Tuesday, January 10, 2012


January 10, 2012

Most Bio-anthropologists point to Man's use of tools as the hallmark of a more evolved species.  Sadly, this does not hold true for Air Line Pilots.  There is a very good reason why, when an aircraft breaks, they call Maintenance and wait at Starbucks until the plane is fixed.  Perhaps it is evolutionary... after years of being conditioned by Company and the FAA to have all mechanical issues addressed by other people, they have simply lost the ability to use tools.  Oh, they still try.  And the outcome is never good.

Chainsaws are the worst.  They are loud and pretty manly, as far as tools go... an obvious choice for a Pilot who has not yet accepted that he is horribly "tool-challenged".  A few years ago, as we were getting ready to clear our lot and begin construction of our home, my Air Line Pilot husband, and his Cargo Pilot Best Friend, decided they would save money by clearing some of the trees themselves.

They donned work boots, jeans, and flannel shirts, just like real Lumberjacks (must be a uniform thing they can't shake), and set off on our wooded lot to battle 100 foot tall pine trees.  After felling a few small trees to build their confidence, and getting their chainsaws stuck in several trees, my Pilot Husband decided to attack the 100 foot tall tree, closest to our neighbors house.  For regular readers of my blog; this is not intended as foreshadowing... because we all know how this is going to turn out.

Yep.  You guessed it.  Oh, they cut the tree down alright.... the only problem was when it landed, it did so in the bedroom of my next door neighbor's house!  Being the upstanding, conscientious, safety minded professionals, that both men are.... (waaaaaaait for it).... they ran away like little girls and went to Vinnie's Raw Bar to drink beer and stare at the short-short clad, tank-top sporting waitresses.  To my Pilot Husband's credit, he did have the presence of mind to turn off his cell phone, so that when the "fit hit the shan", he would be unavailable for comment.

Now, keep in mind, Pilot Husband has been at the whole "Pilot Husband thing" for a long time.  He knows how to duck and cover.  He's crazy like a fox and craftier than the biggest Uber-Villain from any comic book.  He knows, he just has to lay low until it all blows over.  Turn off the cell phone, take back to back trips, volunteer for that TDY assignment in Nome, Alaska... whatever it takes.  But Cargo Pilot Best Friend was not skilled in the ways of the Pilot Husband.  He was weak.  I knew if I called his cell phone enough times, he would eventually answer.  And although he put up a good front ("I have no knowledge of that incident" and "I haven't seen him all day"), ultimately, he broke.  What can Brown do for me?  Sing like a canary, Baby!  Pilot Husband was right... he laid low, and eventually the incident was all but forgotten.... because he did something even more stupid a few weeks later.

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