Sunday, January 22, 2012


Okay.  So by now we have established that Pilot Husband is an evil genius, with a Machiavellian bent, who will intentionally, screw up any and every chore, to get out of ever doing said chore again.  So far, It's working for him.  But just like vehicle maintenance, I thought that when it came to yard work, MAYBE, just MAYBE... he wouldn't screw it up.  Wow.  Was I wrong.

Admittedly, I got suckered by all those happy couples in the Home Depot ads, planting flowers and raking leaves together.  Clearly, none of the happy, helpful, husbands in those commercials were Air Line Pilots!

So... one day I invited Pilot Husband to pull himself away from the gravitational pull of the sofa, turn off the Military Channel, and venture outside into the sunlight (Oh, the horror!).  After much gentle encouragement (i.e. hours of bitching), he agreed.  I showed him the clover, buttercup, and dandelions that had invaded the flower bed in the front yard... and set him on the task of weeding.  I proceeded to the back yard to build more raised beds for our vegetable garden.  An hour later, I came around to the front of the house to check on Pilot Husband's progress.  Oh, he had pulled out plenty of plants, unfortunately, they were my Asiatic Lillies, Tulips (that HE brought home from Amsterdam), and Gerber Daisies... all of which, were laying on a wilted pile on the black, asphalt, driveway.

After my Brain Aneurysm subsided, I suggested that perhaps, he would be better suited for yard clean up.  I directed him to gather the fallen branches and leaves that has not been gathered in autumn, and put them in the 55 gallon metal drum I had been using for burning yard waste.  I thoroughly briefed Pilot Husband on gathering the yard waste, inserting it in the metal drum, applying a small amount of kerosene, and burning said yard debris.  BAD IDEA!

Unbeknownst to me, there was a "Wings at War" marathon about to start on the Military Channel, that Pilot Husband wanted to see (for the 47th time).  Therefore, he tried to expedite the process.  Instead of gathering the branches, and raking the leaves, and putting them in the drum for safe disposal, he tried a short cut.  Rather than gather all the debris up and put it in the barrel, he found my herbicide tank sprayer in the garage.  Pilot Husband figured if he was asked to gather the yard waste and apply kerosene and burn it.... wouldn't it be faster just to fill the sprayer with kerosene, apply it to the entire yard, throw out a match and call it a day?  I mean, come on! The Military Channel beckoned!). 

Now I know, some of you are reading this and thinking, "there is NO way he did that".  Alas, he did.  Pilot Husband filled the spray tank with Kerosene...sprayed the yard... lit a match... and well, three fire trucks later, the yard debris was gone... as was most of the yard.  Needless to say, Pilot Husband was excused from any and all yard work after that (by order of the Fire Marshall).

New bulbs from Breck's catalogue, $75.00.  Re-sodding the yard, $1500.  Generous donation to the local fire department, $500.  Never having to do yard work again, PRICELESS.


  1. I'm a future AngryPilot Husband, and I can relate to the dumbness of your husband, because I have done some of the things he does. Especially being an Evil Genius muahaha. Love the blog and I'm looking forward to reading more of your adventures with Angry P.H. Greetings from Puerto Rico!