilot Husband returned home and pulled into his fluffy creature free garage.  He gathered his suitcase and brain box and walked into the house.... to a herd of plastic deer.  I could hear the screams from down the block where I had sought sanctuary with a neighbor.  Point made.

Gotta' go now, folks.  Time to put out the deer corn, table scraps and crack the garage door open!  It's gonna' be cold tonight.

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